Now what?

What happens when you realize your best days are behind you? Do you freak out? Do you shake it off and tell yourself it's bullshit and go out and do the craziest shit you can think of to prove to yourself that all days will be awesome? Do you roll up in a ball and cry? Do you just sit there gazing at a flickering cursor wondering what to write next? Do you ask yourself: "now what?"

I want to believe that there is no such thing as glory days but sometimes I catch myself reminiscing and I smile. Sometimes I catch myself thinking or wishing that I could go back and change a few things or do some of it differently. Sometimes, when I talk with my sister about the person I used to be, I can hardly recognize myself in all the stories we talk about. I don't see myself as a fierce young sharp devil ready to party all night long. Have I really changed that much? The answer is yes. I have changed that much. I hate partying all night long. Heck! I hate partying. I actually think I hate parties. I am not fierce or young anymore although I am still sharp and there is still a bit of a devil in me. I am just not the same person and sometimes it's hard for me and for other people who knew me before to understand how or why I changed. If you were to ask me... I would have to answer: "I have no friggin' clue!" Life choices? I don't know... Stuff, I guess.

I am working on a new poem but it's taking a while to birth it all the way through. It's a process. A long, hard process. Eventually I'll finish it. And it won't be good. But it'll be a first step to getting my writing mojo back. Hopefully... Yeah... Even if all I write is crap until the day I die, I'll be happy because I'm writing. If someone were to jump through my window and break my hands I'd be a wreak. So... yeah... Geez! I don't really have much to say... I've been in bed since Friday trying to recuperate from a nasty lung infection (damn pine tree dust). Figures I'd be allergic to the mountain's fresh air... Well... I'm all patched up and ready to get my ass back into gear.

I'll be going back to work tomorrow. It's not my dream job but I have to be realistic and accept that I'm too old to get my dream job. Especially in this fucking country where everyone is fucking corrupt and on the take. So... I'll just settle in to this job and hopefully I can make it there. The people there are super awesome and that's like... one of the main reasons for me to stick around. The actual work is sometimes stressful and sometimes rewarding. It's a 50/50 thing. I know it'll grow on me. It just pisses me off that this country does not give art a chance. Oh well... I'll keep on doing it on the side during my time off. I tell myself this but in truth I haven't done much for art's sake. I'm ashamed to admit it but... it's the truth. I spent the day researching recipes for a St. Patty's cake. Tomorrow... we bake! Yeah... I know what you're thinking... "pot brownies". But no... none of that. Maybe I'll post a picture of my "masterpiece" on here if it doesn't look too gross. Yeah... I'm not much of a baker. I can cook up a storm but baking cakes or cookies is definitely not my thing. I also don't have a sweet-tooth.

Wow. I'm all over the place. I don't even remember what I was thinking about when I started this post. I guess the notion of "now what?" kind of freaked me out a bit and I just rambled. Rambling is good sometimes. You get the chance to "throw" all your inner "stuff" out there. Sort of like exorcising demons. And believe me, I have plenty of those in need of exorcising. As for the "now what?" thing... just close your eyes, breathe, listen to some nice music and relax. Tomorrow is a whole new day.