Rinse and repeat

Yesterday you texted me. I didn't want to read it. You texted me from a phone that isn't yours, from somewhere other than your house. I still didn't want to read it. I don't care if you've finally went to rehab. I'm selfish, readers might think, but I don't care. I don't want to get sucked back into this vortex of fucking insanity anymore. I don't want to deal with your family. I don't want to deal with your mom or with your aunts. I just want to be left alone. I've been beaten down enough. By you and all the rest of your family. Just leave me be. I did not write you a letter nor will I. I write on here to exorcise my own inner demons because talking to you would accomplish nothing as you clearly don't want to hear anything I have to say, just like before. You never heard me, or seen me. All you cared about was yourself, and your dreams and your goals. Fuck all the rest. I have dreams and goals too! But you just ran all over anything I had to say, thought, or wanted for myself. So now... this is it. You broke me and I hate myself for letting myself get broken. I just want to be alone.

Today I took my mom shopping. It finally started to rain. We were talking about the good old days and she mentioned my grandmother and I just start balling. I had to stop the car. I just sobbed and cried and my face got puffed up and red. My mother didn't quite know what to say her do. She's never been really good at comforting people. I don't think anyone in my family is very good and comforting each other. I calmed down and she went ahead with her grocery shopping and I just went for coffee and waited for her to be done. The ride back home was pretty quiet...

I started the new meds my doctor gave me yesterday. I had an appointment. Basically she says I'm sad and I look sad. I shrugged. I have nothing much to be happy about. So yeah... I'm sad. Doesn't take a genius to notice that. I wonder how long it will take for these happy meds to kick in because I really need to get my train of though back on the coherent track. Right now there's so much shit going through my mind a thousand miles per second and I can't grasp or hold on to a single interesting thought. 

I can't sleep. It takes me forever to fall asleep. I toss and I turn. I hear the neighbor's cows moo throughout the night, I hear the other neighbor's dogs bark and howl violent and eerie melodies at the moon, I hear the birds chirping when first light comes out. I toss and turn some more. I think I fell asleep. The alarm buzzes. I curse and get up. Here we go again. Another day. Rinse and repeat.