complicating uncomplicated things...

I often wonder why some people have the natural born talent to complicate everything. My last post was kind of insane and I will let you know why. The truth is that I am surrounded by people that complicate every little thing and thrive on gossip. As you well know gossip as a very particular snowball effect - for example, you say "la" and when it reaches it's full potential it's now a "la-di-da-di-da"! D'you understand? I'm not big on all that drama. I absolutely get bored and annoyed with drama queens and there are many around me. Also there are is a growing group (or sect?) of drama kings. You all know what drama queens (and/or kings) are right? I can't stand all their bickoring and making everything about them and they're always playing the role of the victim. I absolutely stay away from all that crap. Because it is what it is - absolute crap! I am a dreamer... I day-dream all the time and I am always looking forward to the night fall so I can go to bed and slip into the dream realm. I like to imagine all kinds of alternative realities and get sucked into them. I find that everything is very clear to me. But sometimes I get messed up because I'm in the midst of people that complicate the uncomplicated. It's like living in a town of emotional vampires that are constantly at me trying to suck the life out of me. I feel like I won't be able to fight them off much longer. I am so tired. There's very little energy in me to fight off all the evil people that surround me. But I most absolutely die trying. And this is my life! A constant battle against drama and gossip. A true apic fight against everything I loath. A war against people that wish I wasn't here and try their best to get me to leave. Well... I have news for all of you! I'm not going anywhere! Deal with it!

The day after...

I am now 34 years old. It all seems so unreal to me. It's like I fell asleep and just woke up old, tired and heavy. I just let life pass me by and now I'm just numb and wondering where it all went wrong. Or maybe it's the way it should be. I have no idea. I'm a bit confused at this point. The past few years I saw things so clearly. Eveyrthing was always so black or white to me. I never "believed" in grey areas. But now... I'm not sure of anything anymore. Is this what they call the midlife crisis? I have no idea. Maybe not or I wouldn't have identified it as such. Maybe I'm just having the post-birthday blues. Maybe tomorrow and the next day and next week I'll still be having doubts. I am always second guessing myself but now I'm just confused about everything! I had such high hopes and dreams of where and who I wanted to be at this point in my life and I so missed the mark. I am far from anything I ever imagined. But at the same time I'm not sad nor frustrated. I'm just confused because I never thought I could "survive" here and I think the past two years I've been doing a good job. Maybe I can endure. Maybe I can be happy here being this person I never thought I'd be.

Birthday Blues

Today is my 34th birthday. I thought I would have fun and that THIS year things would be different but... the truth is I think that things will always be THIS way on my birthday. My aunt is sick. There's a funeral today. My dad... well... my dad ignores me completely and is going to be late for dinner because he was a "thing"... I know I'm not a little kid anymore but I would like to have a friggin'm normal birthday just once in my life! I would like not to be a nervous wreck because of all the family feuding and I would like to gather my whole family for a nice cocktail party of some sort. I would like to be sitting at the table and watching everyone get along and think about how blessed I am. But the truth is far from what I would like. My oncle, my father's twin, married the most horrid woman you can imagine. She's a complete redneck evil person and I absolutely can't tolerate her presence. I wish she would go away. So that's one part of the family I'm not having over. My dad is fighting with my godfather, his older brother, and aren't currently on speaking terms... so that's another part of the family I can't have over. The rest of the family are either away from here (lucky them!) or not speaking to each other. My friends are all far from here too... so I won't have any friends over either. *sigh*
But you know what? I'm not sad... I'm wiggin' out because I'm already 34 years old. Years ago I'd never thought I'd be laying in bed blogging about family feuds on my birthday. LOL. I'm not happy but I'm not sad either. I'm content. I'm alive and I'm living. Can't ask for much more than that. So... happy birthday to me! I hope next year I'll be online writting another bitchy post. :)

emptiness

Like you I feel lost, empty, betrayed by life, alone... I try to cope with the hand destiny dealt me but I am feeling more and more outraged. This is not my life! This is not who I am supposed to be! This is not my dream... In my dream I am old and I just woke up. I go to the kitchen and brew some coffee. I walk barefoot outside with my cup of warm coffee and I stand on the porch for a few minutes. I look back at the blue door of my house and smile. I walk out in to the wet grass... it's summer but it just stopped raining and I can feel the moisture between my toes. It feels like bliss. I close my eyes and hear the birds singing as the sun tries to shine through some small clouds still hanging up in the sky. I feel his arms around me. I feel his warmth and his breath on my neck and I am safe. All I wanted was a simple country life. I never wanted to fuck up so many times... but I did. I have to deal with that now. I miss my dream. I wish I could somehow make it come true. But I know now that it's just a dream. I have to come back down to earth and live life as it comes. There is no magic nor poetry nor song that I can expect. Just this.

See ME...

My mind is blank... Usually I'm filled with opinions and thoughts but today... nothing!
I'm going back "home" tomorrow. It'll be an interesting train ride up north. It'll be like taking a train to hell. I'm not paying Charon though. The world is going through tough times. Money is tight. So... I'm not paying him. Maybe he'll leave me behind and I'll forever roam the Earth in a limbo-like state. I already feel like a ghost roaming the halls at work, the streets of the town I live in, the rooms of my house... I am a ghost left behind and I don't know I'm dead.
I'm "feeding" my ipod all kinds of yummy music for my trip back to "hell". I've been listening to Kristin Hersh, Die Haut, Nick Cave, The Breeders, The Smiths, Band of Horses, Metric, Amanda Palmer... among others. Do you aprove? If you haven't heard of them, check them out on youtube. You'll absolutely LOVE any of these artists. :)
My birthday is 10 days away... I guess the blank mind is due to the birthday blues. I usually get the birthday blues a week or so before. I think about everything I planned for my life and then realize I'm no where near to what I maped out. I've strayed from the plan. Along the way I just figured that if I never made plans anymore I wouldn't get as disappointed as if I had made plans and they never worked out. But I must say... I never thought I'd be where I am today. I'd never thought I'd be the person I am. In ever wanted to be this person that I am... maybe one day I'll wake up and realize I'm exactly who I'm supposed to be. But for now... I'm not happy. I'm no where near happiness. I am okay. I know I'll always be okay. But I long for happiness. I miss laughing out loud. I miss looking at pictures of myself smiling. There haven't been many of those the past 10 years. I want to be so happy that it'll feel like my heart is exploding out of my chest. I want to ooze happiness out of every pore of my skin. I want to stop being the invisible weird girl. I want you to see ME and not the person someone told you I am. I am ME! I am not pretensious or pretend to know everything about anything... I don't wear a mask to hide who I really am. I don't fit in the box society built to standardize the masses. The masses are asses! I don't hide behind all those layers of bullshit. I am plain. I am naked. I am raw. I am ME! See ME!

sad dark eyes

"sorry we're closed"

I wish I could crawl out of my shell and hug the world. But the world wants nothing to do with me. I dream of you sometimes... faceless and perfect. Lying in your nameless arms I feel safe. Your other wordly breath on my skin is warm and soothing. Your soft touch seems to bring me back to life. I wake up and the heart that was broken many times before feels hope. I know we're under the same skies looking up at the same star talking up to the same moon. You'll put my shattered heart back together and hold my hand. Do you think of me like I dream of you?

Every step that we take is a step closer... But for now I'll hang up a "sorry we're closed" sign on my heart and just live. The missing piece will soon come along to complete me.

My heart stands still...

The past thirteen years of my life I lived in a small city by the sea. I was happy here. All my friends were here. No one messed with me or freaked me out. I had to move away for work and it's been a hellish two years. It's like I aged 10 years in a small amount of time. The magic inside of me slowly faded. The music I swayed to slowly muted. My dreams lost their color. Food lost it's taste. My heart stood still. I forgot bits and pieces about myself. I forgot how to smile. My skin is emotioneless. My eyes are sad and dry. They haven't anymore tears to shead. My body is tired and older. My mind isn't challenged. My breath is cold. My lips are chapped. I bottle up all my feelings and sit by the window staring outside wondering if it'll always be this way. Promises broken. Lovers swallowed by the quicksand that surrounds me. Words left unsaid. Unable to help the helpless. Unable to smite the wicked. My ears are soiled by evil that lives next door. I just want to sleep. I wish I could wake up and realize that the past two years were only one long nightmare. I want to smile again like I mean it. I want to laugh. I want to mend my broken heart and have it beating again. I want to love. I want to sing. I want blue skies and happy faces on my way back home.