segunda-feira, 25 de julho de 2016

And I dream...

There are no words known to human kind worthy to describe what I feel. There is only "I love you". Simple, real, straight to the point, true. Everything else I could say would simply be a waist of breath. He knows when I'm about to say it and beats me to it. I smile... then I giggle. But I still say it. Then I fall asleep. Everything else in the world peels away like the burnt skin that starts to peel off when you get a very bad sunburn and there's nothing left but the two of us, in that moment. And I dream...

domingo, 24 de julho de 2016


It's been a while since I last wrote. Not a long while, but still a while. I no longer know how to sleep without him. If he goes to bed late, or if he goes out and comes in when I'm already in bed, I can't sleep. I'm not awake, but I'm not sleeping either. I'm in this state of stasis or in some sort of limbo waiting for him to come to bed. When I feel his touch in the dark, I smile. He can't see me, but I smile. His soft touch is like a long awaited homecoming and I burst with happiness. We make love and fall asleep. And it's the happiest I've ever felt or ever been. He is the love of my life. I never thought I would ever in my entire life feel this way. I never thought a person could ever feel this way. I've never known this kind of love. 

As I'm sitting here now writing this brief post he is playing his video games and I am looking at him just imagining what our lives together will be like. I can see myself growing old with him surrounded by our children and grandchildren, holding hands, finishing each other's sentences, and him smacking my ass while I cook dinner... I just closed my eyes and smiled. 

For once in my life there is no past. I don't even remember what happened or what I've been through. I don't care. All I can see now is the future. That's all that matter. The sound of his voice soothes me when I am stressed over work. The way he whispers "I love you" before we go to sleep makes me feel like I deserve to be loved. And I am so grateful and lucky to be loved by him and I love him back so much. 

The time I spend away from him, which is a couple of hours at most (because I can't bare to sleep without him, I don't even want to try) feels like months have passed by. They are the most excruciating pain I can bare, almost hard to endure. When I get back home and I see him, I through my arms around him and kiss him passionately. I... I don't think I can live without him anymore. 

Everything about the song "Somebody" by Depeche Mode applies. What the song describes fits my current reality. And it's bliss!

After years of writing sadness and melancholy and torment I am now writing love and happiness and bliss. What a change! What a wonderful change.

quarta-feira, 8 de junho de 2016

I love him

I am so in love with him
I die.
When I see him
I sigh.
If I'm not with him
I cry.
I am so deep in love with him
Again, I die.

quarta-feira, 18 de maio de 2016

such a perfect day

Today was our first date. He showed me some of the most beautiful spots at his city. He told me about why he loved those places and how he liked going there to reminisce the work he put into some of his projects and how his eyes lit up and how he smiled while he told me all about it. Beautiful. I felt his words wrap around me like a warm blanket on a cold winters day. I was lost in him and could not utter a word. I was in absolut awe of him. I never imagined such a person existed and he was sharing his day with me.

When he brushed the hair away from my face and kissed me I closed my eyes and I saw all these beautiful bright colors and I felt weak in the knees. I've never experienced something like this. I don't know if it was the sun shining down on us that made me see all those vibrant colors and it was scary and wonderful all at once. I smiled. I was perfectly happy. And as I lay here in bed writing this I can't wait to see him again. I close my eyes and I can still feel his soft lips on mine, his strong embrace, his breath on my neck, his gentle touch... It was such a perfect day. I'm glad I spent it with you...

terça-feira, 17 de maio de 2016

The waiting is the hardest part

Right now I'm at hospital for some routine checkups. I've been here for two hours and so far I've been poked with needles, gotten that nasty-ass jelly rubbed all over me for ecos and now I'm waiting to see one of the doctors. I'm so bored! Even in the era of technology there's nothing that can keep me distracted because I'm already distracted by something (or might I say someone) else. I can't stop thinking about him and it's driving me insane! I want to play it cool and just act "meh..." but I am sitting here and all I can think of is his smile and his deep dark eyes. Oh, how I get lost in his eyes... Sitting in this waiting room is boring as heck but waiting for the next time I'll see him is harder. It feels like time is taking forever to pass by. And it's weird because I know next time I see him time will fly me by. Are these feelings all just some sort of spring fever? Some much think so but a couple of springs have passed and I suffered no such feverish delusions as I am suffering now. Maybe it's all a dream. I can't tell yet. I just know that the waiting I the hardest part.

domingo, 15 de maio de 2016

Part of a whole

I've been trying so hard to write anything relevant or remotely interesting but I haven't had anything much to say. This past year has been uneventful. I am the same. I feel the same. I go to work, I put in my time and I come home. And it's been that way day in, day out. I've been really sick these past two months. Tonsillitis. Three rounds of antibiotics did nothing to improve my condition and so we topped it off with penicillin shots. I seem better now but every time I feel a small tingle in my throat I get scared to death I'm getting sick again. The time I spent home sick felt like some sort of feverish dream. Some nights I would wake up in a cold sweat but I could not remember what my nightmares were. Other nights I would wake up crying because it felt like I was drowning in sadness. But most nights I would just lie awake waiting for sleep to take me under wondering if that night I would have peace in my dreams. Night after night, my dreams slowly transformed into intricate works of art.The darkness was overcome by wonderful vibrant colors. The monsters replaced by fantastical creatures. The sadness replaced by joy. I soon realized that I felt more alive in my dreams than I did in real life and I found myself always longing for sleep so I could escape back into my dream world. But that's not living. It's fear of living. It's hiding out in fantasy. It's turning inwards for solace instead of owning life and living it for what it is: filled with pain but also joy. So I decided to get back to the world of the living. Little by little. I got a gym membership. I go out. I am trying to step out of my comfort zone. I have opened my heart once more even though I thought I would never love again. And I am scared to death. I am so scared of falling in love but also excited because the truth is that falling in love makes us feel more alive than ever. Makes us feel a part of a whole. And I have been missing a half for way too long...

terça-feira, 15 de dezembro de 2015

Random thoughts

I don't recognize myself anymore. I feel like the person I was 20 years ago has completely disappeared. I didn't quite like the person I was before but I keep being told that person was way more fun than the person I am now. But the person I am now is who I always wanted to be. The person I was before was always surrounded by drama and always had this urgent need of being in relationships - destructive relationships. The person I was before was self-destructive, mean, confused, rebellious and hateful. Odd enough, the person I was before was quite luckier than the person I am now - I had more friends, a more active social life. Today, all I want to do is sleep and maybe cuddle with someone. I don't want all the "perks" that come with an active social life - I don't care about going out, making friends or treating other people cruelly and play with their feelings. I was a real bitch. I regret a lot of the shit I did to other people and some of the choices I made along the way. But in the end, I got to where I wanted to be. I'm a solid person. Even though my shit's not in order, I know who I am and I'm not confused about stuff anymore. I know what I want. I want peace and quiet. Having fun isn't going to loud places and having a thousand friends. You can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. Having fun is doing stuff that puts a smile on your face and not do stuff because you feel obliged or you feel like other people expect you to do it. Being yourself is the most freedom you'll ever experience, so don't let other people expectations transform you. You don't have to be what other people want you to be, you can be yourself. There will always be someone out there that will love you for it. I know, I know... no one is in love with me. But give it time. It may happen, if I let it.

On the topic of love and falling in love... I've thought long and hard about it and I find it odd how so many people in the world have a relationship and act like their married. Boyfriend... Girlfriend. Why do people think those are the same as Husband or Wife? I don't get it. The so-called "friends with benefits" is what I think a relationship should be. Don't get all up in each other's business. Relax! Chill... you don't have to be like conjoined twins. You are two people! Live your own lives and come together when it suits both of you. Whoever you may be. I feel like I'm handing out advice now. But not really. I'm just getting my thoughts in order.

If your heart is broken or if you fear getting your heart broken - it will happen many times throughout your life. Fear will cripple the whole experience. The more you fear getting your heart broken the more toxic the connection will be and then it surely will end in tears. Keep in mind that nothing is forever. Even your own life has an end. Seasons end. Everything changes. The one thing that never changes it's change itself. Let yourself feel everything and enjoy every minute of it. Life is short.

So... in the end, whatever comes your way be sure and confident - you can handle it. 


segunda-feira, 14 de dezembro de 2015

The Saddest Girl in the World

Tonight I'll cry myself to sleep
Because my soul is his to keep
and before I am hallow as a shell
I must forget that I have lived well
Because holding  such memories
so vivid within that everyone sees
might make it harder for one
to let go and come undone
for even someone as fair as him.
And for a split second secrets dim
I'm wrapped around his finger
I want to leave but I always linger
I'm the saddest girl in the world,
the saddest girl without a soul.
My crystal clear sad eyes
are empty behind all these sighs
reckless, helpless, young and numb
fearless, hopeless, young and dumb
empty, sad, afraid and all alone
hardly alive, heart hardened to stone
by him, by the world, by the universe
unable to push through and disperse
all these thoughts I wish to un-think.
erase, go back, and run back to me
be kind, rewind, and I'll make you see
that what's to come is so much better
than what came before.