It's been a couple of years since I felt like myself. I can say with certainty that I've been numbed b y all the shit that life threw at me. I think of life as one sick bitchy moneky throwing it's excrement at anyone passing by. Most people are aware that the bitchy monkey is going to throw shit at them but as usual I am the weird chick always looking at something else and not taking care or noticing the shit being thrown at me untill it hits me. So... I am covered in monkey shit right now. With all this excrement life as decided to make of my path I gained a very useful tool: numbing out the pain. I numb myself to anything bad. It's like I'm a robot and I have an on/off switch. So much so that I broke it and now it's constantly off. So now I'm this numbed out freakish girl that can't smile and that no one wants to hang out with. I am the freak who doesn't feel. The flesh and bone robot that life and society made. I so fought against becoming this person but in the end... they won. But I must confess that a little bit of the wild child is still buried deep inside and sometimes comes out to freak out the fucking conformist assholes who put me on a working-class zombie leash. I have a lot of anger rooted deep within and I'm afraid that one day I'll explode and it'll come oozing out soiling everyone around me... and won't that be a pretty sight! It'll be a big fucking slap of a smile on my face! But for now I am this numb little shadow of the person I once thought I'd be... I'm a cheap version of the person I was meant to be. I have been so numb for so long that it just got boring. And you know what? There is nothing worst in the whole wide world than boredom. Boredom is death. I have to break through this fucking wall I put up but I have no idea where to begin... I know, I know... I should begin with the begining. But the truth is I don't know where the begining begins and where the end ends... I can't make heads and tails of my life so I just set it on cruise control and have become one sick puppy just going along with the ride life or fate or whatever it is programmed for me. Maybe I should fucking punch the cruise control out until it short circuits and take control of this shity life myself. Because... you know what? I can't really screw up more than I already have. So I guess I'll just put aside this fear of failure and give it a go. As Muad'Dib (the movie Dune - which else?) said: "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
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