I wish I felt nothing

So... I know that lately I've been a bit depressing. I guess the years of running around with scissors have taken a toll. I am oficially depressed. I find myself wondering what the point is all the time. It's hard waking up in the morning and trying to think of reasons to get out of bed... or even a good reason to explain your own existence. It also doesn't help when you feel the world is against you: your family nag, you're never quite what they wanted you to be. You don't fit the mold they wanted to shape you to. The people you work with don't understand you and most the times ignore you. But you're fine with that because you know they're just a bunch of twats that couldn't come up with an original idea if it hit them on the face in the form of a fart. Your love life is inexistent. You've lost all hope of ever finding your "soul mate" (whatever the fuck that is! I think TV brainwashed us into thinking that there is such a thing with all the romantic comedies that suck balls) so you basicly don't leave the house anymore because you feel it's pointless. Why go out to a bar or whatever just to get hit on by drunks and perverts that want to get in your pants? No thank you! I have better things to do with my saturday night, thank you very much! And it includes my pajamas, chocolate and a movie. With all this hitting me at once I guess I'm just trying to find a way to deal with the fact that happiness is (or was) just an illusion. It was right in front of me a couple of times but it always goes up in smoke. And you're left behind with a shattered version of yourself that you try to put back together but you know that some pieces are hard to find and glue back together. Everytime you shatter a little piece gets lost and eventually you'll get to a point when you realize that the hole is way to big to cover up so you experiment different ways to keep people from seeing who you really are right now. I think back to my life and to where and who I am now and I came to the conclusion that I am a very good actress... I've always adapted to every situation life threw at me. I've had to reinvent myself so many times that I can't quite figure out who to be now. Who am I? One thing I know... I am the weird girl standing in the corner waiting for someone to notice her and talk to her. But that never happens. So I'm at this point that I'm alone, I have no friends, no one knows me and nobody gets the chance to bolt on me. But still there's some kind of storm or hurricane of emotions waiting to explode. I feel angry, sad, melancholic, left behind... I feel like I'm no good, that I have no use and nobody needs me... I see and hear beauty and it's so hard to bare sometimes. There's no use saying "brace yourself" because whatever hits you, it hits you so hard that you're never prepared. And then your life changes forever. The person you could have been is lost forever and you sometimes get glimpses of her (or him) in your dreams. And when you wake up it all starts again...