Mother

Mother calls me a freak accident

makes me doubt myself and my place

growing up she was always absent

I could never remember her face

During adolescence I spun out

lost control of who I was

wondering what life's about

searching for a rebelious cause

I was deep in self-destruction

constantly dancing with death

I dove into all sorts of ruin

and I could feel it's breath

cold and haunting on my neck

seducing me with it's darkness

but somehow I was brought back

by a fluke filled with brightness.

A mistake that shines through

pulling me back to the living

and even though I am sometimes blue

his smile makes me keep smilling

Giving me hope that someday

mother will finally be proud

and have kind words to say

holding my hand in a crowd.

Invisible Girl

My voice is so fucking small

can't reach who I want it to reach

I could be seven feet tall

and have great secrets to teach

Still I'd be no one

that he would want to meet

no matter what I've done

I'm still standing on my feet

I am the invisible girl

he sees right through me

I don't belong in his world

but I don't know who else to be.

Going Down

I'm going down, so down

I work so hard

to fit in this town

but my heart is a graveyard

It's hard to breathe

down this low

I want to leave

but I have no where to go.

I need a friend

I have no one

no helping hand

everyone is gone.

Nobody knows

and no one dares

No one can see

and no one cares.

And I don't know myself

I can't feel my soul

I want to be someone else,

someone with a goal.

But I'm going down, so down

I've been broken

by this crazy town

life is spoken

and I'm going down...

Such Is Life (aka Cafeteria Girl)

I once had a friend, he looked like jesus

he was in love with the cafeteria girl

she was beautiful in her strapless dress

my friend had is mind in an endless whirl

oh cafeteria girl where have you gone?

he is sitting alone writting his song

you've always been on his mind

but he is so shy and resined.

At the cafeteria he heard your voice

his heart starting beating again

like it had no other choice

And that day it started to rain

He told me about his cafeteria girl

and how beautiful her voice was

But he lives in his own world

he won't talk to her "just because"

And one day he asked her out

she said no and never said why

his heart felt like a paper cutout

ripped to shreads, he said goodbye

He didn't know what else to do

we were all young back then

he's too good for someone like you

and now you'll never see him again

Oh cafeteria girl you sure suck!

you don't even know him like I do

and now you're shit out of luck

He just sat there feeling blue

Wondering what the hell it's all about

And he turned off all of his lights

Now it's time for him to check out

Because everyone knows such is life...

Sappy Ending

I'm standing still

with eyes shut

against my will

hoping for an exit

from this world

All around me

everyone happy

I don't want to see

love that sappy

in a cherry swirl

perfect smiles

surrounding me

I'm stuck in lies

no one can see

I'm just a girl

I am melancholy

that kind of love

is for the living

I don't think of

any sappy ending.

Someone to Love

The world is made of quicksand

swallowing me up a bit more each day

I reach up hoping for a helping hand

but all I find are faces that betray

I've searched long for an answer

and I lived through their lies

but I wont live forever

and I will never grow wise

even when I'm on the other side

you'll always be in my broken mind

in secrets and memories that I hide

that I hold dear and divine.

The world has never been kind

but I keep a smile on my face

sometimes it's hard to find

amidst the world's disgrace

But hope is the last to die

and for as long as I live

and have strength in my sigh

my heart I will always give

to the one I can't seem to find

to the one I always dreamed of

someone that I can call mine,

someone that I can love...

This Kind of Love

This burning love
was only for tonight
it came out of
that hungry light
you never knew
you could ever find
inside of you
something of the kind.

This melting love
is not hard to find
it fits like a glove
but only in your mind
It turns into ash
faster than it seems
It's just like whiplash
or a light that dims.

This kind of love
is not love at all
Nothing you think of
will break your fall
but if you think about it
it's really not that small

It's just the wrong kind
It's not the one you want
that one is hard to find
and it isn't what you got.
This kind of love you had
isn't what you thought.

And this kind of love
still breaks your heart
you're not who I think of
it just breaks me apart
you are the perfect kind
just not perfect for me
you would never be mine
I have to set you free...

And this love you give
isn't meant for me
I am not your captive
Why won't you let me be?
I just want to live
and keep waiting for
the love I want to give...

But that kind of love
will never wait for me
I turn around, it's gone,
It wanted to be free...
I'm left behind alone
drowning in my misery...

Sleepless Night

Tossing and turning
alone in my bed
thinking and burning
slowly from within.
Sweating and heart racing
with eyes shut tight
dreams I keep chasing
all through the night.
These desires of the flesh
are instinct made known...
Our bodies hungrily mesh
and tonight we become one.
His warm breath on my skin
brings desperate kisses.
Fingers now linger in sin,
soft words seep from my lips
As I wait for sleep to come...
I lie awake and dream of you
and I willingly come undone
wishing my dreams come true.

Waiting

I wish I had something deep to share
but I am numb and hollowed out
I have no other feelings to spare
I lost my voice and cannot shout

I used to scream to the world
from the top of my lungs
that I am just another girl
with life waiting to be sung

The words at the tip of my tongue
Are lost to me and you forever
and no matter how hard I clung
I slowly did have to surrender

Because I can't stay young
I had to grow up and give in
and all of my words unsung
are where I secretly live.

I am no longer the wild girl
I grew into a broken woman
I hide away in my own world
waiting for my piece of heaven

Looking out my window

You don't know that I exist
don't notice when I'm near.
I am not on your A-list
even though I'm right here

Looking out my window
dreaming of all the yesterdays
I have no place that I can go
and I have nothing new to say

I walk by just like a ghost
you just stare right through me
I'm the one that no one chose
and I reserve the right to be free

So I'm looking out my window
dreaming of all the days to come
wishing for a place that I can go
where nothing is ever undone

I'm wishing for a better place
where I'll be happy for a while
you will see my hopeful face
and I can finally smile...

And I'm looking out my window
thinking of how things could be
Having a place to call my own
where I can finally be me...