I really HATE realtors!!!!

I really HATE realtors... Just this week they tried to pull a fast one on me. But I'm smarter and found out I was being F#$%ed over. It was a nice place on the top floor (8th floor). Pretty big and modern. But when I was going to start to move some of my stuff in I realized that the elevator was broken. The building has two elevators and none of them was working. So I went to talk to some lady that was outside the building and she told me that one of the elevators hasn't worked in 30 years!!!! And the other had been broken for almost a month... A FREAKING MONTH! I was so MAD! I went straight to the realtors and told them off and I droped the place I was suposed to rent. So now I'm homeless again... lmao! But not for long! I already got a new place that's much nicer than the one I was going to rent. It's bigger and only 5€ over the price of the previous place I was getting. So I'm happy! But realtors still suck!

I WISH

I WISH YOU WOULD SEE ME

AS I AM TODAY

I WISH YOU COULD BE ME

JUST FOR ONE DAY

THE WORLD AS I KNOW IT

IS A HARD ROCK

NOT EASILY BROKEN...

I'VE BEEN DEEMED UNFIT~

NOT OF THE SAME STOCK,

NOT ONE OF THE CHOSEN.

I AM PLAIN JANE

I AM WEIRD

AND NOT VAIN

HE IS ALWAYS WITH ME

TO KEEP ME GROUNDED

TO HELP ME SEE

HOW THE WORLD IS

HAPPY AND CRUEL.

I SAY, HE SAYS...

NOTHING IS TRUE!

NOTHING IS NOTHING

AND NOTHING OOZES THROUGH...

dead tired

I feel soooo tired! I'm happy I have a steadier job and a full schedule but I am feeling very tired. I feel like I never even had a vacation... or maybe like I don't even know the concept. lol! The truth is I haven't had a break since I finished college... it's been about 4 years. :x

I also feel like I'm day-dreaming... I still can't believe I am about to start a whole new phase of my life. I'm going to live on my own (well... with my soon-to-be-hubby) and getting a pay-check at the end of every month. Untill now, I never knew when I'd get payed or even if I would get payed... I've been through some tough times... I've been swiming in hardship for so long that I still find it hard to believe my life is finally turning around (for the better). I thank heaven (or whoever rules the universe) for it!

I'm dead tired but happy! :D

A year gone by...

the tree of life

Dear Blog,

It's been a year since I started you. Many things have happened to me... some good, some bad... I guess LIFE happened... and will happen always (thank goodness for that!).

In the past year I've been through some ordeals: I was unemployed for a couple of months... then I got a teaching job but it didn't pay very well and every month was a struggle to pay my bills. I was sad and lonely. I was afraid I wasn't going to make it through this year... I was afraid things would never get better. I met Filipe... we fell in love... we're getting married! :D (Hurray!). I got an awesome job that I enjoy and pays well. I am happy! I am no longer alone nor afraid of what may come. I am living... for the first time in my life i am living my life! :)

random thoughts

"Yours was the first face that I saw... I think I was blind before I met you!" - I heard this in a song today and it stuck with me... All sorts of thoughts and feeling seep in and at the same time nothing at all... a full heart running on an empty mind... a heart that as taken over the body... it overan the brain... there is no thought or reason... only feelings that the heart explodes out into the world. Sometimes the happiness is so overwhelming that I can't help but think if it's all real or just a great "wet" dream... but then he pinches me (eh eh) and I realize it's all real!

I took a new job up north... I'll have to leave him during the week... I'll only be with him on weekends... 3 short days... 2 short nights... even so, blissful! Every sunday I have to leave is murder! And the five days that follow I miss him so much... I can't imagine my life without him anymore... He is part of me now and I him his. Forever... and ever! I can't sleep without him anymore... even though he snores like a night train cutting through a ghost town (lol). I like all the diferent sounds he makes when he snores... :) I love everything about him... I LOVE him! So I guess that "yours was the first face that I saw... I think I was blind before I met you!" applies to me... it's like everyonw I ever met in my life were just hazy or blurry... I couldn't ever actually see into their souls so I never actually saw them for who they really were (or are)... maybe I wasn't meant to... I guess I was meant to see only him... and I see him... I see how beautiful he is. I see how kind and smart he is. I see how he sees me...

end of summer

It's August 25th... 1:31 a.m. and I just realized that summer is coming to an end... I'm about to start a new phase of my life... free from all the madness that kept me in shackles for so many years. I am my own person now. I make my own decisions. Choices are mine to be made. I am confident and feel strong. I will strive and live well. The world is my oyster. I know that even when bad times come (and I am sure they will come) I will be able to deal with it and get through them because I am strong and able. I have him to guide me through. His love makes me feel stronger and capable of anything. :) I am woman... hear me ROAR!

changing the world

When I was 9 years old I thought I could change the world and that when I grew up I would be able to do so. When I was 13 years old I wanted to be treated as an adult and be taken seriously. Somehow I thought that if people saw me as a grown-up that I could finally start changing the world. I thought that respect would help me achieve this. When I was 17 years old I started to think that revolution was the best way to change the world so I rebelled! I thought that being a rebel and fighting for hopeless causes was a good way to change the world. When I was 18 the rebel finally went to college and other people ended up changing my world. They tore it down and left me for dead. I changed nobody's world. When I was 19 years old I reinvented myself and became a bonified party girl. I moved to a new city hoping I could finally change someone's world (because by then I knew I would never be strong enough or important enough to change the WHOLE world). I was filled with hope and... once again... my world got torn down by all the wrong people. After that I lived in seclusion and had no more interest in changing the world... or having my world changed. And now... that I am 31 years old I finally realized that all I lived had a purpose. I had many lessons to learn (still have many to learn yet) but what I've come to know is that I change worlds each day... and my world is changed in that process. My words and actions have an impact on someone, thus changing their world. And by realizing this, my world changes; I become aware and alert to all things surrounding me. I have found a balance. I have found some measure of much deserved and longed for peace. I have found you, at last! And now, the concept I explained above has changed! Because now you are my world... and I don't ever want you to change for me because I love you just the way you are. :)
Love changes everything but nothing will ever change my love...

this summer

António Carmo - O namoro (1988)

Another summer is here... years pass by and you might think things never change... that summer never changes... the heat never changes... but things are never the same. I am older... my thoughts are diferent... my hopes and dreams changed... my goals have changed... my body is changing... The one thing I am sure of is that change is the only thing that never changes... All the people I once knew have changed... The town I grew up in changed... The city I moved to 10 years ago has changed... Nature changes everyday... people die and others are born... And this change is happening all around us and we never take notice or stop to take it all in... we don't respect it... Change never changes... but we are never aware of it. Summer is here once more... I am not the same. I don't care about summer parties anymore. My idea of (summer) fun has changed. The path I took in life brought me to a place I never thought I would ever end up at. It's funny how you plan and plan... and in the end your life never turns out the way you planned. I don't plan anymore... I hope and dream. I hope that things get better (for me and the world) and I dream of a simple and happy life filled with oportunity and happiness. This summer... I am diferent... I see things diferently. I feel diferent. I can feel things diferently. There isn't anymore pain. All the pain I felt in the past has just vanished. And as I look back I don't understand where it came from. I don't understand why I let myself fall so deep into sorrow. I am happy I dug myself out of such a dark hole. And now I enjoy the quiet... I enjoy the silent evenings at home listening to music or watching an old movie. Or just stretching out on the coach with my love... Yes... this summer I have love. I have peace and quiet... and I have love to go along with it. This summer I don't feel like there's a piece of myself missing. I feel whole... complete... The hole I felt inside in the past is now filled. I can close my eyes and whisper his name and it won't hurt... I can close my eyes and smile as he kisses me... I can breathe... I can rest... I can sleep... This summer... there won't be any tears... nor sadness... nor darkness... only love. This is my summer of love. :)

In your arms I am home

You move in me like a wolf cuts through the night. You were able to turn on a warm light in my darkened room. You melted my frozen heart and the blood of hope started pumping again. I started to feel again... feelings I thought were lost forever, feelings I've never known, feelings that will last forever... I feel a strong force pulling me towards you even when we're apart. I feel lost without you... in so little time you've become part of me and when we're apart I feel like I have lost an arm or a leg. Love has crept back into my heart but in a different form and different measure... it's not destructive, nor nervous... it's good and calm and pure... it's real! And it fills me up inside until I overflow with happiness. It's fiery and passionate too. It's huge! Awesome! BIG! It's the center of my universe...

I'm scared... I've never felt like this before... I've never told anyone "I love you!"... and now that I have it frightens me. I know you're afraid too. It's only natural. We've both been hurt but we must learn to set fears aside and let trust settle. I trust you. I love you! I know you'll never hurt me and you should know that I'll never hurt you (I'd rather die first)!

Every trip I take up north every week gets harder and harder to bare. I'm afraid that I won't be able to live without you in times to come... it'll be excruciatingly painful but I think we can survive and make it through. Our love is that strong and it'll live forever because in your arms I am home...

I will never quit you

He dances between the shadows like a leaf blowing in the wind... I watch him with loving eyes and feel at peace. In that moment I travel... I travel but I am standing still... I am here and I am yours. I want to fall asleep in your arms. I see your soul when I look in your eyes while we make love... our names echo across time and space... our bodies melt together into one perfect being. Our minds connect and the spoken word is not needed. Our souls have known each other forever even though we can't remember. Ideas and ideals are unimportant to us... but still we share them in the same measure. There were never two people in this world so good and perfect for each other as you and I are... I feel that fate has brought us together at the perfect time and perfect place. Both our souls called out to one another through the night. I felt broken without you. I hungered for you even when I did not know you. I missed you even before I knew you were real. I dreampt of you every night even though I could not see your face. I felt deep within myself that you were real and that one day I'd find you... and now that I have, nothing else matters... I will fight distance, I will fight the tides, the winds, the storms... I will go to hell and back... but I will never quit you!