One Last Breath

All the little things other people can't see
are what matter the most to me...
My dreams are my own and mine alone
they're where past, present and future are shown
they're where secrets are revealed
and where my fate and yours are sealed...
A passage to another reality,
a way to avoid present misery...
The raven came to me yesterday
but it had little to say
all I know is that all is well
and there's nothing else to tell.
But soon I fear a change is near
still nothing is yet clear...
I can't sleep my heart is pounding
it's sound is loud and deafening
it foretells tears not yet shed
I hear it beating in my head
and it's driving me mad, insane
like rain that wet the floor before it came
like a madness that slowly takes over
making you always look over your shoulder
lost desires come alive in dreams
and you're awakened by your own screams
His voice, his eyes... they haunt me
like all the ghosts that taunt me
like words you know before they're spoken
like love that ends before it's taken...
I pray thee raven pluck it from my heart
because it's breaking me apart
and I can't go on like this anymore
I'm not as strong as I was before.
I am weak and I am weary
I am sad, broken and dreary
I want to lay once in love's fleece
so I can finally die in peace.
For this love I feel I died a thousand deaths
All I want is his kiss as one last breath.

The Raven

I am... well... I guess I don't have words to describe what I'm feeling. I will tell you how I came to be feeling this indescribable feeling. Last night, it was late and I was in bed watching TV. I was trying to fall asleep but couldn't. Got up and went to get some water because I was thirsty. When I walked back into my room I just stood there staring at my desk and at my computer. I turned back on. I went online and started talking to an old friend. I've been enjoying our conversations after a long period of silence. It was past 1 a.m. when we both logged off. I went back to bed but I started crying. I have no idea why. Or maybe I do... I feel alone. I am lonely and fear I'll never find someone who understands me. That is why I sometimes cry myself to sleep. And that's how I fell asleep last night. And this morning I woke up to the sound of a car honking it's awful loud horn and I wanted to kill whoever was driving it. These murderous thoughts are pretty understandable if you are an insomniac like I am. I was in the bathroom when my mom's cousin let herself in with an errand my dad asked her to run. I talked with her for a bit and then she left. I then brewed some coffee and drank it while I was scouring through the web for some juicy news. Got dressed, had lunch and got in my car to drive to work. Passed by some crazy drivers and I got to a point where I had to stop the car because I saw a huge bird flying over and ahead of me and I remember thinking "holy shit! this isn't normal... I must be hallucinating!" and I stopped the car to make sure I was just imagining things. But I wasn't... the huge bird was in fact a raven. I got back on the road and the raven flew ahead of me for a couple of miles and I felt something I never felt before... I felt like I knew everything would be alright which is weird because I feel awkward, helpless and doomed all of the time. But as I looked up at the raven it was like I was staring in it's eye and knew... I just know and this feeling I can't name came over me like I don't have to try so hard anymore. Like it's okay to be myself and not care what other people think. I oddly don't feel like I need other people's validation anymore. I searched online for crow/raven lore and found out that ravens bring new things into one's life or they bring messages or share secrets. How can this one event at this point change my view on life so much? I guess I'm just ready to walk towards other directions. I guess I'm ready to follow, I'm ready to let go and be true to myself. I'm glad the raven flew over me this afternoon... it flew with me... it also set me free.

One More Last Kiss

I stand here wide-eyed
hoping for a sign
wishing for a dream
praying for a gleam
of hope to set in
like the happy grin
I show when you're near
Isn't it so clear?
the way I look at you
and everything you do
makes me shiver
and when you whisper
my name as we part
I wish we were back at the start
I close my damp eyes
and fall in a world of sighs
I would give anything
I would pray, I would sing
I would fall on my knees
I would beg please, oh please
for one more night of bliss
for just one more last kiss...

Random Toughts

I am tired... I've been tired for a long time. Mentally tired. I'm trying real hard to keep my shit together but at times I feel like I'm falling apart. Other times I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. I try not to think too much because I think that's what's wrong with me. I think too much. I have thoughts running around my mind a mile a minute. Like a small chinese country where everyone is talking all at once. Sometimes I can filter some of the voices and I don't like what I "hear". Other times I just shut my brain down. But then I'm bombarded by other senses: I see bright colors dancing all around me. I hear the wind whispering secrets to me. I feel the sun caressing my face. I close my eyes and all these things take over and I cease to exist. It's like I'm slowly turning to ash and the wind is blowing me away and I am high up in the air trying to remember who I was or who I'm suposed to be. I fell like a burning paper doll slowly being scattered through the four corners of the earth. I keep the pain insed me safely tucked away in a small box I created within. I accidently stored all other feelings in there with it and now I feel nothing. You could slap me around and kick me and I wouldn't feel a thing. I'd probably smile and thank you for trying to make me feel. This zombie like state I am that left me completely numb is taking it's toll. When I was younger I'd hurt myself to feel anything. I'd drink until I fell and broke my nose. I'd pink fights with random people. I'd pop painkillers to drown all the screaming voices in my head telling me to stop. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to die. I wanted to die... but I got through all the shit and I'm still here. I am strong but I am weak. I fear that the slightest thing might push some hidden forgotten button in me... I fear I might snap and throw everything away. I sometimes wish I would snap... because then something would be happening. I am so tired of hiding in boredom. But boredom is safe. And safe is how I need to be right now. But still... I dream of letting go and being myself. I am feeling a bit repressed... I have to pretend to be normal all the time. I can't be myself around here. But my heart as been eaten away by "what ifs?". So much so that there aren't any "what ifs?" left and where my heart once beat is now a hollowed out chest. I always felt everything with suck an intensity that it burnt me up whole and left nothing but a pile of ash slowly being blown away by the wind and by people whistling my favorite song. I used up all the feeling I had inside of me. I have nothing left and I can't go back. I can't take it back. I can't hold back. I've paid my debt for all the crazy shit I did and for all the crap I put people through but still life decided I should be this hollowed out vessel just standing around while the whole world passes me by... My body grows old and I feel the aches and pains of aging but I feel nothing inside. I want to cry... like I did that night. I want to smile like I did when I saw you the last time we went out. I want to tremble when my elbow touches yours. I want to be able to sleep 6 hours straight. I want to be able to sleep without any crazy dreams haunting me. I want to forget everything. I want to forget who I was, where I was and what I did. I want to experience everything for the first time and not feel the way I do now... always wondering... always hanging on to old faded memories... always asking myself "what if?".

flipside

I guess this is goodbye
I keep wondering why
why I can't let go
or why I can't show
what I feel inside
thoughts walk side by side
I should be four by four
like I said I was before
But that was just a lie
It was me just getting by
Pretending I was alright
But I was crying through the night
And surely you can see
that you're a freak just like me
Always hiding what you feel
Escaping what is real
But my feelings are awry
they are burning me alive
So I bury them inside
I'll catch you on the flipside...

Until We Meet Again

I lay awake late at night
Wondering if it's alright

to call you up and say
how you made me feel this way

And I pick up the phone
I'm home all alone

But I can't dial your number
so I guess it's really over

I just save these words unsaid
I keep them in my head

to tell you when I can
or until we meet again...

My So-Called Life

I woke up to this sound... a hammering sound. At first I thought it was just another throbbing headache... I tried to go back to sleep but that annoying sound kept picking at my brain. I tossed and turned for a while hoping it would stop... but it didn't. So I turned on my TV and blasted the sound up so I could somehow "forget" all about the sound that was driving me insane. American Dad was on... I fell asleep again. I woke up again to the sound of the opening credits of the show Smallvile. Never was a fan of that show and the opening credits song really sucks balls. I mean... it's the most annoying song ever written! I am thinking about how annoying the song is while I stretch out confy and warm in my bed wishing it was saturday. I get up, pee, brush my teeth, wash my face... I do some push-ups and crunches (not enough to break a sweat though) and hit the shower. I'm still in zombie mode... nothing on my mind. In the shower thoughts start to pour in... and while I close my eyes and get under the shower to wet my hair most of my life flashes before my eyes and an overwhelming feeling of helplessness overcomes me and I just feel like I'm going to break down and cry. But I don't... I taught myself so well not to let my true feelings show that it's like I can't express myself anymore. I want to cry and break things... throw some stuff around and make a big fuss but I've programmed myself all too well. I just open my eyes, lather, rinse... get out of the shower, wipe myself off, put on my robe, shake my hair and go to the kitchen to get coffee. I drag myself back to my bedroom with my cup of coffee and turn on my computer. As I sip my coffee I rummage through the sea of folders looking for the database worksheets I'm giving my students to work on today. I also prepare some cool coloring sheets for my first graders and a nice poem for the third graders to read and copy on the computer. As I sip my coffee and work on these tasks I start to think of how diferent my life would have been if I had just taken that internship in England 15 years ago. I mean... what the hell was a thinking? Then I just tell myself that my life as is was always meant to be... but a part of me is still whispering deep within that our life is consequence of the paths we choose. I just have to live with it... I have to lay in the bed I made for myself. I know it's stupid feeling sorry for myself because my life isn't that bad. I have my son, a job, a home, and family. But I always feel like there's something missing. It's like there's a hole inside me that at some times feels like it burns. It's funny how people miss what they never had. But maybe we're just missing some idealization... maybe a distortion of what really is. My coffee cup is now empty and I'm scowring the web for news and cool stuff I like. I also go on Facebook and check out what's happening. I check my email and ebay. Then I realize it's time for lunch. I get dressed (yes, at this point I'm still in my robe) and blow dry my hair. I get some soup and a sanduich... I gather my things, get in my car and split. As I drive to work I am listening to one of my favorite bands - the Violent Femmes. Blister in the Sun is one of the best songs ever! I'm driving, I light a cigarrete (wishing it was a doobie) and drive downtown smiling wishing I was 17 years old again with my hole life ahead of me. When we're young we always think we're gonna live forever and that we have all the time in the world... but now that I'm 34 years old I have come to the sad conclusion that we are in fact mortal, that we're not going to live forever and we certainly don't have all the time in the world. The truth is we have a very small window of time to get our shit together and our lives on the right track (the rigt track being the choice of the path we want to take). Too bad I had to realize all this too late. Because now it just seems pointless to try to fix shit from my past or try to (re)live situations I know can never be... At this point I'm driving into the school's parking lot at I start to think about the altircation I had with one of my students yesterday. It saddens me that a kid (and a class) with such potential for great things is just throwing it all away for the sake of being a smart-ass. It really pisses me off! And it also worries me. I sometimes stay awake at night wondering what will become of these kids because the world isn't giving out opportunities. How will they make it if even they have no hope at all? It's one thing to have hope and fight for what you want... but it's quite another when you don't even have the will or strenght to fight. It's fighting spirit vs broken spirit. There is no doubt in my mind that the world today is so much more harsh. It chews you up and spits you out over and over again. I park my car and walk to the cafeteria to grab another coffee... right now I need it to give me a much needed "kick" to get though the day. I have my coffee while watching the news and try to block out any thoughts. I just want to enjoy this coffee. I walk to the teacher's lounge and print out the work load for the day. The printer is ONCE AGAIN broken. I just give up and decide to write the whole exercize on the board. The bell rings... my heart races. I give myself this awesome speech in my head and tell myself I need to give it to my students... but when I walk into the classroom the words escape me. And I just start working with them and wwalk them through the exercizes. As I look around the classroom I think back to when I was they're age and in high-school. It sort of feel like I'm time travelling and I see myself looking back at me with that wild-eyed smirk I used to give my teachers. Anti-estabilishment spewing little know it all girl. That's who I was. I... I guess time broke me. And I ended up back at the town I swore never to return to as a teacher. I never wanted to be a teacher. I just sort of fell into it. But surprising enough I'm not that bad at it. I just wish I could infuse these kids with a little more motivation and fight. I would like to close my eyes and hear them say: "we will not go gentle into the nigh, we rage against the dying of the light and we shall win this fight!". But when I close my eyes all I hear is silence. So now the bell rings again and the kids scatter. I remain in my seat. The next class starts to walk in all wide-eyed and ready to get down to business. I love this class. They're really good kids. They always ask questions and do the best they can. And that's all I can ask of them. I just hope the world is merciful and gives them a fighting chance to reach their dreams. I am at my desk and I look around... the class room is so silent today. They're all very much absorved by the database assignment I gave them. But I also see some of them occasionaly checking facebook. What is up with that shit? Why is facebook so addicting? I wish there was someway to block it during class. I guess if it's just for a couple of minutes at a time it's not so bad. I just don't want them to fall into a cyber-world where they disconnect from everything else. Right now I just feel too tired to keep on fighting against that damned facebook! I just walked around the room asking them to turn the stupid thing off and continue the assignment. I have a huge headache and wish I was home. Everyday is the same as the last. Time passes as fast as a snail drags itself around. I see the IM blinking someone is trying to talk to me but I just stare at the blinking IM imagining all types of scenerios. Why would I do that? - you might ask... well... I have many contacts on my contact list but very few people I actually talk to. Which is the same as saying I have no actual friends. My cyber life matches my actual life - friendless, funless, loveless, hopeless. The next 30 minutes will pass excrutiatingly slow as the students struggle to finish today's assignment. I walk around and help them figure out what they didn't quite get. When I am busy with whatever time passes by a lot faster. But... in the other hand... it's not passing by fast enough. It's like I just want my life to be over so I can stop. I am so tired of constantly going through the motions. I just want it stop! One way or another. I just know I can't go on living this zombie-like existence where everyone ignores me and underestimates me. I am tired of people always making me feel like I'm not good enough or smart enough. I am so much better and smart than anyone gives me credit. I know I am. So is it that people feel the need to keep bringing me down? What is so threatening about me that they have to make me feel like crap all the time? The bell will ring soon and I'll be driving up to another school to teach first graders how to use computers. At 5 I'll pick up my kid from yet another school (he's in 5th grade) and we'll be heading home. He'll tell me all about his day and I'll give him advice. When we get home I'll help him with his homework (excep math... I'm no good at math; but he is, so we're golden). Then dinner, then some play time, then getting ready for bed and then sleepy time. I'll toss and turn around for a while. Watch Top Chef and Unsolved Mysteries. Fall asleep watching The Practice. And tomorrow it'll start all over again. By the way... the sound I woke up to was of some construction workers hammering away in my dad's coffee house. He rented it out to my oncle... again! So my miserable existence is about to get unbearable. This is my life.

The Key

I wish I was wet like water
so I could put out this fire
that burns my heart to a blister
to a point I almost expire.

I am not here. I don't exist anymore
I am just waisting air and space
caught in between by ghosts of before
that still wander around this place

they still live in my distorted mind
taunting, showing me what I can't have
and what I yearn and will never find
forever longing for my better half

I have waited for many long years
I have crossed oceans of time
and I've cut through all these tears
for someone that was never mine

I've been here waiting for tomorrow
but I know tomorrow never comes
at my broken door only knocks sorrow
and at his feet my heart succumbs

My thoughts are mine and mine alone
he wonders freely and lives in them
my love a mindless prison has become
and I am happily in there with him.

But these are mere delusions
nothing but dreams to make me smile
they are nothing but sweet illusions
to keep me happy just for a while

Truth and reality are harsh and cold
the real world always spits at me
and as time passes and I grow old
I have this yearning for him to see

The whole world through my eyes
and how much he means to me
no matter how fast time flies
he will always have the key...

Freak

I wish I could say what I feel
and feel what I say
I wish I knew what's real
home is where I lay

and where I lay is a broken home
I am nothing and nothing you see
all the bitterness may come
like it is now before me

nothingness always remains
and sorrow will subside
binding me like chains
stripping me of all pride

pluck this love from my chest
I don't want it anymore
I don't want second best
like I've settled for before

I want to be able to smile again
I want to burst out into song
I want to have more than one friend
I want to feel like I belong...

Then I'd be normal like you
I would no longer be a freak
I'd know what to say or do
and I'd be someone to keep.

But I am that lonely freak
living my life without a clue
I never want to stand and speak
Because all I think of is you.

In Dreams

All the pretty colors
floating in my head
like whispers of others
that live far ahead

drug induced numbness
doesn't hide the pain
of failed happiness
that I relive once again

and with damp eyes
I wake each day
envying other lives
and words I want to say

In dreams I get caught
emprisoned by silent screams
fighting ghosts I've fought
once before in other dreams

but dreams become nightmares
and everything seems useless
you work through all the dares
only to realize life became pointless

then you slowly awake
and with eyes wide open
you feel like a big fake
you feel like you're broken

You sit still for a while
even though you're aching
you wish you could smile
but inside you're breaking

And in dreams you fall
sucked in to another world
where you're never small
and you have a soul...

Maybe this one time
you'll fight the nightmare
your smile will shine
and he'll actually care...