Ramblings of a mid-thirty year old mind

I really feel like crap today. In fact I feel like I might loose it at any moment. I am depressed, mad at the world... I'm broken and minutes away from a sea of tears. I cried myself to sleep last night. The night before I woke up screaming and could hardly fall back asleep. My life is slowly killing me. I am numb... detached... yet I feel everything. It's unbearable! I'm in my mid-30's but my eyes reveal an ageless soul. Words eco in my head and the ambulance lights flicker behind my eyes keeping me awake every night waiting for the words that will send a surge of pain through all the cells of my body. The ambulance lights that flicker the brightest blue in the deadliest of silences haunt me every night since... My chest weighs heavy with grief for a person that once could articulate my name in such a manner I always took for granted... now I long to hear my name flow like that from those sickly incoerent lips. My aunt... she was always a lively, righteous and tough lady. She made me laugh and she also made me cry. She laughed and cried with me. She brought me to my senses when I needed someone to talk sense in to me. Now she can't even say my name and I don't think she recognizes me most of the times. I can hardly take it seeing her this way and mostly I have to bite my lip before I go in to her house for a visit. A bite on the lip to give me courage and to hold in the pain. A bite on the lip to keep me focused on a "happy" visit... It's been a couple of years since she had her first stroke. I watched as an evil bitch of a person (forgive me... I can't call her a "woman" nor do I want to use the RIGHT words for what she is because they might offend the most and least religious of the readers) wormed her way in to her house hoping to take over everything. This person will surely go to hell for what she's been putting a sick old lady through... I have no power to help her. I am only the niece... I can only keep a watchful eye and many times I had to run down the stairs of my house because I hear her screaming her head off! It's driving me insane! If it happens once more I swear I'm going to lose it and kick the living shit out of her designated "care-giver". Such an evil person is hard to imagine but I tell you this person is the most foul of human-beings! She is a liar, a thief, a scheaming bitch, she talks bad about everyone, she has the foulest mouth in all the history of the world!, she treats her children (and husband... and anyone else) like shit, she treats her own mother like crap!, she waists all her money on voodoo priests and such shit to hurt people (doesn't matter who... if she is jealous of some sort of accomplishment you've gotten you can rest assured that she's going to her voodoo priest to bring you down), and it's a neverending list of evil deeds and traits that I don't really want to get in to. Enough about that cow. If there is a higher being, a God, looking over us and if there is such thing as "karma" or whatever word you want to give it, she will surely get hers. As will I. And everyone else. So think before you act, people. Because sooner or later it'll come back to bite you in the ass! Although I can't imagine what evil deed my aunt ever did to deserve such an awful fate. I think I'd rather be dead than living with that person. I would actually do everything in my power to comit suicide and I'd leave a note, or some sort of record, to let everyone know that it wasn't in fact suicide but murder! Because she had driven me to it. That's what I'd do... I'd go to hell, of course, but I'd whistle my whole way down there with the biggest smile on my face! Of course I wouldn't actually do any of those things... but I do like to let my imagination run wild. Sometimes it even runs with scissors! Just the fact that I'm writting all these random thoughts is already helping me... I don't have any chest pains right now. I guess I just needed an outlet for all this bottled up anger I have inside. And you should know that it's plenty! Things at work suck balls, my family-life is far from perfect, I have no social life, my health isn't the best either, haven't won the lotto yet... and I just lost my train of thought. :) It happens when you just ramble.