Walk on

Lets get real for a moment... about love, that is. It's hard to find love. Sometimes you think you found it only to realize it was just an illusion. You might think you're in love and it's only the longing to be loved and love someone that tricks your mind into thinking that you're in love. Sometimes you actually start to believe you're in love but the other person is just comfortable with you and doesn't even bother to actually look for "the right one". The other person might be involved with you and a string of other "wrong ones". Because... you know... twice as much love is always better than none. Even if it's not actually love. Sometimes you actually feel love for someone but that person isn't ready or isn't the person you're supposed to be. There are so many variables to take into account. It's insane anyone ever finds love. I don't even see myself falling in love anymore. I don't see myself being happily in love with someone in the future. I can't see myself being happy or in love. I guess I've exhausted all my trials and there's no backsies! You can't take anything back. Once your heart gets broken enough times you're more than ready to call it quits. But it's fine. One can lead a perfectly reasonable and content life. That's my goal now. I know most people are used to me writing all these kinds of doomed love poems but I don't think I have any of those left in me. I don't know what kind of poetry I'll write in the future or if I'll ever get through this writer's block but I don't think it'll be about the most exquisite pain - love. I'm probably never going to write poetry again. You might ask me how I know this... well... I know this just as much as I know that I'll never love again. Even though I've never actually felt the kind of love you read about in books and see in the movies... I have loved. In my own way. When I was a young girl in my teens love was urgent. When I was in my twenties love was messy and confusing. And now... Love was supposed to be patient and kind. But it isn't. It just keeps getting messier and it keeps getting more and more confusing. And I know I'll never love again. I know I'll never feel like that again.

I've had some relationships. They've all ended. Some badly and others with mutual agreement. Some were long and others lasted what seemed like a minute. Some unforgettable... Others you forget. And some you wish you could forget. The unforgettable make you wonder "what if?" and they make you daydream and wish you had done certain things differently. The ones you forget were rebounds, the ones that lasted but a second. And the ones you wish you could forget are the huge mistakes you wish you could take back or fix. I've had all of these at one point or another in my life. And after some time reflecting on all the relationships I've had I can surely affirm that none were the kind of love that time sits still for. None were epic love stories like you read in books or see in movies. None felt at any point like forever. And I so wanted for at least one of them to have been a forever type love because then I could move on with my life knowing that I had lived an epic love story. Knowing that I could live out the rest of my life content and with peace of mind. But after analyzing my past love life I have come to the sad conclusion that I've never had an epic love. It's a sad realization. And there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to mend my heart and move on. I don't want to end these thoughts with the "maybe some day" hope type thing because that's the furthest thing from my mind and I don't believe that some day I'll have my epic love story. I'm actually quite sure it won't happen. Why? Because I am not open to it. I don't want it. I don't want it anymore. I'm not the silly young girl who dreamed of a fairy-tale love story. I'm not the confused young woman wearing her heart on her sleeve. I am this person... a person who is done waiting. I am a person looking forward without fear or doubt. I am a person excited to walk down this path I've been avoiding for so long. But it's time now. It's time to drop silly notions of romance and walk on.