Standing Still

I've always been a nervous young thing jumping from bed to bed looking for second best. No one in the whole world knows how hard I've tried to settle for second best... but second best was never quite good enough. There was always something missing. Thoughts of you wandered through my mind through the years and they were enough to make me smile for a while. The nervous monster in me has faded away. I am a very calm low key person now. My broken heart and sometimes mangled body have changed me. The pain and harm I inflicted upon myself has destroyed the nervousness I had inside. But it also put out the light in my eyes... The lively loud girl is no longer around... I am so very different from the person I used to be. But thoughts of you still remain, still making me smile. Words spoken echo in my head... I sometimes find myself giving endless speaches imagining what I should have said, how I should have been, how it could have been... I live in a world of fantasies. I am a rock slowly being eroded by time, words, laughter, actions. And the people around me are paper dolls being blown away by the wind. I remain alone slowly fading while other are blown away towards better and bigger things. The pains of loneliness are far greater than the joys my occasional smiles bring me. I am a nameless face in a sea of someone else's memories. At night in my bed I drift off thinking of fantastic ways to escape this prison I built for myself. I fall asleep and dream of a world of possibilities. But when the clock goes off it starts all over again. I'm stuck in a rut. I'm stuck and I can't move. I close my eyes waiting for the world to change when I open them. But when I do open them everything is different but me. I remain the same rock watching the paper dolls blowing away in the wind... smilling and waving... and I am left helpless and sad and alone. I am standing still waiting for another tomorrow.