Xmas Eve...

So... it's Xmas Eve... it's 10:46 p.m. and we're all relaxing in our living-room. My son is wicked hyper jumping aroun asking to open xmas presents... we're watching midnight mass... I remembered a concert I went to in Oporto at the "casa da música". I went to see th king's choir. It was so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes. My father says the choir on TV is much better but as I'm listening to the king's choir on youtube... the choir on tv just pales by comparison even though the pope is present. I think they should have gone with the king's choir. My sister just asked me where the music was coming from I told it was me playing the king's choir on youtube but she still doesn't "get it". I think she'llnever understand... I think no one will never understand. And now (my mom is already in bed) we're debating religion... my dad is a very devout catholic and I am not. I believe in God but I don't believe in catholiscm. I think it's an abomination! It goes against all scriptures! Read the bible! I think people are just numb and tired from all the bullshit they go through life... so much so that they're not even in tune to what's going on in the world. They don't have a clue to what's going on... why? because the Vatican only tells you what you want to hear... what makes you feel better. That's what catholicsm is all about. As long as you "pay" for your sin, you're garanteed a place in heaven. And you know what? If that's the way it's going to be I'd rather go to hell than be in heaven with such people. I think I could neve STAND it! I can't even stand being here on earth with such people... imagine me... waling around in heave... surrounded by fucking hypocrits and popes and priests... child-molesters and adulterers... and... I don't even want to go there... you know why? because every year I go there and it never leads me anywhere... it just gets me a little (a shit load of more) pissed off at catholics. They fucking go to church, they pray and chant, and they come out and talk about what someone was wearing and every move they made and what they said when they left church and what car they were driving... all that fucking bullshit that doesn't matter... all the bullshit that doesn't affect the world... all the bullshit that would be best directed to subjects that DO matter! To people that DO matter... I just don't have the energy anymore... I wore everyone else (and myself) out. At this point... everyone has gone to bed. It's just me and my son... he's watching cartoons... I'm writing you guys. Why? I have no idea... it's Xmas eve... but I just paused a minute trying to "think" of the meaning of this day... and you know what? I haven't found one... It used to mean something years ago... now it just means you have to spend a shitload of money to keep everyone happy. Presents are the meaning of Xmas... more crudely, SPENDING MONEY is the meaning of Xmas... when did it become all about the mullah? When will it go back to spending time with family, sharing a meal, celebrating the birth of Jesus (s many of you well know wasnt on december)? Sometimes I feel like no one else in the world understands what I feel or think... and that makes me feel lonely and sad. I wish there were other people ut there that could understand what I am talking about.
I usually post an image with... I just paused a long while because... well... to tell th truth... it's xmas.

I am still here...

It's almost Xmas... I am surrounded by people, friends, family, co-workers, but I feel more alone than ever before. Is it me? Or is it them? I know I never quite fit in anywhere... I never really felt part of my famiy, of my group of friends... I've always been the loner, the outsider. It's like all my thoughts, ideas, beliefs are frowned upon and I can't understand why. Why is it wrong to feel or think the way that I do? Why is it that I am weird because I think for myself or have diferent opinions or perceive things differently? Why is that? If you're not part of the heard your just cast aside and forgotten. And so you just have to push forward and hope that someday you'll find someone who is as lonely and "weird" as you are to keep you company. But what if there isn't anyone around as fucked up and lonely as you are? Well... I guess then you're screwed. But still... even then you should just keep pushing forward and smile. Maybe the universe will take pitty and throw something nice your way. At least that's what I'm hoping... One thing all you sheep should realize: I'm here to stay! I'm not going anywhere... I AM STILL HERE!

a murder of crows

I was driving to work today and a murder of crows was flying ahead... it was like they were making way for me to pass. It felt... I have no idea how it felt. It was a bit odd... like something was taken from me and the crows were trying to warn me of troubles not far ahead. I guess I feel like the life I was supposed to be living was taken from me. It's like I'm not myself. I am a zombie... shaped and molded by society. It's funny... I've always fought to be able to express my own opinions and think for myself... to stay strong and fight for what I believe to be right... to respect others for who they are. I so wanted to be myself... but I don't know who I am. The only consistincy in my life is the fact that I don't know who I am. I feel stuck. I feel like a prisoner trapped in a dark underground dungeon who lost all hope of ever seing the sun again. Why is it that everything I ever had gets ripped from my hands? and I try so hard to hold on to whatever that when someone, be it fate or an actual person, rips it from my hand thy also tear my fingernails off and I am left bloody on the floor crying and feeling lost. Love was taken from me. I was fine because I had a job and I dove right into it. But now that too is slowly being taken away by other people who are absolute idiots that couldn't ever tell their asses from their faces. It really ticks me off that I spent time and money studying at one of the best universities of this fecking country only to be pushed around by such idiots that had to "buy" their degree. I keep telling myself "just breathe" but it's getting harder and harder to keep focus because everyone around me wants to see me fall. You might think that I'm paranoid but if you only knew what I go through everyday of my boring pathetic life you would be completely insanely paranoid... maybe even check yourselves in a mental institution. And I think about how I used to be... I used to be fun and happy... I was lively and had a spark in my eye. But now I just feel dead inside. I am always tired and sad... I am always mad at the world. Why is that? I used to be a people's person but people let me down so many times... I have no faith in people anymore. I don't trust anyone. I sometimes don't even trust myself. And so now I walk this world alone... with a fake smile on my face and sadness in my eyes.

your love is a drug

your love is a drug I can't kick
it's madness bottled up inside
I want to leave but I can't quit
it's embarrasment I can't hide
It's too much for me
to remember it all,
not to have what I see
to stumble and fall
and wallow in misery
time slips through my fingers
and I'm not yet free
my heart still lingers
hopeful and wide-eyed
waiting for forever
but I just realized
I'm just waiting for never...

We the people

A bunch of liars
sitting across your table
promising your all desires
but they're nothing but a fable

they smile and wave
but they're hungry
for the money they shave
from people like me

democracy is a whore
servicing the rich
she'll never be like before
she'll always be a bitch

politicians are like lovers
they tell you what you want to hear
but they whisper sweet nothings to others
while you think you're the only "dear"

they roam the land
in their luxuary cars
kissing babies holding hands
leaving open scars

and we the people suffer
while their purses grow
our lives get tougher
while they put on a show

so they can distract us
but I am aware of all
wake up! we need progress!
and not politicians that crawl

into office thirsty for power
raping the land, murdering hope
turning sweet to sour
throwing us people down a slippery sloap.

This is our history now
but we have power to change it
they only take what we allow
we must unite what they have split.

a gift...

there are no words to describe what's inside
there aren't enough tears for me to cry
and this burning heart beats a mile a minute
and stops with just one sigh...

when there aren't enough hands to hold you
up to the sky weightless like a balloon
searching everywhere for some place new
don't worry, you'll find your place soon

when you close your eyes and see nothing
you know your imagination is long gone
and you try with your last breath to cling
to everything you were and have done

but then you open your eyes
and the light burns
and you realize
the world always turns

and you're not who you thought
but you're not who you wanted
you're not the people you fought
and you're not haunted...

you're living someone else's life
and you always feel like a stranger
walking the edge of a sharp knife
constantly looking out for danger

but this is your real story
and this is your own life to live
there is no shining or faded glory
just this broken heart to give...

It'll beat for thee...

once ripe with love
now withered and empty
a heart that pumps blood
shouldnt break so easily
but time plays tricks
and ensnared me in it's web
with a broken heart I can't fix
and a sea of tear I shed
the sound it made
was such sweet music
why it had to fade
and make me sick
is a strange mistery
a desperate lost cause
that suddenly hit me
and brought out my flaws
This heart is now a stone
cold and hard to the touch
to each his own
to me not much
Such a heart is hard to mend
too much time has passed
too many rules to bend
too much blood to bleed
but if it ever beats again
it'll beat for thee...

Before & After - color splashing

I'm sorry

I am sorry it took me years to awake
and realize what I lost...
I am sorry I couldn't see before
I was blinded by the drugs
and all the parties
I am sorry I mistreated you
You were the only one who would
stay for the aftermath
and held my hair when I got sick
You would spend your nights awake
while I slept off my drunkeness
You stuck by me through the bad
I am sorry you had to nurse me
and I could never give you the good.
I am sorry I never said "thank you"
and I am sorry I never said "I love you"
All that I was died when you left
but I was too proud to call you up.
I was too afraid you wouldn't answer.
I was too scared you might come back
and I'd screw up all over again.
I never wanted you to carry my baggage
for it is mine alone to carry.
I never wanted to hurt you
I just wanted to hurt myself.
And so I did.
I'm sorry I never told you
how I felt.
I am sorry you'll never know.
I'm sorry I loved you
and let you go...
But when you love someone
you set them free.
And so I did.
Now you're happy.
And I'm glad I got out of the way
I'm glad I never gave you reasons to stay
But I feel sorry for myself
for I will never know love
like the love you gave me.
And now I can see...
it's far too late
but I just had to write it.
I had to let go...
so that I can continue to grow.
And maybe someday
I'll be able to say
"I love you too"...

Open your eyes

open your eyes and turn your head
you're laying on a hospital bed
like a dead body in a casket
pushing daisies through a basket.

You can't move or say a word
you were never who they think you are
and as you let slip your soul
you thank God for all the scars

because they define you
they made you special
even if you thought it wasn't true
even though you thought them evil

open your eyes and see yourself here
I'm not the girl you think I am
I'm not who i appear to be
my life has been a sham...

I feel my soul slipping away
wasted feelings in my pocket
But I'm not the one who's crazy
I'll take them with me in my casket

I open my eyes and turn my head
I see myself staring back at me
I smile remembering what you've said
But I am not crazy...

Quicksand

Heart races
mouth is dry
my mind escapes
to a sweet lie

his hand on my skin
is pure illusion
that makes my head spin
and dive into confusion

your breath on my neck
and whispered words
are but a tiny speck
of sighs being answered...

Inside me a fire burns
and purges hunger
And the longest yearns
exist no longer...

I spread my legs to the sun
and it fills me with sighs
that have yet to be broken
by the look in his eyes...

And here I lay
warm and content
with nothing to say
and with no repent.

I close my eyes
the sun on my face
hides all the lies
that I have misplaced...

I fall back to reality
with trembling hands
for the world to see me
drowning in quicksand...

Your Words...

Your words are like liquid
flowing free and irrelevant
reminiscint of what we did
of what I want to do and can't

of what I always wished for
but can never get
of a song I heard before
but hasn't been writen yet

your eyes pierce my soul
your lips haunt my dreams
your hands try to grab hold
to silence my screams

And now that I am quiet
You break through my barrier
looking for the girl who riots
but I am no longer her...

And your words bounce off me
like raindrops from the sky
because now that I am free
I wont fall back into a lie...

Wednesday Ramblings

I've been very on edge lately. Like the wrong word or look might set me off. I've been wanting certain things that I know aren't right. But you know what they say: You know it's bad for you but it feels oh, so good! My body is telling me one thing, actually it's screaming out for something I don't want to give it. I'm scared of losing control again. I've lost control of my life so losing control over myself again is not an option. Even if it means I must remain away from the world, even if it means being alone all the time and not having friends. I don't think I'm ready to put myself out there again. I don't want to lose control and I don't want to get hurt again. I don't think I'd come back from that again... Having your heart broken over and over is a lot like breaking one of your favorite knick-knacks and glueing it back together: there will always be pieces missing and you'll get to a point when you realize that it's best to throw it away and buy a new one. But the thing is you can't get a new heart. If you get to a point when you have to get a new heart then you know you're in trouble. What I'm trying to say is that I'm close to that point and I really don't want to have to live without heart. I've lost my passion fir lots of things. That spark in my eye burned out. The smile on my lips died. The joy in my voice is silent. I'm not the person I was. I am not the person I wanted to be. I'm a shadow, a fragment of a bad dream I once had years ago. I'm a fucking clichet! The eternally brooding bad girl destroyed by love (or lack of it). All I want is... to be happy. I don't want to be stressed out all the time. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough. I don't want to feel like a screw-up. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I want to have fun without feeling guilty or worrying what other people might think. I want to experience everything like I'm living it for the first time. I want to feel again. I don't want to be numb anymore. I want to get myself back! I want to be myself again...

Untitled

My soul is too big for my body
my eyes too sad for my face
my senses too numb to feel
my life too far from grace...


I want to crawl outside the world
and fall asleep with the stars
set free my crumpled soul
and make it ours...


my lips are too cold to kiss
my tongue too dry to taste
my touch too rough to miss
and my legs too old to haste


I want to fall into you
and be one of your dreams
My name echoing through
your morning silent screams...

blue

I am the ocean: sometimes wild and destructive, other times calm and soothing...

but always blue!

The girl with sad eyes

My smiling face hides it's grace
my everlasting grin is made of sin
my thoughtfoul remarks sound like barks
while my hands carry out simple plans

my feet walk to the same beat
my arms surrender to your charms
as my lips draw your hands to my hips
but my eyes hide all the cries...

you see, all of me is a lie
what you don't know
is that inside I die

to anyone who can really see
I am the girl with the sad eyes
that is who I am, that is me...

November 1st

It's the first day of november and I feel like something has to change. I feel like my life is being pulled out under me like an old rug. I have no idea what to do, who to be or where to go. I feel like a headless chicken running around crazy those last minutes of it's life. I think back to the person I used to be and I don't like what I remember but I also don't like what I now see in the mirror. When I was young I never wanted to be the person that I am now. And now I realize that I never wanted to be the person I was either. So the question is who am I really? Am I myself or am I what other people want me to be? I'm so confused... All I ever wanted out of life I never got. I wanted to make a diference in the world, never happened. Wanted to find love, never happened. Wanted peace and quite, hasn't happened either. Wanted to live somwhere far from this place, hasn't happened. I feel like if I have to sum up all of my life I can come to the conclusion that I'm a failure. I'm left wanting. Sometimes I feel like there's an emptiness inside me that nothing can appease. Sometimes I feel like there's a yearning that burns inside me and makes me dream of things not far behind, of things yet to come. But then I look up at the moon and I realize that I am still here, in this reality, where I am a failure and people laugh at me behind my back. Sometimes I just close my eyes and whish myself away. But when I open them I realize that another day is coming. Another day I have to get through and endure. I often ask myself when will I wake up? When will I open my eyes to a diferent reality? I know that our fates are what we make of them but I feel like all the fight I had in me is gone and I just want to lay down and sleep. I feel like I could sleep forever...

Loveless Pain

Tears run me through like knives
I am sure as the warm bright sun
That we lead wretched lives
Forgetting all the bad things we've done
The stars are like pinholes in the curtain of night
They remind me of the dirty pores of my skin
How can something so wrong feel so right?
And every sad tear I shed
shall overflow under the cold moon
For I am ashamed of the life I led
And now I'm surrounded by gloom
I still remember your unsettling grin
As you lay beside me on my bed
I still feel your warm breath
and I picture it all in my head
It all haunts me in my dreams
every excruciating word you said
that I try to drown with my screams...
Nothing is as it seems
but I can't hide the pain anymore
I don't think I'll ever love again
I already shut that door
It causes too much pain...
Someone is trying to get close...
All the questions he asks
the moves he makes
all he wants are the facts
of what made me break...
Love destroys the spirit
of anyone who dares give it.
I haunt the night
Away from light
Driving myself insane
with this loveless pain...

Hopeless and broken

Summer ended abruptly this year... there was no time for autumn. Winter came and with it nothing new. Except for the widening of the hole I have where my heart used to beat. I close my eyes and listen... but nothing. There is no heart beating. It froze. I do not think it will ever melt. It came as sudden as this year's winter but unlike the seasons it will not change. I fear I am bound to this frozen heart for the rest of my days. Nothing brings me much confort or joy. Not even the dream realm gives me hope anymore. I am the perfect picture of sorrow. As I am sitting here writting this I sometimes stop and look out my window. The flickering lights of houses far away used to light up some sense of wonder but this night that curiosity is dead. I don't care to imagine what other people might be doing at this hour. I don't care to imagine that "the one" might be under the same dark sky looking up trying to find stars through the curtain of clouds that winter brought feeling the cold rain on his cheeks and barely smilling while wondering... I don't care for those things at all anymore. All they breed is bitterniss, frustration, anger, loneliness, sorrow... I care not for any of those things. I care not for anything anymore! I just want to lay down, rest my tired head and my weary body, and just sleep. I know that tomorrow the same lights of houses far from here will still be flickering and people will still be going about their business and I will still be here stitting at my desk... hopeless and broken.

Gone

I ran from myself for far too long
now the memories have faded
like an old song
that has been bettered

I close my eyes and darkness seeps in
there's nothing left of the world
I once created and lived in
there is nothing left of my soul

This broken shell you call body
is but an empty vessel
for those who are angry
for those who are blissful...

I am bored of this life
I am tired of walking
the edge of a knife
constantly acting

and playing a part
that does not suit me
I gave away my heart
so I could be set free

but the emptiness took over
and the absence of emotion
is like a cronic blister
that you treat with caution...

I have lost all desire
I'm finished and done
there's no more fire
everything is gone.

misery...

There is a hole inside me the size of the world. Sometimes it seems to burn from the inside and all that's left is ash... I'm affraid that one day a strong wind will come and blow what's left of me away. I have seen such wonders that manypeople can only imagine. I have felt such sorrow that I do not wish it on anyone... even to those who hate me and wouldsee me fall. Every waking hour I fight against the tears that try to pierce my eyes. Every waking hour is a struggleto move on. I keep telling myself over and over "just breathe". I close my eyes and just hear myself breathing. I struggleto keep focus. I struggle against my anger. I struggle in this town... I try to fit in but there is no way I'll ever belong.Not only because I am different but also because I don't want to. People often say that I am weird and see me as a ditsy little thing just stumbling through but the truth is I just let them underestimate them because I don't want to have to deal with any of their backstabbing ways. Still they try to bring me down. What is it about me that is so threatening? I stillhaven't figured out why some people feel so threatened by me... I am just a poor aging woman trying to live in peace... I am here because of my son. If it weren't for him I would never have come back here. I absolutely HATE it here. I wish I could leave. But I can't... so everyone will just have to learn how to deal with that and find a way to leave me be.I don't want any of your cracker ass drama. I just want to be left alone to do my job. That's it. It might bring you allpleasure to know that my life is at it's best misery... so please... just leave me be or I promise you I will make you chokeon all the crap you send my way. I will not be stepped on and I am most definitely not a person to be trifled with.This is who I am... I am hurting and I am down... but if you keep poking me with a stick I will bite! Head my warning!Just leave me be and direct all your drama towards someone else I haven't the stomach for it nor the patience to dealwith bitchiness. But I will destroy anyone who gets on my last nerve and I am reaching the limit... I am at the thin line... I beg of you all, not for my sake but for yours, stop all of your punk-ass drama! You should direct such energies towardsbeing better people and helping others and not wasting your lives away on trying to bring down a sad little pup like me.Anyway... I can't help but feel flattered... even though I still don't know why I get people all hot and bothered. I amnothing... like I said, my life is at it's best misery. But you know what they say: "Misery loves company!"

My past caught up with me last night...

I was without internet connection since sunday. Yesterday they came and fixed it. I was excited to get my social life back. In my case, cyber social life... it's a long debate but many people think and defend that the cyber social life kills the real social life... I guess that maybe in some ways this is true. But that's another story. And so I started surfing the web again... reading news, looking up friends (old and new), listening to music (also old and new), looking up movie reviews, and other stuff... and a name that I haven't thought about in a long time popped up in my head... so as tha curious bug that I am I looked him up on facebook. A rush of emotions ran through me... but in the end one feeling stood out the most: pain. He hurt me. He broke my heart. It is safe to say that my heart hasn't been broken too many times because I never let myself get hurt. I never let myself fall in love. I always ran from love... but this one time I actually believed it was possible to be happy. I was so wrong... I opened up my heart and gave myself to a man that never was... and got my heart broken. It hurts still... because the man I thought him to be was never real. He was always an illusion I let myself believe in. And so that's what I miss... the man I thought him to be but never was. The man of my dreams. Does he exist? I don't know... and sometimes I think I'll never know. I guess maybe I had my happiness... or maybe I'm meant to roam the earth hoping and searching for someone or something that doesn't exist...

Withered

Light has faded from my eyes
poetry has left my lips
your name gone from my cries
my heart eclipsed

broken into a million small pieces
that no one in the world can see
for you it's beating ceases
even after all this time free

my soul still lingers
clasping what isn't there
remembers your soft fingers
running through my hair

your big blue stare
running me through
naked and bare
all for you!

But you weren't mine
you aren't mine still
I crossed the thin line
and followed my will

And now I live in hell
a baren place I created
I have broken and left my shell
for a love that was never fated.

All of your words, your sighs
the sweet look in your eyes
were all simple lies

that I thought true
because I believed you
because I loved you...

Going back

I often find myself wondering if I could go back in time what would I do different? Would I change anything? Would I try to "fix" my life? Maybe the question I should ask myself is if I could go back knowing what I know today would I do anything different? I thought about it very carefully and the truth is I made many mistakes throughout my life. I am not that old but I have quite a record of bad decisions and mistakes. Even though I am aware that many people hold such mistakes against me I don't think I'd change anything because every decision I made however wrong it was it made me who I am today. And I must say that I like who I am now. I don't like who I was but I am content with who I am. Of course there are things that I'd like to change but I realize that everyone has something they'd like to change. And you know what? That's just how life is... if we were all perfect and happy we would be gods and therefore we'd be somewhere else and not on this Earth and that would be a shame because however gloomy, harsh and unfair the world can be it also has such beauty and simplicity that it makes my heart weep and sing and the same time. It's true that I am not happy with my surroundings... but I am trying to make the most of it. I am trying to live and let live... as for the people who live here it's another story. They do anything but live and let live... they like to make other people's lives living hells... but you know what? For the innocent the past may hold a reward but for the treacherous it's only a matter of time before the past delivers what they truly deserve...

Nervous Breakdown

I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown... I literally am so tense that my back feels like a dried up stick of wood about to break. My muscles are so tight that I can barely move. I go to sleep screaming inside my head and wake up with that same scream. What is happening to the world? None of the kids I teach want to learn... they've given up on their lives before they even started... It saddens me. I try to make them see but it's pointless. They've lost all hope so they don't even care about their education. So in a couple of years I think that our world will take a huge step back... maybe even go back in to the dark ages. All the high tech gadgets will become obsolete and unused machinery that we remember but never use anymore. I don't know if I should look forward to the step back or dread it. In a way a return to nature would be a release from all the stress we face every day... but on the other hand I don't know how the current generation will face such changes.
These kids have awful taste in music and movies. They don't read... ever! They mock each other and start their sex lives way too early. I worry about them. Sometimes late at night I think of my students and how I can reach them. I try to make myself easy to talk to and I give them advice but in the end all I can do is hope they make the right decisions and that rarely happens. I wish there was more I could do but I feel like my hands are tied and all I can do is be here when they need a helping hand os someone to listen to them and understand what they're going through. I mean... I was their age once I can relate to some of the stuff they go through. I guess just listening is a huge help but I do wish I could do more. I wish they would listen to me as I listen to them. Or maybe they do listen... sooner or later.

Always the geek

I login but nobody cares
all my online friends ignore me
No one sees all my shares

Someone help me find the key
on this stupid online game
Am I so blind that I can't see

Social networks and chatrooms
webcams and roleplaying games
cyber dating equals social doom

This cyber life of mine
is as boring as the real thing
Everything lost it's shine

all the bits and bites
don't make me happy anymore
all the wrong I try to right

has grown into one big cyber mess
googling high school friends sucks
so I play a game of chess

but my computer beats me everytime
and none of my online friends chat me up
what was my crime?

I'm ignored in cyberspace
just like in real life
I guess I lost my grace...

I kill myself a thousand times a day
but I keep getting bonus lives
My lips are chapped cause I don't have a thing to say

days go by and I don't utter a word
I spend hours alone on my old computer
Trying to find my place in the world

Cyber or real... none of them want me
I don't have a place of my own
I am the odd duckling you see

In cyberspace or walking down the street
in a chatroom or having a cup of coffee
I will always be a geek.

the lesser of two evils is still EVIL

I read today that constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil... and it got me thinking... well... it got my mind racing with all sorts of thoughts. And I have a question: what if all we have to choose from is evil? What if we have no other choices? What then? Are we all doomed to make bad choices for the rest of our lives? Are we put on this earth to walk paths of sorrow untill the day we grab ours chests and die? Or is earth our own personal hell? I always thought that we all lived in the hell we make but now that I read that piece of wisdom I am not so sure... I think maybe we're all in hell as we thought of it. Maybe we live in some sort of twisted matrix world where we're all hooked up to virtual reality machines making us relive our darkest nightmares as punishment for whatever... I have no freaking idea... I am just freaking out and pissed at the world. I am also pissed at myself. Couldn't explain the reasons if I wanted to... all I know is that I have these awful feelings inside of me. All I know is that this rush of emotions is driving me insane. All I know is that I am constantly having panic attacks and just want to crawl into bed and hideout under the covers and sleep my life away.

You're my medicine...

I've got an ache inside an illness that's eating at me. It's burning from the inside and I feel like my skin will soon start to melt off. I look in the mirror and my eyes deceive me. I am not the young hopeful girl with big dreams I am a 34 year old woman whose window of opportunities has just closed. I feel like my life is done. Now I just have to work... work untill I grab my chest, take one last breath and die.
I have this dream... I am still hanging on to this one... I dream of a man that will come and make me forget about all the sorrow and pain I've been through. Someone that will come and make me smile again. A ray of warm light to cut through the darkness I've been hiding in. Are you out in the world? Are you coming my way? Maybe you got lost along the way as I did... I must tell you you're my medicine. You're the medicine that will cure my blues.

burst of confetti

My heart explodes... confetti bursts through the air as I stand still. My face is a cold stone. It doesn't reflect the pain I am actully feeling. The pieces of my heart float away on the breath of an afternoon breeze. I watch as all the small little pieces float up in the air. I try to shead a tear but I strain my eye. My face is a stone... it can't cry. It's emotioneless. And now I am heartless. Feelings don't live within anymore. I am an emtpy vessel. A shadow that is forever doomed to walk the earth. A statue. A stone hardened by the world around me. Heartless, tearless, numb. How far I've fallen! I am in the deepest of the deep. I have no where else to go. What do you do when you are shunned from your home? I started to feel at home here in this town even though years ago I ran from it. I guess my instincts were right... I never should have come back. Nothing has changed! The people here are still the same bitches and assholes they were when I left. What the fuck was I thinking? I had too much faith in people. I had faith in myself and these fuckers took it away. I have nothing left now. Nothing! I am an empty shell longing to be taken back to the sea...

numb

Right now I am feeling numb. It's like the whole world is going round and round and round and I am standing still oblivious to any of the things happening around me. It's like the whole universe is running on fast forwaard and I'm on pause. All the movement and life around me is making me dizzy. I just want to close my eyes and open them to a better world. I want to open my eyes and see fairness. I don't want to hear or read that some shit politician stole money. I don't want to know that politicians make 4 or 5 times more money than anyone else. I don't want to read that poverty has reached the highest percentage since the 90's. I don't want to hear about people losing their jobs and having no work. I don't want to see people stabbing each other in the back. I want to open my eyes and see my son grow up to be a man. A fine man... just, healthy and happy. I want to dance at his wedding. I want to hold my grandchildren. I want to be able to smile again.

got jobs?

I've been a living in Portugal for many years. My parents are portuguese. I came here to go to school. I ended up staying here for university. I've always loved this country but now... now I am starting to hate it! I've waisted years of my life studying trying to better myself for nothing. I am a teacher on the verge of unemployment. And I am not alone. There are thousands more. And we're all in this position because of corruption. The whole system is corrupt. The government is corrupt. If you look up the word "corruption" in the dictionary you will find a picture of the portuguese government. The legal system is a joke. Tax payers are paying a shit load of money so that we can be daily sodomized by everyone. The little guy always gets screwed. What are we to do? It would be a whole different case if we were lazy and wanted to stay at home doing nothing and getting welfare. But it's not the case. We WANT work! There has to be a solution. You can't just fire us all to make room for your fucking "friend of a friend" politics. And you surely can't have a phys. ed. teacher teaching computer science. What the hell does he know about it anyway? He knows how to write letters with MS Word, or some basic functions on MS Excel... ah! and he has a fucking facebook profile. That's how you fucking governamental idiots think of us? You need a reality check. Or maybe advise your fucking "friends" to get the right university degree so us REAL teachers don't feel like we're being fucked. It's absolutely unacceptable! They don't even try to hide the fact that they're getting "jobs for the boys". It's a fucking conflict of interest. What the fuck is going on? Is this the world we live in today? Are we always going to be defined by the people we know? If you don't know the right people you are definitely fucked for life. What are we to do? lay down and die? I refuse to do so. I think it's time for another revolution...

unappreciated

It's been several years since I've felt like this. I feel unappreciated, overwhalmed, scared, angry, sad... all the awful feelings we one time or another feel when we're about to brake up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. It's that feeling in the pitt of your stomach like you've been punched. In the midst of such feelings you feel broken, unmotivated, powerless... Like your life has no meaning. Tears rush to your eyes when you least expect them. You walk around feeling and acting like a zombie. You can't think about anything else but the cause of your anxiety. It has absolutely taken over your daily life. Like nothing before ever happened and like nothing ahead will ever happen. Uncertainty rules you, chews you up and spits you out. You hardly ever sleep and when you do nightmares take over. When you wake you feel like something a sick cat coughed up. Nothing makes you smile anymore and with the passing hours you turn into this sarcastic evil bitch that snaps at everyone and everything. You can't stand to be around people and you can't stand to be alone either. All this I don't wish unto anyone. Not even people who hae done me wrong. And now imagine feeling this way about a job...

SFW...?

So what if I'm 34 years old and still living at home? So what if I don't make enough money to pay my bills? So what if I have a 10 year old son in school? So what if I want to work and I don't have a full-time job? So what if I went to university and worked hard for my degree? So what if I have to borrow money from my parents? So what if I don't have a car and have to use my mom's? So what if I can't afford any kind of decent life? So what if the country goest to shit? So what if bankers and politicians embezzle money? So what if the rich get richer and the poor get miserable? So what if I worked hard every year of my life and beyond the call of duty? So what if I am unwinlligly near unemployment because some fucking asshole in the ministry of education decides that tech teachers are obsolete? So what if that same asshole can't see that computers, robotics and other aspects of technology are the future? So what if those type of jobs are being given to unqualified personel just because they have the RIGHT last name? So what if I am frustrated? SO FUCKING WHAT???????

Stuck in a funk...

I've been trying to understand the path my life has taken these last couple of years and I must say that I'm completely baffled! I have no idea where I'm going. Where I've been... well... that's a different story. I've always been surrounded by... I have no name for it. Sometimes I've been right in the middle of the nameless feeling or happenings. It wasn't all bad though. I've had some happiness. I just can't seem to get some at this stage of my life. Why? I have no clue. Like I said... I have no idea where I'm going. I guess I just hit auto-pilot and am letting life take me where ever it wants me to be. What I mean is: I've always fought fate and tried to build my own path but the truth is no matter how hard I fought I always end up where life wants me to go. So what's the point? I feel like I'm at a crossroads and I don't know which road to choose. I have to wait for the wind to push me towards the direction I'm supposed to go. I know who I used to be. It was never the person I wanted to be. But who am I supposed to be now? I have no clue about that one either... I guess I'm stuck in this limbo and don't know how to get out of this funky funk. Love life is... well... it isn't. And I've come to terms with that one. There are other ways to be happy but I can't seem to fulfill myself with any of them. I always feel like something is missing. Like I have this hole inside of me that can't be filled. Maybe one day I'll find it's full. And maybe one day I'll wake up and realize that I'm the person I always wanted to be. Or maybe later that day I'll disappoint myself and end up right where I am now. It's a vicious cycle. But the one thing that never changes is change and I can't wait for some change to happen to me and to my life.

complicating uncomplicated things...

I often wonder why some people have the natural born talent to complicate everything. My last post was kind of insane and I will let you know why. The truth is that I am surrounded by people that complicate every little thing and thrive on gossip. As you well know gossip as a very particular snowball effect - for example, you say "la" and when it reaches it's full potential it's now a "la-di-da-di-da"! D'you understand? I'm not big on all that drama. I absolutely get bored and annoyed with drama queens and there are many around me. Also there are is a growing group (or sect?) of drama kings. You all know what drama queens (and/or kings) are right? I can't stand all their bickoring and making everything about them and they're always playing the role of the victim. I absolutely stay away from all that crap. Because it is what it is - absolute crap! I am a dreamer... I day-dream all the time and I am always looking forward to the night fall so I can go to bed and slip into the dream realm. I like to imagine all kinds of alternative realities and get sucked into them. I find that everything is very clear to me. But sometimes I get messed up because I'm in the midst of people that complicate the uncomplicated. It's like living in a town of emotional vampires that are constantly at me trying to suck the life out of me. I feel like I won't be able to fight them off much longer. I am so tired. There's very little energy in me to fight off all the evil people that surround me. But I most absolutely die trying. And this is my life! A constant battle against drama and gossip. A true apic fight against everything I loath. A war against people that wish I wasn't here and try their best to get me to leave. Well... I have news for all of you! I'm not going anywhere! Deal with it!

The day after...

I am now 34 years old. It all seems so unreal to me. It's like I fell asleep and just woke up old, tired and heavy. I just let life pass me by and now I'm just numb and wondering where it all went wrong. Or maybe it's the way it should be. I have no idea. I'm a bit confused at this point. The past few years I saw things so clearly. Eveyrthing was always so black or white to me. I never "believed" in grey areas. But now... I'm not sure of anything anymore. Is this what they call the midlife crisis? I have no idea. Maybe not or I wouldn't have identified it as such. Maybe I'm just having the post-birthday blues. Maybe tomorrow and the next day and next week I'll still be having doubts. I am always second guessing myself but now I'm just confused about everything! I had such high hopes and dreams of where and who I wanted to be at this point in my life and I so missed the mark. I am far from anything I ever imagined. But at the same time I'm not sad nor frustrated. I'm just confused because I never thought I could "survive" here and I think the past two years I've been doing a good job. Maybe I can endure. Maybe I can be happy here being this person I never thought I'd be.

Birthday Blues

Today is my 34th birthday. I thought I would have fun and that THIS year things would be different but... the truth is I think that things will always be THIS way on my birthday. My aunt is sick. There's a funeral today. My dad... well... my dad ignores me completely and is going to be late for dinner because he was a "thing"... I know I'm not a little kid anymore but I would like to have a friggin'm normal birthday just once in my life! I would like not to be a nervous wreck because of all the family feuding and I would like to gather my whole family for a nice cocktail party of some sort. I would like to be sitting at the table and watching everyone get along and think about how blessed I am. But the truth is far from what I would like. My oncle, my father's twin, married the most horrid woman you can imagine. She's a complete redneck evil person and I absolutely can't tolerate her presence. I wish she would go away. So that's one part of the family I'm not having over. My dad is fighting with my godfather, his older brother, and aren't currently on speaking terms... so that's another part of the family I can't have over. The rest of the family are either away from here (lucky them!) or not speaking to each other. My friends are all far from here too... so I won't have any friends over either. *sigh*
But you know what? I'm not sad... I'm wiggin' out because I'm already 34 years old. Years ago I'd never thought I'd be laying in bed blogging about family feuds on my birthday. LOL. I'm not happy but I'm not sad either. I'm content. I'm alive and I'm living. Can't ask for much more than that. So... happy birthday to me! I hope next year I'll be online writting another bitchy post. :)

emptiness

Like you I feel lost, empty, betrayed by life, alone... I try to cope with the hand destiny dealt me but I am feeling more and more outraged. This is not my life! This is not who I am supposed to be! This is not my dream... In my dream I am old and I just woke up. I go to the kitchen and brew some coffee. I walk barefoot outside with my cup of warm coffee and I stand on the porch for a few minutes. I look back at the blue door of my house and smile. I walk out in to the wet grass... it's summer but it just stopped raining and I can feel the moisture between my toes. It feels like bliss. I close my eyes and hear the birds singing as the sun tries to shine through some small clouds still hanging up in the sky. I feel his arms around me. I feel his warmth and his breath on my neck and I am safe. All I wanted was a simple country life. I never wanted to fuck up so many times... but I did. I have to deal with that now. I miss my dream. I wish I could somehow make it come true. But I know now that it's just a dream. I have to come back down to earth and live life as it comes. There is no magic nor poetry nor song that I can expect. Just this.

See ME...

My mind is blank... Usually I'm filled with opinions and thoughts but today... nothing!
I'm going back "home" tomorrow. It'll be an interesting train ride up north. It'll be like taking a train to hell. I'm not paying Charon though. The world is going through tough times. Money is tight. So... I'm not paying him. Maybe he'll leave me behind and I'll forever roam the Earth in a limbo-like state. I already feel like a ghost roaming the halls at work, the streets of the town I live in, the rooms of my house... I am a ghost left behind and I don't know I'm dead.
I'm "feeding" my ipod all kinds of yummy music for my trip back to "hell". I've been listening to Kristin Hersh, Die Haut, Nick Cave, The Breeders, The Smiths, Band of Horses, Metric, Amanda Palmer... among others. Do you aprove? If you haven't heard of them, check them out on youtube. You'll absolutely LOVE any of these artists. :)
My birthday is 10 days away... I guess the blank mind is due to the birthday blues. I usually get the birthday blues a week or so before. I think about everything I planned for my life and then realize I'm no where near to what I maped out. I've strayed from the plan. Along the way I just figured that if I never made plans anymore I wouldn't get as disappointed as if I had made plans and they never worked out. But I must say... I never thought I'd be where I am today. I'd never thought I'd be the person I am. In ever wanted to be this person that I am... maybe one day I'll wake up and realize I'm exactly who I'm supposed to be. But for now... I'm not happy. I'm no where near happiness. I am okay. I know I'll always be okay. But I long for happiness. I miss laughing out loud. I miss looking at pictures of myself smiling. There haven't been many of those the past 10 years. I want to be so happy that it'll feel like my heart is exploding out of my chest. I want to ooze happiness out of every pore of my skin. I want to stop being the invisible weird girl. I want you to see ME and not the person someone told you I am. I am ME! I am not pretensious or pretend to know everything about anything... I don't wear a mask to hide who I really am. I don't fit in the box society built to standardize the masses. The masses are asses! I don't hide behind all those layers of bullshit. I am plain. I am naked. I am raw. I am ME! See ME!

sad dark eyes

"sorry we're closed"

I wish I could crawl out of my shell and hug the world. But the world wants nothing to do with me. I dream of you sometimes... faceless and perfect. Lying in your nameless arms I feel safe. Your other wordly breath on my skin is warm and soothing. Your soft touch seems to bring me back to life. I wake up and the heart that was broken many times before feels hope. I know we're under the same skies looking up at the same star talking up to the same moon. You'll put my shattered heart back together and hold my hand. Do you think of me like I dream of you?

Every step that we take is a step closer... But for now I'll hang up a "sorry we're closed" sign on my heart and just live. The missing piece will soon come along to complete me.

My heart stands still...

The past thirteen years of my life I lived in a small city by the sea. I was happy here. All my friends were here. No one messed with me or freaked me out. I had to move away for work and it's been a hellish two years. It's like I aged 10 years in a small amount of time. The magic inside of me slowly faded. The music I swayed to slowly muted. My dreams lost their color. Food lost it's taste. My heart stood still. I forgot bits and pieces about myself. I forgot how to smile. My skin is emotioneless. My eyes are sad and dry. They haven't anymore tears to shead. My body is tired and older. My mind isn't challenged. My breath is cold. My lips are chapped. I bottle up all my feelings and sit by the window staring outside wondering if it'll always be this way. Promises broken. Lovers swallowed by the quicksand that surrounds me. Words left unsaid. Unable to help the helpless. Unable to smite the wicked. My ears are soiled by evil that lives next door. I just want to sleep. I wish I could wake up and realize that the past two years were only one long nightmare. I want to smile again like I mean it. I want to laugh. I want to mend my broken heart and have it beating again. I want to love. I want to sing. I want blue skies and happy faces on my way back home.

For those who need a little "push"

"Porcelain" - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Baby I'm afraid of a lot of things
But I ain't scared of loving you
Baby I know you're afraid of a lot of things
But don't be scared of love
Cause people will say all kinds of things
That don't mean a damn to me
Cause all I see is what's in front of me
And thats you...
Well, I've been dragged all over the place
I've taken hits time just don't erase
And baby I can see you've been fucked with too
But that don't mean your loving days are through
Cause people will say all kinds of things
That don't mean a damn to me
Cause all I see is what's in front of me
And thats you
Well I may be just a fool
But I know were just as cool
And cool kids...
they belong together.

Saturday Night Confused Thoughts

The night has fallen and the moon is high. I look outside my window and I see all the specks of light. I also see the fires that people start during summer. I hate that people feel the need to destroy Mother Nature. The flickering lights seem to fight against the fires but there's nothing they can do. The fires will soon swallow them up and families will lose their homes and property. I listen to the sounds outside... I hear a dog barking, crickets, a door downstairs banging. My fan keeps me grounded because I am so tired and weary I can barely take notice of what I am writing. I think, my friends, these are words of desperation. I fell uninspired, sad, powerless, frustrated. I want to leave this fowl place and never look back! The people here are absolute monsters! I try and I try... over and over... but I just can't deal with all this drama anymore. I wish I could just... I don't know... just open my eyes and awake somewhere else, as someone else and realize that this life is just a bad dream. But my bad bream is endless and overpowering. I shall only awaken when I die... I am not suicidal. I just gave in to what other people wanted for me. I just got too tired of chasing fucking rainbows and dreams I never had a chance to realize. I never had a chance in hell. So now I am this person I never wanted to be dreaming of the person I always wanted to be realizing that the person I was never thought that I'd be the person I never wanted to be... I just got lost along the way and took someone else's directions. And now I'm screwed (I so want to write "fucked" because that's how I feel... I've been fucked by the universe!). At least I can laugh about it and smile when I remember the (few) good days I had. I was happy once maybe I'll find happiness again. You'll never know...

...less

Nameless
faceless people
in a sea
of conformity

Tasteless
softless
mannequins
no one wins

Brainless
heartless
robots computing
brooding...

Shapeless
mindless
humans that run
what have they done?

Fearless
wishless
suicidal me
when will I be free?

The In Between

I've been having conversations with someone about "the one". Should we settle for second best? Or should we hold out for "the one"? Should we live in the in between or should we hope for the perfect love? I don't think I could ever settle for second best... actually I tried second best and I just felt bitter and empty. You can try to jam a piece of a puzzle which is missing the right piece but you'll never get that perfect fit and if you're like me you know you can't just let that puzzle be unfinished. I like to believe that there is a perfect someone out there for all of us... but if we keep settling for second best, if we keep moving into the in between, we'll never get our perfect someone because he's with his second best dreaming of you.

things we say... things we write.

Sometimes the things we write are the things we can't say. But what if we can't write what we want to put out there? What if the universe isn't ready for what we have to say or write? What I write is not a mirror of who I seem to be. The person that I am would never write what you sometimes read here. I am not a person who speaks up... I utter the things I think people want to hear from me. So I guess I don't say anything at all. I write what I feel. And it helps me deal with the messed up world around me. And if what I write touches someone out there through the vastness of cyberspace then I'll feel accomplished. What I say and what I write are two separate worlds even though what I write is what I feel and think... society keeps me from saying what I need to say. I've always been the odd duckling. I'll always be the odd duckling... but I'll be the odd duckling with writen words left behind... words that couldn't be said before. Words that need to be read and remembered. One day far from now I'll read all the stuff I wrote here on my blog and remember everything... a rush of feelings and of blood will flow through me and my memories will be mine and of the universe.

Dreams and Regrets

Some nights I dream of him... the one that got away. The one I let slip through my fingers because I listened to backstabbing "friends". I was young, full of myself, scared, confused... an emotional wreck. I purposely hurt him and pushed him away because of all my insecurities, fear and stupidity. I trusted people that weren't deserving of my friendship and let them tell me what to do and how to be. I lost the one person who ever really loved me. I lost the one. Some nights I dream of him... I dream how he forgives me and everything is alright. I dream of his kiss, his smell, his touch... and then I wake up and remember that he will never forgive me. I tried many times to make a mends. I never got a word... nothing. He despises me. And I don't blame him. I would despise myself... as I did for many years. I dream of him. I regret hurting him. I hope someday he'll forgive me. I've been punished enough and I think that maybe I got more hurt and sorrow than anyone deserves in life. I wish for forgiveness. I think maybe that's why I sometimes dream of him. He's the only one that never forgave me. Don't get me wrong. I'm not in love with him. I loved him... but I'm not in love with him. I long for his forgiveness. You see... I was a very different person back then. I was a very bad person. I was dooped by the friends I had back then. And then I just moved away from all their crap and decided to kick myself in the ass everyday because I thought I needed punishment. And so I just led this messed up life... meaningless... alone. And one day I guess I just opened my eyes. Maybe I opened them too late but at least their open now and I can see the past, live the future and dream of the future...

Tired of being lonely...

I don't post a lot of songs on my blog but I thought tonight I should try to fill my heart with... I just want to feel something. I've been empty for so long and I'm trying to... I really don't know what I'm trying to do or feel... I just now that I'm a shadow of the person I was or should be. I have no one to lean in close to but I am definitely tired of being lonely...

Angel of Death

The angel of death came to me in a dream last night. She told me to live now before she comes back for me. I don't know how long I still have left... nobody does. Our expiration date is unknown. And I guess it's better that way. A couple of years ago I went through hell with depression and I thought I was past that but lately I haven't been felling so hot. It's like I don't know who I am. I've never known who I was but the past couple of years I've been at peace... My heart was calm. But now... these past few days... It's like I come full circle. I am starting to doubt myself again. I still don't know who I am and that thought is slowly trying to break out of the back of my mind. I hear the clock ticking inside of me... I think of my life before and what it's like now. All the people I had... they all left. I guess the people in your life always leave. Friends... Family... and your left with a whole in your chest that you can't fill no matter how hard you try. But you have to try or there's no point to anything. I don't want to be a zombie anymore. I want to be myself. I want to be the person I always thought I'd be. I want to be the person I know I can be. I want to be me. I wish I knew how to be me. So I guess I'll take the Angel of Death's advice and live.... because you never know when your number is up and you expire...

HERE

aching breaking

crying sweating

screaming learning

sleeping waking

dreaming changing

drinking bickering

nagging going

coming seeing

acting feeling

lying dying

rhymes without reason

rain without season

drowning in thought

and feeling caught

in old loneliness

crumpled on my chest

time passing by

babies cry

people die

we all lie

they can't see

they're not me

I'm not living

nor grieving

I'm just...

...here.

Will you be my rain?

I am a teacher. And right now school is out for the summer (where have I heard this before? eh eh eh) but us teachers still have to come in to work and prepare exames for students that failed, take care of a whole ton of burocracy, try to enroll new students, and other stuff you might find boring. I'm taking a small break from burocracy to write this post. I'm in the teacher's lounge with my headphones on listening to a nice piece of music from the True Blood soundtrack (does the title of this post ring a bell? check it out on youtube... you'll be hooked). And this nice little song as got me thinking about my life and I just realized that the room was in slow motion and I was just gone for a few minutes. I was listening to the song and thinking of who would ever want to be my rain? Is there anyone I'd want to be my rain? Right now I could use a little rain... the weather is so hot and sticky I just want to dive in the river that flows near my house and live underwater like a mermaid. I know... rivers don't have mermaids. I'd be the first and only one. But living under the cool fresh running water would be so perfect now. I could drown out everyone else's comments... I could escape everything that brings me down. But when I'm done thinking of freedom and release I go right back to thoughts of love... and lack of it. I am 33 years old... about to turn 34. I guess maybe I had my share of romantic happiness. The song brings peace and helps me realize this. But it also makes me come to the conclusion that I'm not sure of anything. The only things I know for sure is that the moon shines down on me through the night and the sun rises the next day and the water keeps flowing and the rain comes and washes away the hot sticky weather and life goes on... with or without me.

How mental am I?

Sometimes when it rains it's like I can see my life passing by inside the raindrops... each of them carrying one vivid memory of my past and plays in slow motion so I can see over and over the mistakes I've made. I try destroying these raindrops between my fingers but millions more holding even deeper memories drop on my head, my face and the earth surrounding me. The earth is wet with memories... mine and other people's. Everyday I step on the ground thinking I'm stepping through my memories and the memories of others that echo through the ground trying to make themselves heard or seen. They cry fro forgiveness, sing songs of lost loves, howl words of vengeance... I close my eyes and try to drown them out with my thoughts. But sometimes the thoughts I think aren't my own. It's like I have the thoughts of a small village echoing inside my head in different languages but all understandable. Maybe I just have more than one inner voice to guide me but that's plain mad because most of the times they clash and I can't make up my mind. And so I am roaming this earth trying to destroy raindrops, running from voices that don't exist and avoiding reality and normalcy. But what is normal anyway? Where is it written that normal is being, thinking, acting like everyone else? If so I don't want to be normal and am glad I am the way that I am. I don't want much from life... I just want to be left alone in my room watching my horror movies and listening to Led Zeppelin wearing just my pajamas and flip-flops dancing around... going to work everyday and having a blast with my students. I wish I wouldn't feel inadequate around the people here in this town. It's like I'm living some sort of invasion of the bodysnatchers. But the deal here is that they've all been taken over by aliens. They're all so mechanical and conniving... their smiles remind me of Kang and Kodos from the Simpsons. And well people... that's how freaky my mind works... I start out with poetry, raindrops, the whole shebang and end with cartoon aliens. How mental am I? :)

I hope everyone has a great day, I'm off to work!

My Cage

The world impregnates me with thoughts of freedom and happiness... sometimes I have them at reach, so much that I can almost grasp them. But then she whispers in my ear and it all turns to dust and falls apart as I close my hands to hold on to any glimmer of hope or serenity... People plant the seeds of in my mind... seeds that start to grow and she kills with her winter cold words. In the place of her heart is a block of ice magically produced to never melt. The seeds die... but I create worlds where I roam wild and free just like the universe meant for me to be. I am an artist, a writer, a singer, a mother, a happy little piglet. I close my eyes and I'm there. I travel without moving. I visit places I long to see through books and websurfing and at night I dream them around me. Before I go to bed I sit at my window gazing up at the sky wondering if my life will always be this great big trap I built for me... this guilded cage she keeps me in to torture me at her will. I hide in the attic with my music and my writting but sometimes I just want to jump out the window. Other times I just want to disappear. Sometimes I imagine what it would be like if I just left. I can't quite reach the key to my guilded cage just yet. There is much more to endure, someone else to protect from her evil tortures. So I endure and one day it'll all come falling down on her like a ton of bricks and I won't be sorry at all. One day I'll earn my freedom and leave this prison I created for myself. It is all my own doing. So I accept it and live with the hope that one day I'll be free.

Allergic Bronchitis - part II

Well the doc told me to stay at home for the next three days and this time not go back to work so quickly. He also told me to stay out of the sun and to bundle up. But the truth is I am freaking hot! All I want to do is take cold showers and just sit in front of a fan or stick my head in the freezer! And I also have a splitting headache... the most splitting of them all! I also want to sleep but can't... it just won't come. But I'm already used to that. Sleepless nights staring at the ceiling wondering when the shit will hit the fan. It's like I'm in some big-ass hellish waiting room just waiting to get stomped on. Squished like a little small hopeless and helpless ant. That's how I am feeling right now. In a blink of an eye my life can just come crumbling down like it always does. But the truth is... I don't know how much worse it can get. So... give it your best shot! I'm still fucking standing! I'm still here taking crap from everyone! BRING IT ON! I won't back down.

Allergic Bronchitis

I've been very ill lately with allergic bronchitis. My energy level is at it's lowest. I should be at home mending my sickly body but I am at work. Should I ask the doctor for some more down time? I had 3 days of confinement that nearly drove me crazy but now I am not feeling any better... actually I started to write this post yesterday and today I am feeling worse so I have an appointment with my doc again. I feel absolutely drained... mentally and physically. I just want to lay down and sleep for a whole year. This past year I've aged about 10 years! I am tottally destroyed. I don't think I'll ever be the same again. I feel powerless and sick all the time. My brain feels like it might explode any minute. My chest hurts so much that it feels like an elephant is sitting on it. My back... well... my back aches whatever position I'm in. My legs tingle and hurt. My feet are as swollen as a proud father's head. My eyes aren't sparkly anymore... they are just surrounded by the darkest circles you can imagine. My hands aren't fast and steady anymore and I just lost all joy or will to do anything or whatever. I just want to sleep...

Turning a new leaf...

I have a hole inside of me... Throughout the years I tried filling it with all the wrong people and now I am just a broken shell of the person I used to be. I can't mend what I broke over the years... friendships, relationships... they're all just grains of sand that got blown away by the storm that was my personality. I pushed people away... I never knew who I wanted to be... I know I never wanted the be the person you all see. And now I am nobody. Just a ghost of the person I used to be wandering the world hoping for better days to come. I wake up each day, go to work and come home. I have no friends. I have no loves nor love interests. I am empty but longing to be filled again. Will that day ever come? I have no idea... but as long as I keep hoping my daily routines are somewhat bareble. I think maybe I need a plan... I need to take care of myself and think more about myself. I need to get out there and work hard on myself and on the person I want to be. I have to put aside my books and movies and breathe in the fresh (right now hot) mountain air and take a stand. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself and live. Life is for the living... I spent so much of my life dancing with death, I was totally in love with it... thought it was so romantic. How stupid I was. I think all that is crap. Death is not romantic. Death is just Death. It's the end of your time to do whatever it is you came here to do. I don't want to leave without doing every little thing I'm supposed to do. I want to live! And I want to live well and find some measure of happiness along the way. I will wake up tomorrow ready to take on this new found - I have no word for it - resolution? yeah... I am putting this plan in to action and I shall prevail! I shall set small goals and achieve them. I shall mend my heart and my body. I shall bring back to life the fun outgoing ballsy person I used to be. That is now my plan. It'll be my mission!