Good Advice...

Laugh as much as you breathe & Love as long as you live...

Everything is Illuminated... still smiling!

I was watching the movie "Everything is Illuminated" today for like the nth time and only today it hit me... the thing Alex writes to Jonathan telling him how everything is illuminated by our past and that is what connects them... that small piece of wisdom touched me. I guess you might say I was illuminated by it. Something just lit up inside me and I knew. I don't quite know what it is exactly that I know... but I know. I know what he meant about the past illuminating our present and our future and how it connects us all. What I did, say, felt and experienced in my past made me who I am today thus affecting everyone who I come in contact with. But what about how people perceive each other? Does that come into the equation? I would have to say that it does... the way people see me affects their interaction with me. So I guess that's why sometimes I act a bit like a mumbling idiot so that the people that I should stear clear of leave me alone and not include me in their daily bashing habits. You see... I live in a small town where everyone likes to talk smack about everyone. This saddens me. Why should people waist precious time talking bullshit about each other? Shouldn't they focus on what really matters? Like their fucking jobs? Why would they criticize everyone else's going ons when they themselves are doing a shitty job? I cant understand this... Why are people so mean? Why can't they just live and let live? I guess some people like to feel like they're the center of attention. Some people need all the drama they are used to see on TV during their soap operas. This town is sooooooooo frustrating! The people here are mean and devious and they only talk to you if they want or need something from you. The mountains are nice and the fresh air is good but the weather sucks and I miss the sea. I miss the sea so much! Figures the world crisis would fuck up my life. LOL! At least my sense of humour is intact! You can take away everything from me... except my sense of humour and of course my soul. I will always prevail! So screw you Universe! Screw you destiny! I'm still smiling!

Last day of the month

Today is the last day of February... I don't quite know why but I am feeling a bit restless. The weather is kind of weird... it's like it hasn't made it's mind up... it doesn't quite know if it should rain or shine. I don't know what to do either... about anything! I don't know if I should by a new car or not... I don't know if I should go away for the weekend or not... I don't know if I should move out of my parents' house or not... I don't even know how to be! I don't quite feel like myself... I am starting to think I never knew who I really am. Existencial crap like this is starting to affect me and my hability to be in synch with myself. Reality is not what I expected. The real world keeps biting me in the ass. The truth is that nothing turned out like I planned. Abdolutely nothing! Is that karma? Or just bad choices? I guess I'll never know for sure... All I know is that I have to wake up everyday and live. And so I do... Does it take courage? I don't know... it is what it is.

someday...

I woke up this morning thinking about a song I haven’t thought about in a long time. In fact, this song is part of a movie soundtrack. The movie is P.S. I love you. That particular movie made me cry like a little bitch. The movie is great but the song I already knew. I’ve always liked the Pogues… ever since I can think of myself has a person. That song hadn’t crossed my mind in a long time and yet this morning there it was… picking at my brain… making me feel… feelings I had locked safely in a small box… but like Pandora taught us, nothing can be kept locked in a box forever… things always come out. Even feelings. Even my feelings. I had to teach myself not to feel. And I had succeeded so well that I started to think of myself as a robot or some sort of invisible being. But now… this morning… this song… it brought a flood of emotion and I can’t stop it. I want to cry, laugh, scream, whisper all at the same time! I want to close my eyes and feel someone touching my cheek… I want to feel someone’s fingers through my hair. I want to feel! I want to feel something! Anything! Why am I so scared of feeling? I know it’s stupid… but I’m scared the same thing will happen again. And what is that thing? The thing is I always allow myself to feel… and that feeling grows… and it grows… and it grows… and the other person doesn’t feel… the other person is just having fun… and then I implode and end up in pieces. I don’t think I’ll be able to put all the pieces back together again this time. I already lost so many pieces… I guess that’s why I am staying in the shadows. But I’m sure I’ll feel again. Maybe not now… maybe not next year… but someday. :)

Sometimes you need an extra sink... LOL

I'm holding out for this... and I won't take anything less!

loneliness...

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I was depressed... at first I thought I was depressed because I am alone. But when I got home from work and listened to some music I soon realized that I am depressed because I am lonely. I am always surrounded by people but I feel like I am the only person in the world. I gave up on love a while ago. I know that there is no one out there for me. How could there be? I am so out of wack that even I know it'll be impossible to find my match. But it's all good. I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is having no friends. That's the hole I am desperately trying to fill. But how can I make friends when all the people here are so diferent? Actually... I'm the odd duckling around these parts: I wear tshirts and jeans... and docmartens. I listen to rock n' roll. I love horror movies. I like to talk about technology. My computer is an extension of my body. I love playing guitar and singing. I like to hang out and tell dirty jokes while drinking mojitos or some other nice little alcoholic drink. I don't drink and drive though. I always get someone to drive me home or I just stay in and have friends over... actually, that was before I moved to this God forsaken town! How can I make any friends if all the people here look down on me? I am not interesting to them and neither are they interesting to me. So I stay home... I surf the web and do my own thing... by myself. Thus the loneliness... I have to get away for a weekend... SOON! I'll have to plan that out with my sister. She still lives in my old town. It is so painful that I couldn't find a damned job back there... but it was a choice between making something of myself or just scrape up what little money I made jumping fro job to job... it was an easy choice - I chose to make a life for myself in a town I hate. Maybe someday I can retire and move back to the city by the sea I love and miss so much. In the meantime, I have vacations to look forward to. I have to start planning monthly visits too. I can't live like this anymore. I am starting to feel like a robot that's about to lose meaning. I feel like I am starting to lose relevance and slowly turning invisible. I guess friends make everything better... and I miss my friends.

See...

...misterious misery fell upon me
my life is not my own anymore
I look back and a broken door
that leads to a distant memory
is all I can see...

I am not where I want to be
I am not who I am
I am one of the damned
What they see is not me
but it's all they are able to see...

The night in me is now dawn
Day will never again come
Because the day is also gone
playful night and warm sun
are both taken from me
But no one else can see...

The fire in me is put out
I am weary, tired
and cannot shout
I'm no longer wired
that's what life's about
and only now I can see...

From my ashes nothing shall rise
because people don't chase myths
All I have left is a slow demise
a memory of wanting bliss
is all I want to see...

I am the walking dead
my body lives but my spirit dies
the memories kept in my head
echo in my silent cries
you can see them in my eyes...

Heart...?

People say that home is where the heart is... what if you're heart is somewhere else? What if you live in a place that you hate surrounded by people you have nothing in common with? That is the case with me... I hate this town I live in. It's beautiful and peaceful. But the people here are always trying to come up with new and improved ways to screw you behind your back... they're regular backstabbers. They're also very fake. They smile at you in the hallways and then talk smack about you behind your back. I've seen this first hand. I am a very low profile person and sometimes people don't even notice I'm around and I hear really nasty stuff... then I start to wonder if and what they say about me behing my back. It really saddens me that people need this kind of shit to make theur lives mean something. I wish I had at least one friend around to talk and hang out with because sometimes I feel like I might just snap!
I know you will say that there are those type of people everywhere... but the thing is... I really don't belong here. Everyone sets me aside and hardly anyone wants to sit with me. I feel like the really fat kid that gets picked last for soccer teams during gymn class. I feel like a freaking piñata at home because my mom just looooOOOOooooves to take it out on me and point out all my past faults. Like she doesn't have any. She's always been a sloppy mom and always made me feel like crap. She still does that. I just let it slide and pay no attention to the crazy lady. She's not even coerent anymore. But the damage is done. When she did seem coerent in her ramblings she made me feel useless and so I acted so. It took me a while to realize she was wrong and that everyone has worth. For so long I treated myself like crap because I believed her. Now that is over. I have moved on and am so over all of my mom's ramblings. Now all I feel is loneliness. My friends were all left behind. And we always say we'll be in touch and that we'll visit... but we all now that never happens because life goes on and our busy schedules just makes us forget about who is no longer around... I guess that's why they say "out of sight, out of mind".

So... I guess what I'm saying is that my heart is miles away. That means that I have a hole inside of me and if you put your ear to my chest you'll probably hear the ocean... because that's where my heart is. It belongs to the city by the sea...

Happy New Year?

A new year is upon us and the first thing I realized is that the prices of basic needs went up... they sky-rocketed so high up that I got whiplash and vertigo! Gas, milk, bread... all the prices of these goods went up. So... are we suposed to stop eating and going to work? Yeah, because if either of us can afford gas to go to work or bread to eat or milk to feed our children what are we to do? Are we all to live under the bridge praying to God to deliver us from all this madness?

I mean... we literally work ourselves to death, have no recognition from anyone, some of us are treated like crap (by employers or our families) and still we have to put up with the government over-taxing us and other companies over-billing us... and now... now we can barely aford bread, milk or gas to drive to work. I really don't understand any of this!

Our children are turning into bumbling idiots and have no interest in anything. They don't care for anything. All they do is watch TV, play their PSP's and computers and wallow in stupidity. I have yet to see a young person on a bus or train reading a book. None of our young can even spell correctly. They can barely read. They have no manners or opinions. They don't think for themselves. All they do is emulate the idiot box. Turn off your damned TV's and talk to your kids. Teach them how to think for themselves! An education is the most powerful tool you can give your children and that's why the world is set on stupifying the masses so that they will never be aware of what's really going on. This next generation is the generation of dumbasses and it really pisses me off that no one seems to care. I will not stupify my kids (I only have the one) and I refuse to let him be raised by the idiot box! I will nurture his thoughts and answer his questions and I will feed his brain and teach him how to think for himself. WAKE UP! Your kids are being turned into cavemen! Is that what you want?

We act and talk and behave a certain way to please society and what does society do for us? Absolutely NOTHING! So, Merry Xmas and Happy New Year to all of you. My only wish is that the masses that are asses open their eyes and start acting like normal people that think for themselves. We are ripe for revolution!