quinta-feira, 9 de novembro de 2017


Thinking about what is and what could be is pointless. You just have to close your eyes and breathe. Breathe in, breathe out. Open your eyes. Kiss him. Hope he feels the same. The "now" is all that's left. There's no past. Don't even dare think about it. Forget about the future... thinking too much of the future might ruin the "now". The "now" is the most important time of your life! Live the now. Tell someone you love them. Kiss that someone. Try some new food you've never eaten. Get drunk. Go to work hungover. Maybe stay in bed with that special someone and not go to work at all. Bring someone breakfast in bed. Make someone feel like their the most important person in your world. Kiss them. Kiss them again. Look at them as if it were the first them you ever saw them. Kiss them over and over. Make love to them. If they leave and never speak to you again, cry. Cry some more. But live! Live, damn it! Stop being afraid! Tell them how you feel. Tell them NOW!

Judging Books By Their Covers

"Judging Books By Their Covers" - Keaton Henson

I know I may be lean,
Uncomfortable being seen,
But I feel like I am just what you need.
All my body's thin,
I don't let anyone in,
But I can't help but let this begin.
And though I may seem cold,
And I feel I'm growing old,
I wish that you would just come home.

Cause I'm tired of feeling alone.
Please tell me how to let go.

Love, I know you're doing fine,
Your chapters end so well.
And love, I love your welling eyes,
You seem happy, I can tell.
Love I know you'll be alright,
But I can't help but feel sorry.
Cause love, your book will end just fine,
But I am a different story.
I am a different story.

I know I am a mess, and I love most people less,
But I miss the feel of your summer dress.
And this all may be weird,
I can feel you are not near,
But please baby, just come back here.
Please baby just come back here.

Love I know you'll be alright,
Your chapters end so well.
Love I love your welling eyes,
You're happy I can tell,
Love I know you're doing fine,
But I can't help but feel sorry,
Cause love, your tale will end just fine,
But mine is a different story.
Mine is a different story.

Try and get enough sleep...

How to meet with Death...

quarta-feira, 25 de outubro de 2017

Dreaming of better days

The day is starting and I was just hit with this overwhelming feeling of how huge the world is... and I'm sitting here in my tiny cubicle thinking of how much of the world I've never seen and most likely will never see during my lifetime. It's both amazing and sad. When I was younger I thought my life would have some impact on the world but so far, I'm 40 years old and I'm just a speck of dust flying through the air trying to find a place I fit in so I can finally rest. It's been so long and I still feel at odds with myself. I still don't know where I fit in to. I still feel awkward in social situations. I'm still that strange little girl who talks to herself and daydreams about impossible things. When I was a young girl I always though anything was possible and that if I tried hard enough I could do anything, even the impossible. Now that I'm older, much older, I know better. I miss that naive little girl that would roam the countryside looking for crickets and who brought home every stray cat she'd encounter along the way. The little girl who'd scrape her knees and come home crying. I would always want a comforting word from my dad but he was never there. My mom was always way too hard on me. She still is. I spent my entire life angry at my parents for never being there for me, so I just rebelled and did a lot of shit I regret. My adolescence was very hard on me as I did not have anyone around to help me through it or navigate trouble. And now I'm this sordid version of that awkward little girl, always dreaming of better days...

I've read somewhere, that one can't start the next chapter of life if one keeps re-reading the last one. And as I think about it now, I've been re-reading the last chapters of my life for way to long. It's time to turn the page and let new beginnings flow. But will they be better days? I'm not sure they will. All I can do is hope for the best and have faith that they will be better. In retrospect, I don't think I'll ever know the sorrow I've known and had for a companion for a better part of my life. But you never know... sometimes the universe is not done punching you in the face!

Not Dark Yet

Not Dark Yet

Shadows are falling and I’ve been here all day
It’s too hot to sleep, time is running away
Feel like my soul has turned into steel
I’ve still got the scars that the sun didn’t heal
There’s not even room enough to be anywhere
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there

Well, my sense of humanity has gone down the drain
Behind every beautiful thing there’s been some kind of pain
She wrote me a letter and she wrote it so kind
She put down in writing what was in her mind
I just don’t see why I should even care
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there

Well, I’ve been to London and I’ve been to gay Paree
I’ve followed the river and I got to the sea
I’ve been down on the bottom of a world full of lies
I ain’t looking for nothing in anyone’s eyes
Sometimes my burden seems more than I can bear
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there

I was born here and I’ll die here against my will
I know it looks like I’m moving, but I’m standing still
Every nerve in my body is so vacant and numb
I can’t even remember what it was I came here to get away from
Don’t even hear a murmur of a prayer
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there
Copyright © 1997 by Special Rider Music

quinta-feira, 19 de outubro de 2017


Veruca Salt - Disconnected

Disconnected, it's the way that I wanted it to be
The Cult Electric is my favorite record of the week
Cause I'm not feeling sweet

But I can't say that, when everyone is so judgmental
And I can't play back, all the times when you were gentle
Cause even you can't be true

It's astounding what love can do to a city
Laurel Canyon was the best place for you and me to be
I chose the curtains and I dreamed a dream of domesticity
What a freak you made of me

Now I'm on Zoloft, because you told me I was crazy
And I won't jump, cause now I know you'd never catch me
And I can't leave you, because you swore you'd never let me
But even you talk shit too

It's January when I jumped the fence of your backyard
Finish the fairy tale that you were drunk enough to start
It's kind of scary when your lover leaves you for a movie star
And I'm still in the dark

But you have trained me, to watch my back and drop my standards
And you have shamed me, since the first time you were with her
And you cant make me, love your band or buy your records
Cause you have tainted, my respect for your adventures

And you will never have the chance to trace my features (it's kind of scary when your lover leaves you)
And you will never make me feel like such a loser (it's kind of scary when your lover leaves you)
And you can have the past 'cause I'm in love with the future (it's kind of scary when your lover leaves you)

I'm in love with the future (it's kind of scary when your lover leaves you)

And I have met a boy who makes you look so shallow (it's kind of scary when your lover leaves you) (I'm in love with the future)
And there is so much time and so much space to travel (it's kind of scary when your lover leaves you) (I'm in love with the future)
And I will make the climb and I will kiss the gravel (it's kind of scary when your lover leaves you) (I'm in love with the future)

(Touch the sky) (It's kinda scary)
And I will kiss the gravel (I'm in love with the future)

(Touch the sky) (It's kinda scary)
And I will kiss the gravel

I'll touch the sky
I'll touch the sky
Watch me, watch me
I'll touch the sky
I'll touch
The sky, the sky.

quinta-feira, 12 de outubro de 2017

The Sky Is a Neighborhood

Foo Fighters - The sky is a neighborhood

rough sleepless nights

I currently hold a rosary of rough sleepless nights. I wake up in a sweat. I wake up with my body bruised. I wake up and vomit. I wake up and can't sleep anymore. I have nightmares and wake up. I wake up with a fever. So many lonely nights slowly sinking in a sea of salty tears.

Cheap wine and cigarettes don't make it all better anymore. The drugs don't work anymore. The voices in my head are slowly forsaking me. I don't know if that means I'm getting better or if I'm just so toxic even imaginary voices and hallucinations avoid me.

And I'm so tired. So, so tired. I think if I went to bed now I'd sleep for days. I can't wait for the weekend to come. I believe I shall remain in bed the whole weekend. But knowing me, I think I'll run up north to the comfort of my old room in my parents' house. Everything feels so much better there. It feels warm and inviting. Where I live now it's cold and bare. I don't belong in that house. I do believe it's haunted. I need to look for a new place to live.

The only comfort there is Azazel, the feral cat that comes over for a meal. I feed him kitty treats which I buy at the local supermarket. He let's me sit near him but won't let me touch him. I so wish I could pet him. I feel like I need a furry companion. But the "no pets allowed" rule prevents me from having a furry soulmate. It's sad... I pay so much money for rent and I can't even have a pet. Or take a decent shower. Or cook a decent meal. Or feel at home. I feel like I'm living in one of those run-down sleazy motels. I hate that place with a passion. But finding a nice suitable place to live in here in Porto is like searching for the perfect man. It's damn near impossible! I'm so frustrated. I just want to live somewhere quiet, with decent water pressure and a stove which will cook my food in a timely manner.

I'm sleepy. I can't wait for the day to be done so I can go back to that hell-hole and crash... Maybe this night it'll be different.

quarta-feira, 11 de outubro de 2017

Look at you now

Joe Purdy - Look at you now

"... you used to have such a pretty little smile..."