Random Toughts

I am tired... I've been tired for a long time. Mentally tired. I'm trying real hard to keep my shit together but at times I feel like I'm falling apart. Other times I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind. I try not to think too much because I think that's what's wrong with me. I think too much. I have thoughts running around my mind a mile a minute. Like a small chinese country where everyone is talking all at once. Sometimes I can filter some of the voices and I don't like what I "hear". Other times I just shut my brain down. But then I'm bombarded by other senses: I see bright colors dancing all around me. I hear the wind whispering secrets to me. I feel the sun caressing my face. I close my eyes and all these things take over and I cease to exist. It's like I'm slowly turning to ash and the wind is blowing me away and I am high up in the air trying to remember who I was or who I'm suposed to be. I fell like a burning paper doll slowly being scattered through the four corners of the earth. I keep the pain insed me safely tucked away in a small box I created within. I accidently stored all other feelings in there with it and now I feel nothing. You could slap me around and kick me and I wouldn't feel a thing. I'd probably smile and thank you for trying to make me feel. This zombie like state I am that left me completely numb is taking it's toll. When I was younger I'd hurt myself to feel anything. I'd drink until I fell and broke my nose. I'd pink fights with random people. I'd pop painkillers to drown all the screaming voices in my head telling me to stop. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to die. I wanted to die... but I got through all the shit and I'm still here. I am strong but I am weak. I fear that the slightest thing might push some hidden forgotten button in me... I fear I might snap and throw everything away. I sometimes wish I would snap... because then something would be happening. I am so tired of hiding in boredom. But boredom is safe. And safe is how I need to be right now. But still... I dream of letting go and being myself. I am feeling a bit repressed... I have to pretend to be normal all the time. I can't be myself around here. But my heart as been eaten away by "what ifs?". So much so that there aren't any "what ifs?" left and where my heart once beat is now a hollowed out chest. I always felt everything with suck an intensity that it burnt me up whole and left nothing but a pile of ash slowly being blown away by the wind and by people whistling my favorite song. I used up all the feeling I had inside of me. I have nothing left and I can't go back. I can't take it back. I can't hold back. I've paid my debt for all the crazy shit I did and for all the crap I put people through but still life decided I should be this hollowed out vessel just standing around while the whole world passes me by... My body grows old and I feel the aches and pains of aging but I feel nothing inside. I want to cry... like I did that night. I want to smile like I did when I saw you the last time we went out. I want to tremble when my elbow touches yours. I want to be able to sleep 6 hours straight. I want to be able to sleep without any crazy dreams haunting me. I want to forget everything. I want to forget who I was, where I was and what I did. I want to experience everything for the first time and not feel the way I do now... always wondering... always hanging on to old faded memories... always asking myself "what if?".