Goodbye

It's not late. I spent the whole weekend sick. To regular people it would appear I have the flu. But I know it's only heartache. I have a disease I can't cure. No amount of pills or booze can begin to make me forget or feel nothing. I wish I felt nothing. I wish I could block everything inside of me. I have a rage brewing that I fear might explode into madness. I don't want to lose all reason. I have nothing left but my mind. Sometimes I look back and realize that people always thought I was crazy or stupid. But what they don't know is that I am quite an inteligent person. I just dumb myself down so I don't end up being a target of... well... whatever evil shit these awful people can think up. But still I feel they're piercing fiery eyes upon me and I hear their spiteful words being whispered behind my back. And it hurts. I try not to let it affect me but it really does. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night wondering why I feel so wretched. I have nothing. My family hates me, I have no significant other, no friends to hang with... the music in me has faded away as well as my looks. I am just one big fat mess. A shadow. I've spent all my life trying to figure out who I am. I haven't figured it out yet. I'm not who I dreamed and I'm not who I wanted to be. I'm not who they want me to be. And I'm not who I should be. Who am I really? Who am I? I've searched high and low for a purpose trying to find myself along the way. But I found nothing. No purpose. No sense of self. Nothing... just this emptiness and silence that seem to widen the hole I have inside of me. I've lost something I never had. I miss what I never knew. I wish I could just lay in my bed and sleep. I can't remember my smile. I can't remember the sound of my own laughter. And I can't remember the last time I felt happy and safe. I feel like I am lost in some sort of neverending winter and I can't find my way towards spring. I know people say that there is someone out there for everybody. But maybe fate forgot me. Maybe I'm not meant for happiness. Maybe I'm not meant to make my way home. I am broken inside desperately hoping for a second chance but I fear I'm snowed in by thoughts of the past I can't seem to let go of. I wish I could just erase them. I feel tormented. If I open my eyes and look will there be someone there to love me? I think that tomorrow is another day... maybe it'll be the day I let go of the past and move on. I'll say my goodbyes now. I never had a chance to say it. I never had to explain because you know. You've always know. I guess you just never cared and I respect that. But now I have to go. I have to move forward and leave you behind. I'll always love you. I'll always miss you. I just can't do this sleepwalking dance anymore. So this is goodbye...