domingo, 21 de abril de 2019

For M.

I see galaxies in your eyes
I can hear you call from miles away
We are lovers and we are allies
We are partners and no longer prey

We are soulmates bound
By happiness and love
I have waited so long to be found
By an angel from the heavens above.

Now I live in a deep world of sighs
And forever is not to far away
There will no no goodbyes
We’ll be together come what may.




terça-feira, 16 de abril de 2019

It could’ve been better this time around

I no longer smell you on my pillow
I don’t even smile when I’m thinking of you
And I don’t want to look out of my window
Because I know I won’t be feeling blue

I can’t even hear my favorite love song
And I feel like I no longer need you.
everything I thought right is now wrong
I don’t feel like there’s anything to do.

Dwelling in the past takes you further from the light
Forcing something that was never right
Is never what anyone should do
I know I’m right I hope you know this too.

Tell me that you hate me, tell me that I’m no good
And I’ll be gone.

Tell me that you don’t want me, tell me you don’t need me
And I’ll move on.

domingo, 14 de abril de 2019

A string of “what ifs”

It’s quiet now. The crowds that once lived in my head and made it impossible to function at times have died out. I fear that they might come back at any minute though. Have they really gone? Will I now be able to be happy and not want to drown their voices in alcohol or sleeping pills? I look forward to the next day but always look over my shoulder wondering when they’ll be back to make my life a living hell once more. 

Years ago I ran... I pushed you away and ran. I wanted to punish you for loving me. I wanted to punish myself for existing. I regret it every single day of my now normal life. I can’t stop myself from wondering what might’ve been. I don’t want to wonder about that anymore. When you knew me I was far gone and pretty much numb all the time. I was either high or drunk or both... I don’t remember the “good times” that you remember. I don’t remember anything. That time is a blur. All I remember is the pain and wanting to die. I didn’t die though and I am happy I made it through. I can now live a quiet uneventful life. My restless soul has finally settled down and I can now focus on myself and on living my best life. I wish I could build new meaningful memories with you that would echo throughly time. I don’t think that will happen though. And that’s okay. Just know that I will always think of you fondly and once in a while I’ll still think “what if”. And I’ll smile and feel warm in that fantasy for a few minutes and then I’ll go back to my routine for what is life if not a string of “what if’s”?

sexta-feira, 8 de fevereiro de 2019

Dear David

Dear David,

I think of you often and you’re the person I want to tell all the good things that happen to me first. And the bad ones too. But you really never listened. You were always so eagerly waiting for your time to speak and for me to listen. And I listened... and I tried to help. I don’t think I could though because you wouldn’t listen. And so I stopped listening too. You drifted away and I tried for that not to happen, but eventually I gave up. Still, I miss talking to you even though you don’t really listen.

I got promoted at work a few weeks ago. I wanted to tell you all about and share how excited and scared I am... but I deleted your number. I didn’t want to bother you anymore. I felt like I was a burden. Also, you were avoiding me and ditching my calls. I ripped off the band-aid. Odd enough, I felt free. But I still miss you.

Raw

I’m emotionally charged
My feeling are raw.
I want to love someone
But I don’t love myself.
How can I love someone else
If I don’t even love myself?
Sometimes I just wonder 

If I’ll ever love at all.

Yesterday

Yesterday I came home and I cried...
I was so happy! I went to work and loved every minute! I got home and I saw on Facebook that Steven Tyler opened a home for abused children. And this hockey player went out of his way for a tiny human... I felt like there’s still some good in the world. And there’s always hope. And no one can take hope away from anyone!

sexta-feira, 28 de dezembro de 2018

Untitled

I am his but he’s not mine
He belongs to Father Time.
Father Time will never own me
For I belong to Mother Rhyme.

I lived a thousand lives,
Crossed oceans of time
Just to be with you again.
We are but grains of sand

But for this day only we remain.
I quench my thirst with your sweet kiss
On this day, only our two souls exist

In perfect bliss and absent of pain.

sábado, 22 de dezembro de 2018

All I wanted

I wanted you to love me
Like you used to.
I wanted to be enough
For you.
I wanted to stir passion
Like I did before.
I wanted you to want
Even more.

But you look away
Don’t listen to what I say
You yawn and sigh
And all I do is cry
Because all you do is lie
Now I just want to die.

I wanted you to kiss me
Like the first time we kissed
I wanted you to miss me
All I wanted was to be missed.
I wanted you to hold me
Like you used to
I want to bring out 
The best in you.

But you just let go
There’s nothing left to show
Of all the moments we had
And that just makes me sad
Because you don’t see me
Like you used to think of me
I’m no longer who I used to be
I’m just the girl you want to set free.

How could you?

This used to be my house.
This used to be our house
The walls, the floors, the halls
The shelves so tall,
They whisper secrets
And tell the truth 

Now I walk these halls
And stomp the floors
Scratching the walls
Cursing the shelves that were so tall
Remembering our secrets
How could you?

This is not my house!
This was my living hell!
The music box still ringing in my ear
It echoes sordid secrets that you feared
Now that you’re gone everything is all too clear
I freeze every time I think back to when you called me “dear”.

Your darkness weighed on me every night
I closed my eyes so you’d be outta sight
I silently cried and prayed with all my might
You crossed my threshold, snuffed out my light
How could you?

I’m not the same girl that I used to be
I can close the door on those bad memories
How could no one ever see
The music box and what it did to me?
I’m not the same girl I used to be
I closed the lid on your music box

Now you’re gone and finally the music stopped...

domingo, 25 de novembro de 2018

I deserve better

I’ve finally deleted your number from my phone - demon exorcized!

It’s funny how it took me this long to do so. But I did it and I’m super proud of myself. Another step forward, another step in the right direction. A tiny detour towards happiness. I’ve been down the road to misery for so long I’ve forgotten who I am and how to be. I kept pushing everyone away because I thought I didn’t deserve to have friends, or love or even happiness.

I always thought of myself as someone who’d didn’t deserve to be here, who didn’t deserve to live. And I questioned myself and whatever higher being sent me here why did I exist? What was the point? I still don’t know what my purpose is. I don’t think any of us ever know that until the very end when life flashed before our eyes before we die, and sometimes, not even then. 


But I now feel deserving. I deserve a life, friends, happiness. I deserve to wake up next to someone who makes me smile. I deserve better than you. I always did...