Love is dead

It's been a while since I last wrote. I've been a bit jaded for whatever reason. Depression and anxiety took over once more. Anti-depressants and anxiety meds kind of put me on some sort of weird "cruise-control" situation. I am slowly snapping back but I don't feel like myself anymore. I cam out the other end as a different person. I'm not sure yet if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I moved away. I live in Porto now. I also work here. Work is great. Living situation... not so much. The bedroom is quite big but the walls are a mess. The bathroom looks like something from a horror movie. The tile is hideous. I lock myself in every night. I wake up with bruises all over my body and I'm not sure if I am harming myself on myself or if there's some sort of angry ghost trying to get me to leave. Either way, I need to find a new place. I hate it there.

It feels like my personality or my sense of self is slowly being taken over by someone else. Like I'm being possessed. I'm scared. I'm scared but I'm not fighting back. I'm easing in to it. Do I let myself disappear and turn into someone new? Or do I fight for the person I am at the moment? I don't know what to do. I feel so numb! I just want to be happy. I wish I knew how. I'm just shuffling through existence or life like a zombie. Sometimes I cry when I'm at home because feelings hit me hard all at once and I can't deal. Other times I laugh hard when I'm at work because everyone is so awesome. Other times I try to smile but it feels fake. Smiling is a foreign concept to me at the moment. I can't remember the last time I truly really smiled for real. All my smiles now are fake, or feel fake. I don't want to fake smile anymore. It's frustrating.

Sometimes I'm driving home and I get stuck in traffic. I think back to all the people that came into and out of my life. I think of people I haven't seen or talked to in years. I think of people I knew that died. I think of high school and how simple everything was back then. I think further back to when I was just a little girl in grade school and how small and clueless I was. I'm still clueless. I'm no longer small.

I'm growing old. You would think that I would have some answers to life's questions. I don't. I'm as clueless as I was back then. About everything!

As for love? Love... Love is dead. There's nothing left. I am alone and will remain so. It saddens me to know that I will live out the rest of my days in solitude. But I just can't seem to get the love thing right. So I killed it. Or did I...?