Bored on a train...

painting by Frida Kahlo

I've been pretty out of it this past week... I've found out some things... well... I had a bit of drama in my life these past weeks that made me realize a number of things about myself... and my life. I realized that I've made some (really) bad decisions, bad choices that I can't take back. I can learn from my mistakes (and how I did learn!) and try to move on. I'm trying to figure out the equation for happiness... but it's a bitch! It's really hard! And I've always been terrible at math... I've always functioned on a trial by error basis but it hasn't been working very well... I guess I'll have to go back to the drawing board... start all over. I need a fresh perspective. I really need a vacation! I need to get away from this mind-crippling routine... My mind is tired... so tired that I keep making all these bad choices! I date the wrong person over and over again... I let myself get destroyed over and over again because I keep letting myself ease in to stupid situations that have no hope of ever developing into something... well... what is it they call it? "more"? Yeah... that's it... into something more. Maybe, in my subconcious mind, that's really what I'm aiming for - nothing! It's no big deal, though... because now that I've figured out I've been sabotaging myself I can now actually lay back and think more about all this shit... and try to make the right decisions. :) It's a step forward, I guess... hopefully... I'll wait and see. I guess I was always to scared of being alone... or dying alone... maybe I was just lonely. Or maybe it was all of those... Maybe I'm just an idiot! Or maybe I'm just terribly bored... The truth is... I don't actually feel "blue" that it was all a big fat LIE... I'm actually pretty angry and mortified for letting myself fall into such a bad situation... I'm smarter than that... anyway... that's all I'm feeling right now... and, like I said... it's back to the drawing board... Right now, the only thing that worries me is: "can I actually feel anything anymore?". And I ask myself this because I dismiss all this "crap" that would usually make a pretty nasty dent on any normal person and... on myself... it hardly even bothered me... it made me feel sick, of course... but it didn't make me cry or die of a broken heart... maybe I'm somewhat of an emotional ironman (in my case, ironwoman). I guess my heart has been broken so many times that I don't have one to break anymore... I still don't know if it's a good or a bad thing... Maybe it's bad, I guess. I feel like I reinvented myself so many times I lost myself in the darkness... I don't know who I am anymore... I only know the small stuff: I like pasta, chocolate, I play the guitar and sing, I write some poetry, I like jackson pollock and van gogh, I love led zeppelin and linda perry, love horror movies and I love my friends and family. That's pretty much what's consistent in my life... And now I found myself thinking "Do I actually need more?"... Maybe not... but the truth about humanity is that we're never happy with whatever it is we have... we always want more.