my beautiful guitar!

Panic

I am in a panic... anxiety rushes through me like the blood rushes through my veins! I want this crap to be over and I want to move on with my life... I am angry at myself for being so stupid... I am angry at the world! In the mist of all this panic, anger and anxiety I feel sadness... a kind of sadness I've never felt before... it pics at my being like a little kid pics at an old scab. I wish I could get it right! I try and I try... I give and I give... but I always get left behind or get kicked in the ass... The only explanation for all the crap that happens to me is that I have really bad karma (sometimes I think that maybe I was Hitler in another life... lol).

I hate what I've become - this insecure little rabbit that neves leaves his whole... My life is practicly over and I never even got to live it. How pathetic am I? So now I've decided that maybe it's not too late to start living and I'm going to grab the bul by it's horns and I'm going to do everything I ever dreamed of doing... I'm going to Stonehenge, then I want to go to Scotland... I want to see more of the country I live in - I've never gone down south and I've always wanted to visit Évora and the temple of Diana. I want to meet new people and drink and dance around a fire with them. I don't want to feel pressured into having a relationship with someone. I just want to make friends! I want to have fun without having to check if anyone might perceive me as being weird... so who cares if I'm different? I deserve to have fun too! I want to go to Barcelona and check out the beautiful architecture. I want to go to Greece and see with my own eyes one of the cradles of civilization. I want to roam the Earth and see for myself all the beauty it has to offer.

I don't care about falling in love anymore. I am so over that... it's a page that I've turned. That aspect of my life is done. All I had left to give anyone has been violently snatched from my heart and thrown in the trash. I feel stupid for letting myself be put through all this crap. I don't think I'll ever be abel to fully trust anyone again. I can't imagine that anyone will ever possess the power to make me smile. I have a hole inside of me that will never mend. If you put your ear to my chest you could hear the ocean! That's how empty I feel... I'll never be able to love anyone with the same passion I had when I was just a young and hopeful girl. So I think it's best I never love again.

Uncertainty

Uncertainty lies ahead... I thought I had my life all maped out. I'm 32 years old going on 33 and I have no idea where my life is going. Some time ago this freaked me out! And I gave into panic and made a huge mistake. Correcting this mistake is costing me more than I could ever have imagined. I never thought I'd end up with an empty heart. All I had in me was taken or thrown away by others. Now I have to fill myself up with feeling again but I don't know how.

I failed miserably. I tried to wake someone who slept through his whole life. But I had to find out the hard way that he was actually in a coma and won't ever wake up. So I moved on.

I am a colector of heartache. But now my collection is complete... I am ready to live MY life. I am ready to break the cycle that's been haunting my life for so long. I am ready to take care of myself. I want to bring back to life the passion I once had for things... small things, big things... anything! I lost my lust for life. The trivial things that once brought me such joy and that amazed me are now... well... just trivial. Nothing brings a smile to my lips. Nothing catches my eye. I feel so numb and so utterly alone...

I feel neglected... I've been neglected by others but mostly I've neglected myself. So I guess I have no one to blame but myself for all the mistakes I've made. I take responsability. And now I move on and try to do better. Because you can't ask anything more of people that for them to do better... and I soooooooo strive to rise above all the mistakes I've made. I try to learn from them... but sometimes I let myself get blinded by fake light and fake promises... I am wearing sunglasses now... :)

The path ahead is filled with uncertainty... but I'd rather be uncertain than live a miserable unhappy life...

Illusions

I let myself be blinded by illusions... by hollow promises... by lies! I wanted to believe that happiness was just around the corner, that all I had to do was take a leap of faith... How wrong it all turned out to be... how disappointed I am... how broken I feel... I had to scream myself through all the broken promises and lies... now I have to pick myself off the ground and mend my heart once again... I don't know if I can do this. I can stand on my own again but I don't think I can mend my heart... it's been broken too many times! And this time... this time it got shattered into a billion pieces... and I was never good at putting together puzzles... this would be an endless puzzle to work on. But I will get back my strenght and my spirit! I refuse to be a shadow of the person I was! I refuse to let myself be put down! I refuse to shut up! I shall rise and collect my strenght! And I shall stand against the one who made me feel like crap and gave me no support! I shall no longer be a martyr! I am a warrior! No one will ever make me feel like a ghost ever again! I will never let myself be fooled by illusions... Never again!

2º CORRIDA CONTRA O CANCRO EM ARCOS DE VALDEVEZ

Terá lugar no dia 1 de Maio, pelas 9h30, em Arcos de Valdevez, a “2.ª Corrida da luta contra o cancro”. O percurso será entre Arcos de Valdevez, com partida do Campo do Transladário, Ponte da Barca e regresso a Arcos de Valdevez. PARTICIPA!

Life...

I feel trapped... I never wanted to be a teacher and now it feels like I never knew how to e anything else. My creative blood has been sucked by the meanest vampire of all: university! I was never alowed to let my creativity flow freely. I was always repremanded when I tried to think or do somthing outside the box. The result: frustration, indifference, lack of motivation. And these led to the death of my being. I am but a shadow of the person I was before. Happiness is just a sweet memory, a wet dream I have sometimes and wish I would never wake up from. I watch all the lovely romantic movies and try to tell myself they're all crap. But then I look at my own life and realize that I wish it was a bit more like the romantic movies I sometimes see. Is it wrong of me to want a fairytale? Will I experience it one day? I don't know... All I can do is just live everyday in perfect harmony with myself. It is not my fault... it's just life.

Sunflowers

And I looooOOOOoooove sunflowers!

Dandelion

I just looooOOOOoooove dandelions!

Brand New Day...

I woke up a while ago... Jumped in the shower, had breakfast but I'm still tired! It's like I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to sleep... I wish I had a better work schedule.

Yes... I know... my writing isn't as passionate as it was in the past. I guess I'm kind of numb lately. I worry... I worry about the future. I worry about my future and the future of the economy, the future of this country, the future of the freaking planet! It's a lot to worry about. I try to set these worries at ease, but when I'm actually almost carefree they come back again... it's a vicious cycle of worrying... but I know I'll beat this! :) Tomorrow will be a brand new day!

I'm baaaaAAAAaaaack...

Hello, hello!

After five months of silence, I am back to weird you out with my private ramblings and attempts of writting poetry. Ah! and some sporadic attempts of photography! Yes! Those are the best EVER!

Write to you soon...