Absence of Sins

Forgive me, Bloggers, for I HAVEN'T sinned... It's been 5 days since my last post.

All's normal... All's quiet.... So quiet that it makes me think that something extraordinary is about to happen. I just hope it's nothing that'll knock me over and push my face further into dirt. Sometimes I feel like somebody took a knife and stabbed it directly into my heart, slicing my soul into a thousand pieces that scatter through the air above my broken body...

My life has been all about work lately... I've been travelling between Coimbra and Viana do Castelo... every week... I took the train these last couple of times and it has given me a chance to reflect about my life... and what I want... and what I wanted and never got... I think about friends I had and now are gone... friends I had and now pretend I don't exist... friends that remain... and new friends I'm still getting to know. Friends come and go... friends change and start to see you diferently... friends hurt... love... ignore... help... and sometimes they just fuck you up and stabb you in the back. I've had all of the described above... friends from the past sort of shaped my future... even if they don't agree... I can safely say that some of my bad decisions were taken under the influence of some bad "friends". No matter now... all's well that ends well.

I moved on... I look forward. I'm not ashamed of the person I became. I am a good person! I feel hurt, pain, love, passiom just like you... like everyone else... I am human... And because I am human I also make mistakes... everybody does. But forgiveness... forgiveness is hard to come by... It's hard to forgive... and it's hard to be forgiven. But I forgive, nonetheless... and I long to be forgiven. To all those I hurt (unwillingly or without reason) in the past: I am sorry and hope you can forgive me. But I am not sorry for who I am... not by a longshot. And I will not apologize to those who made my life hell when I tried to stand on my own (yes, bitches, you know who you are).

Tomorrow I am off to Aveiro (again). I get too depressed and paranoid up here. I'll be in my room, secretly calling out your name. I'll close my eyes and I'll see you... like so many times before. One of these days... you'll come and kill this paranoid soul that lives inside of me. :)