I woke up to this sound... a hammering sound. At first I thought it was just another throbbing headache... I tried to go back to sleep but that annoying sound kept picking at my brain. I tossed and turned for a while hoping it would stop... but it didn't. So I turned on my TV and blasted the sound up so I could somehow "forget" all about the sound that was driving me insane. American Dad was on... I fell asleep again. I woke up again to the sound of the opening credits of the show Smallvile. Never was a fan of that show and the opening credits song really sucks balls. I mean... it's the most annoying song ever written! I am thinking about how annoying the song is while I stretch out confy and warm in my bed wishing it was saturday. I get up, pee, brush my teeth, wash my face... I do some push-ups and crunches (not enough to break a sweat though) and hit the shower. I'm still in zombie mode... nothing on my mind. In the shower thoughts start to pour in... and while I close my eyes and get under the shower to wet my hair most of my life flashes before my eyes and an overwhelming feeling of helplessness overcomes me and I just feel like I'm going to break down and cry. But I don't... I taught myself so well not to let my true feelings show that it's like I can't express myself anymore. I want to cry and break things... throw some stuff around and make a big fuss but I've programmed myself all too well. I just open my eyes, lather, rinse... get out of the shower, wipe myself off, put on my robe, shake my hair and go to the kitchen to get coffee. I drag myself back to my bedroom with my cup of coffee and turn on my computer. As I sip my coffee I rummage through the sea of folders looking for the database worksheets I'm giving my students to work on today. I also prepare some cool coloring sheets for my first graders and a nice poem for the third graders to read and copy on the computer. As I sip my coffee and work on these tasks I start to think of how diferent my life would have been if I had just taken that internship in England 15 years ago. I mean... what the hell was a thinking? Then I just tell myself that my life as is was always meant to be... but a part of me is still whispering deep within that our life is consequence of the paths we choose. I just have to live with it... I have to lay in the bed I made for myself. I know it's stupid feeling sorry for myself because my life isn't that bad. I have my son, a job, a home, and family. But I always feel like there's something missing. It's like there's a hole inside me that at some times feels like it burns. It's funny how people miss what they never had. But maybe we're just missing some idealization... maybe a distortion of what really is. My coffee cup is now empty and I'm scowring the web for news and cool stuff I like. I also go on Facebook and check out what's happening. I check my email and ebay. Then I realize it's time for lunch. I get dressed (yes, at this point I'm still in my robe) and blow dry my hair. I get some soup and a sanduich... I gather my things, get in my car and split. As I drive to work I am listening to one of my favorite bands - the Violent Femmes. Blister in the Sun is one of the best songs ever! I'm driving, I light a cigarrete (wishing it was a doobie) and drive downtown smiling wishing I was 17 years old again with my hole life ahead of me. When we're young we always think we're gonna live forever and that we have all the time in the world... but now that I'm 34 years old I have come to the sad conclusion that we are in fact mortal, that we're not going to live forever and we certainly don't have all the time in the world. The truth is we have a very small window of time to get our shit together and our lives on the right track (the rigt track being the choice of the path we want to take). Too bad I had to realize all this too late. Because now it just seems pointless to try to fix shit from my past or try to (re)live situations I know can never be... At this point I'm driving into the school's parking lot at I start to think about the altircation I had with one of my students yesterday. It saddens me that a kid (and a class) with such potential for great things is just throwing it all away for the sake of being a smart-ass. It really pisses me off! And it also worries me. I sometimes stay awake at night wondering what will become of these kids because the world isn't giving out opportunities. How will they make it if even they have no hope at all? It's one thing to have hope and fight for what you want... but it's quite another when you don't even have the will or strenght to fight. It's fighting spirit vs broken spirit. There is no doubt in my mind that the world today is so much more harsh. It chews you up and spits you out over and over again. I park my car and walk to the cafeteria to grab another coffee... right now I need it to give me a much needed "kick" to get though the day. I have my coffee while watching the news and try to block out any thoughts. I just want to enjoy this coffee. I walk to the teacher's lounge and print out the work load for the day. The printer is ONCE AGAIN broken. I just give up and decide to write the whole exercize on the board. The bell rings... my heart races. I give myself this awesome speech in my head and tell myself I need to give it to my students... but when I walk into the classroom the words escape me. And I just start working with them and wwalk them through the exercizes. As I look around the classroom I think back to when I was they're age and in high-school. It sort of feel like I'm time travelling and I see myself looking back at me with that wild-eyed smirk I used to give my teachers. Anti-estabilishment spewing little know it all girl. That's who I was. I... I guess time broke me. And I ended up back at the town I swore never to return to as a teacher. I never wanted to be a teacher. I just sort of fell into it. But surprising enough I'm not that bad at it. I just wish I could infuse these kids with a little more motivation and fight. I would like to close my eyes and hear them say: "we will not go gentle into the nigh, we rage against the dying of the light and we shall win this fight!". But when I close my eyes all I hear is silence. So now the bell rings again and the kids scatter. I remain in my seat. The next class starts to walk in all wide-eyed and ready to get down to business. I love this class. They're really good kids. They always ask questions and do the best they can. And that's all I can ask of them. I just hope the world is merciful and gives them a fighting chance to reach their dreams. I am at my desk and I look around... the class room is so silent today. They're all very much absorved by the database assignment I gave them. But I also see some of them occasionaly checking facebook. What is up with that shit? Why is facebook so addicting? I wish there was someway to block it during class. I guess if it's just for a couple of minutes at a time it's not so bad. I just don't want them to fall into a cyber-world where they disconnect from everything else. Right now I just feel too tired to keep on fighting against that damned facebook! I just walked around the room asking them to turn the stupid thing off and continue the assignment. I have a huge headache and wish I was home. Everyday is the same as the last. Time passes as fast as a snail drags itself around. I see the IM blinking someone is trying to talk to me but I just stare at the blinking IM imagining all types of scenerios. Why would I do that? - you might ask... well... I have many contacts on my contact list but very few people I actually talk to. Which is the same as saying I have no actual friends. My cyber life matches my actual life - friendless, funless, loveless, hopeless. The next 30 minutes will pass excrutiatingly slow as the students struggle to finish today's assignment. I walk around and help them figure out what they didn't quite get. When I am busy with whatever time passes by a lot faster. But... in the other hand... it's not passing by fast enough. It's like I just want my life to be over so I can stop. I am so tired of constantly going through the motions. I just want it stop! One way or another. I just know I can't go on living this zombie-like existence where everyone ignores me and underestimates me. I am tired of people always making me feel like I'm not good enough or smart enough. I am so much better and smart than anyone gives me credit. I know I am. So is it that people feel the need to keep bringing me down? What is so threatening about me that they have to make me feel like crap all the time? The bell will ring soon and I'll be driving up to another school to teach first graders how to use computers. At 5 I'll pick up my kid from yet another school (he's in 5th grade) and we'll be heading home. He'll tell me all about his day and I'll give him advice. When we get home I'll help him with his homework (excep math... I'm no good at math; but he is, so we're golden). Then dinner, then some play time, then getting ready for bed and then sleepy time. I'll toss and turn around for a while. Watch Top Chef and Unsolved Mysteries. Fall asleep watching The Practice. And tomorrow it'll start all over again. By the way... the sound I woke up to was of some construction workers hammering away in my dad's coffee house. He rented it out to my oncle... again! So my miserable existence is about to get unbearable. This is my life.
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