Even if

I don't know what to do with myself. I don't know where to go either. These past few years feel a lot like a car wreck you see on TV in slow motion and you can analyze every detail of what's going on but you can't stop it or avoid it. You can only see it happening. You have no influence on any of it because it's like it already happened but you relive it every day like a nightmare... a waking nightmare. That's what the past few years have felt like. And now that I am going in a different direction I'm a bit scared that it's not actually a different direction but a whole new nightmare taking hold. I don't want to let the panic seep in but it's sort of unavoidable. I can't help but think of all the things that could go wrong. Typical me - thinking of what could go wrong and never thinking of what could be awesome. Even if awesome hit me in the face I'm still thinking of what could go wrong next. Even if I'm content I still think of a thousand ways I could easily slip and fall into misery. Even if people tell me I'm doing okay I'm still thinking I'm useless. Even when I think that things might turn around I'm still thinking that it's bullshit, that things will never really work out for me in the end. Why the fuck am I so annoyingly defeatist? Why can't I just carpe diem like most people and suck all the marrow out of life?

My life has been pretty uneventful lately. I go to work, I get off work, I come home. Pretty straightforward and boring. I'm used to boring. I enjoy boring. There was a time that boring was just boring. But now, boring is comfortable and safe. Boring is a step closer to perfection. I'm so perfectly boring I even spaced out for a few moments thinking about all kinds of different ways to spend a boring afternoon. I know you're wondering if I feel lonely... I do. I won't deny it. But it's better to be alone than with the wrong person. So I steer clear of those now and in the future I need to be absolutely sure that the other person is actually a right person and not a complete fucking psycho. As I think this - in a sort of inner monologue style - I'm listening to Veruca Salt looking out my window. So many flickering distant lights... I wonder how many other people are having similar inner monologues and how many are heartbroken. I wonder how many are listening to music, like I am, and reflecting on such happenings of their daily life. I wonder how many are looking out their window wondering the same as I am. I wonder how many are looking for that one true love that will set them on fire and consume them (but in a good way). The other day I was driving home from work and thinking about just that... how before love was urgent, a sort of fire that had to be put out. And I don't think that was actually love. It was a sort of itch that needed scratching. So I guess it's safe to say that it was heated passion binded by lust. Love isn't fleeting... it grows stronger each day. I assume it does. I'm not really sure what it's all about. I mean... so many writers have tried to nail that one down and we still have no idea how to describe it. Mostly because I think that it hits people in different ways... maybe it has something to do with the soul. There aren't two souls alike. There might be kindred souls or soulmates. People that complete each other like the two halves that walk the earth looking for each other - that sort of thing. And those might walk by each other down the street and have some sort of magnetic connection or spark. But not act on it... then what? Even if they do have that spark or whatever they just walked on because... well... life. Life happens way too fast. People are always way too caught up with... I don't even know. All the crap they deal with everyday. They don't stop to appreciate what's going on around them. And that's kind of sad. But even if I stop to watch life happening around me I feel utterly alone. Because it's like I'm on pause in a sea of blurred faces fast forwarding around me.

New York

the love we deserve

No Regrets At All

When the rain started falling
I was sitting quietly in my chair
nursing an illness that took hold
and wouldn't let go easily
I heard the sound of rain
and I closed my tired eyes
so that I could listen to it's sweet sound
drip, drip, drip on my window
washing away all that is old
bringing back my voice again
drowning out all of my weary sighs
drip, drop on the hard dry ground
it's sound a distant calling
why do I love the rain so much?
If I weren't this ill I'd run out
and dance in it until I was soaked
with my huge voice I would shout
I would shut my eyes and face up at the dark sky
so that I might feel it running down my face
filled with grace and without a hint of lie
Then I would silently walk back inside
and peel off my wet clothes
toss them aside
crawl into bed and dream all the dreams
that I have never dreamed before
But what I dream of most these days
is everything no one else looks for
it's what everyone runs from
no one wants any and I would kill for some
But I will not dare speak it
I will never say it out loud
I will just stand still in a crowd
hoping to be seen, to be felt
longing for the rain to fall once more
like it did today and like it did before
like it will always fall when I least expect it
drip, drip on my window
drip, drop on the hard dry ground
like tears running down my face
the rain masks the tears running down my face
and that being the case
some might wonder why, some might not care
why I sit quietly in my chair
this night nursing myself back to health
listening to the wind outside
whisper their names
like a lover once whispered in my ear:
"Let go of your fear"
And so let go I did and I loved
then I didn't anymore. I just felt pain
Love had left me as did the passionate whispers
They were gone never to come back again
So today I sit in this chair
Listening to the rain outside fall
Thinking of different times, a different life
but not regretting anything at all.

welcome to society

respiratory tract infection

Voice trapped in throat
Lungs set on fire
By a never ending cough
A sore body lying
Perfectly still
That's how I've been I'll.
Eyes closed. Sleep.
Eyes open. Weep.
Mouth opens. Nothing...
No sound. Not even a whisper.
Days spent sipping tea
Days as long as years
There was an eclipse I didn't see
Seems like I miss everything...

My Fate

My fate has been raped
Over and over... Again and again
By chance and circumstance.
My fate is broken
Traumatized beyond belief
Without hope or any kind of relief.
It's voice taken
snatchet in an instant
by the foulest of thieves
A heart that grieves
what has yet to come
what might seem auspicious to some
A heart that desires
what has been
passion fueled fires
that used to burn within
But my fate is not my own
it is hallowed and disgraced
by chance unknown
and circumstance unclear
My fate has been raped
and left bloodied on the floor
nothing will ever be as before.
My fate has been raped
by chance and circumstance
while I quietly slept.
It's the only secret I ever kept...

Now what?

What happens when you realize your best days are behind you? Do you freak out? Do you shake it off and tell yourself it's bullshit and go out and do the craziest shit you can think of to prove to yourself that all days will be awesome? Do you roll up in a ball and cry? Do you just sit there gazing at a flickering cursor wondering what to write next? Do you ask yourself: "now what?"

I want to believe that there is no such thing as glory days but sometimes I catch myself reminiscing and I smile. Sometimes I catch myself thinking or wishing that I could go back and change a few things or do some of it differently. Sometimes, when I talk with my sister about the person I used to be, I can hardly recognize myself in all the stories we talk about. I don't see myself as a fierce young sharp devil ready to party all night long. Have I really changed that much? The answer is yes. I have changed that much. I hate partying all night long. Heck! I hate partying. I actually think I hate parties. I am not fierce or young anymore although I am still sharp and there is still a bit of a devil in me. I am just not the same person and sometimes it's hard for me and for other people who knew me before to understand how or why I changed. If you were to ask me... I would have to answer: "I have no friggin' clue!" Life choices? I don't know... Stuff, I guess.

I am working on a new poem but it's taking a while to birth it all the way through. It's a process. A long, hard process. Eventually I'll finish it. And it won't be good. But it'll be a first step to getting my writing mojo back. Hopefully... Yeah... Even if all I write is crap until the day I die, I'll be happy because I'm writing. If someone were to jump through my window and break my hands I'd be a wreak. So... yeah... Geez! I don't really have much to say... I've been in bed since Friday trying to recuperate from a nasty lung infection (damn pine tree dust). Figures I'd be allergic to the mountain's fresh air... Well... I'm all patched up and ready to get my ass back into gear.

I'll be going back to work tomorrow. It's not my dream job but I have to be realistic and accept that I'm too old to get my dream job. Especially in this fucking country where everyone is fucking corrupt and on the take. So... I'll just settle in to this job and hopefully I can make it there. The people there are super awesome and that's like... one of the main reasons for me to stick around. The actual work is sometimes stressful and sometimes rewarding. It's a 50/50 thing. I know it'll grow on me. It just pisses me off that this country does not give art a chance. Oh well... I'll keep on doing it on the side during my time off. I tell myself this but in truth I haven't done much for art's sake. I'm ashamed to admit it but... it's the truth. I spent the day researching recipes for a St. Patty's cake. Tomorrow... we bake! Yeah... I know what you're thinking... "pot brownies". But no... none of that. Maybe I'll post a picture of my "masterpiece" on here if it doesn't look too gross. Yeah... I'm not much of a baker. I can cook up a storm but baking cakes or cookies is definitely not my thing. I also don't have a sweet-tooth.

Wow. I'm all over the place. I don't even remember what I was thinking about when I started this post. I guess the notion of "now what?" kind of freaked me out a bit and I just rambled. Rambling is good sometimes. You get the chance to "throw" all your inner "stuff" out there. Sort of like exorcising demons. And believe me, I have plenty of those in need of exorcising. As for the "now what?" thing... just close your eyes, breathe, listen to some nice music and relax. Tomorrow is a whole new day.

Being ill on Friday the 13th

Another lung infection hit me like a ton of bricks. I woke up at 3 am with a nasty sore throat. I could barely swallow. I was in pain... It felt like I had an elephant sitting on my chest. I could barely breathe. A cough took over and I had to run to the bathroom where I threw up a couple of times. My throat was getting worse. It felt like I had a fiery cotton ball stuck in my throat. I felt like crap. I washed my face with ice cold water. I grabbed hold of my bathroom sink and looked in the mirror while water dripped down my face. I'm not quite sure if it was actually water or sweat. I felt like I would die but that's just the hipochondriac in me. I took some pills and went back to bed. I couldn't sleep. I stared at the ceiling and watched as the lights seem to dance around. I heard the church bell toll 4. And then 5. Then 6. At 7 the alarm went off. I was still feeling like crap but I slowly got out of bed. I was standing for a few seconds and had to run back to bathroom and threw up again. I thought that I would feel better while I drove to work so I just stuck to my routine and drove to work.I felt worse. I talked with my supervisor and HR and explained how I was feeling. Theytold me that I should go home and that my health was more important. For the first time in my life I felt like a person. Actual human beings wanted me to get better and weren'thoping for my demise. It felt like I mattered. It meant a lot. I drove back home and went in to see the doctor. I went in to the centre where I usually go and just my luck! Doctors were on strike. The clerk seemed way to happy about it and told me I would have to go somewhere else. I lost it and called her a fucking asshole because I could see doctors walking in the background. I know I wear glasses but I'm not blind. She just wanted to make my life hell. I walked down the stairs and found a doctor and I was now hyperventilating or whatever. I was having a total meltdown. So he calmed me down and told him what had just happened. He got a nurse and she took me back up in an elevator and I got a doctor to look at me. The doctor was absolutely awesome. He prescribed everything I needed and set up a lung exam which will be scheduled soon. Hopefully. I need to get this into check. I can't be sick all the time.

And so now I'm in bed nursing myself back to health looking out the window watching the sun shine and wondering why do crappy things always happen to me on Friday the 13th.

Something in the air

Days are getting longer and you feel temperature slowly rising. You leave layers of clothes at home one by one. And you're ate work wondering what the sun will feel like on your face once you get a break. And when the clock strikes "break time" you run outside and soak up all the sunshine that you can. You store all the warmth you can because it was a long winter and it's almost over. Most of us are longing for Spring already so we take off our layers of clothes a little bit faster than we should. Some feel like there's something in the air and they use that "excuse" for falling in love as if falling in love is a bad thing. Other people barely notice the changing of the seasons because they're all so caught up in their daily routines. And other people, like me, find magic in trivialities and ordinary days. Every minute that your heart beats is a small miracle. Every once of pai you've ever felt was an anti-venom and a learning experience. Every heartache was another step closer to the right person. But one should never forget to also be the right person because searching for the right person is never enough. I do believe there definitely is something in the air - the smell of spring, warmth, magic and promises of better things to come.

Zombified

Day in and day out. Everything is the same. You're routine is perfectly timed. Sometimes you have a lucid moment and you realize you've become some sort of robot stumbling through life. You don't enjoy the simple things you once loved and you don't feel any kind of joy or bliss. You're always focused on the next step of your routine. It's sort of living-death... You're a zombie. A robot. A zombie-robot or a robot-zombie. Whatever floats your boat. You want to break free from the rut you got stuck in but you can't. It slowly seeped into to you right down to your bones. It's like a cancer... Chemotherapy won't get rid of it. And you keep hoping for a jolt of lightning to restart or reboot your system. And maybe once that painful jolt of energy surges through you, you can set yourself free and restart get back to your life and hopefully know enough not to make the same mistakes that led you to fall into the rut that completely zombifies you and corrupted your system. Even if you are stuck in a rut and your eyes are glazed over one can still catch a glimpse of humanity, one can still see a shimmer or fragment of soul. I would urge people to help these zombified individuals to snap out of it. I would ask these enlightened people to become the jolts of lightning that might set the zombie-robots or robot-zombies free. Because if you don't you'll be taking a step closer to becoming zombie-robots or robot-zombies yourself. And you certainly don't want that to happen. Do you?
Am I zombified? Not fully... But my system is crashing and I am slowly turning into a zombie even though I am aware that I have a perfectly timed routine and that I don't stop to enjoy my surroundings. Is it a choice or something that just happened? I am not entirely sure. I can't really remember how it started. It's basically a coping mechanism. It's a safe guard from any extra pain I might feel by putting myself out there. It's a fucked up way to refrain from... well... Fucking up!  And maybe it's not something that happens to everyone. Maybe it's just my problem. Maybe it only happens to me. So I need to look up, open my arms and wait for that perfect jolt of lightning to reset me back to my normal self which isn't actually very normal. Maybe it'll happen tomorrow or next week. Maybe it will never happen. I can only just wait...

Death or pain?

Once you get to the end of your chosen path you need to figure out if you want to take a new path or just give up. But giving up is the same as dying. So basically you have to choose between pain or death. Which do you prefer? Constant pain or death? Death sometimes sounds good because it'll end your agonizing pain. But choosing death is the coward's way out and I am anything but a coward. So I will always choose agony, excruciating pain... I will always choose new paths. Even if they're the wrong ones. But I'll never give up. I am strong and independent. And I own up to my choices. Even the wrong ones. Contemplating death is just not an option. I will always fight until my last breath.

randomness of a.m. thoughts

I just woke up. It's 6 a.m. and I'm still in bed. The first thing I thought of was to grab my phone and check the time. Maybe this time I had slept 8 hours. No joy. I slept 7 hours. But at least I slept 7 hours straight. I still have an hour left and I even turned to the side to try and go back to sleep. My brain won't let me. All the thoughts and processes just start hammering away and there's just no use trying to stop it and go back to sleep. I'll just end up feeling frustrated.


Yesterday evening when I was driving home the sun was setting. It had been a good day. The sun shone down on us all and we felt amazing. Driving home the sky was filled with colors like an awesome piece of art. Even though it wasn't fully far you could see the moon. It was pale, full and bright and I thought that I was just like that moon - pale and full... sometimes bright. There was a circle around the moon which is a sign of trouble about to come. I was alert. I am fully alert. After talking with the latest object of my obsession I realized we are not in sync and so after careful consideration i decided to keep my distance. When two people are not in the same wave length it always ends badly and I don't want that to happen. I'd rather just keep my head down and do nothing. Detachment is something I don't fully understand. How can some people just sleep with someone without feeling a spark of anything? I'm not talking about physical attraction. A person can feel attracted to someone and not act on it. I'm talking about passion or caring. Maybe even love. Because there are different types of love. And you can love someone and have a carefree friends with benefits situation. But people always seem to think that if you're not detached you're attached. I don't see it that way. You can have the in between - the friends with benefits. If you think about it carefully you can't ever have a successful full-on all the way relationship without being friends first. There has to be mutual respect and caring. There has to be complicity and companionship. Without any of these a relationship will fail. And just because you live with someone or you have some kind of verbal or written agreement doesn't make your relationship successful. People tend to get lazy and stuck in a rut. To top off this morning randomness of thoughts - I love all my friends. I feel for them and I care about them. I could never sleep with someone I didn't feel something for. But I am fully aware that I am not built for a full-on let's live together relationship. That being said... I'm just going to stick to my job, hang out with my co-workers, stay put and just breathe.

Roll the Dice

If you’re going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don’t even start.

if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.

go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or 4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.
  my
if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.

do it, do it, do it.
do it.

all the way.
all the way.

you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter, its
the only good fight
there is.
–
And I’m doing it
Enduring the long distance between us
Facing myself when there’s silence and darkness
Working while loosing my passion for it
Living in a city that left me long ago
Pushing time forward
Trying to live my dream
Holding my future closeby
Reading Wilde’s words
And still smiling
Because
I’m doing it.


Charles Bukowski

we are not gods

I woke up feeling on top of the world. I was feeling like everything was going my way and that the world was my oyster. I had told him last night what it felt like when I thought I would never actually get to hang out with him and laugh with him. It was scary to think that it might not happen and it was a surprise for me to find out how sad I would be if I had never met him in the first place. And it's so ironic and a sort of slap on the face after I tried so hard not to let myself get involved with anyone or even think of anyone. Now... Well... I just find myself thinking of him all the time. I can't even sleep! He's slowly driving me insane and getting under my skin. Is it a good thing? Only time will tell... But it sure does feel good.

As I was saying, I woke up feeling pretty awesome. I got in my car and made my way to work. It's a long and time consuming drive but so far it always was a pretty standard drive. Except for today... There was some sort of oil spill on the road and I lost control of my car. I managed to not drive down the bloody mountain but it was enough to scare the crap out of me. It was only for a second... But during that one second all the possibilities flashed before me and I saw so much of what I would miss... And I realized that everything can be lost in just one second. We are mortal, not gods. That split second made me aware of so much and it scared me. The feeling I woke up with was muffled by fear. I was shaking... My whole body was trembling. But I didn't even stop the car. I just kept on going because... Well... Because if I actually stopped the car I would have cried uncontrollably and I didn't have time for that. And now I'm about to clock in still thinking of him but not feeling as cocky as I did this morning.

Walk on

Lets get real for a moment... about love, that is. It's hard to find love. Sometimes you think you found it only to realize it was just an illusion. You might think you're in love and it's only the longing to be loved and love someone that tricks your mind into thinking that you're in love. Sometimes you actually start to believe you're in love but the other person is just comfortable with you and doesn't even bother to actually look for "the right one". The other person might be involved with you and a string of other "wrong ones". Because... you know... twice as much love is always better than none. Even if it's not actually love. Sometimes you actually feel love for someone but that person isn't ready or isn't the person you're supposed to be. There are so many variables to take into account. It's insane anyone ever finds love. I don't even see myself falling in love anymore. I don't see myself being happily in love with someone in the future. I can't see myself being happy or in love. I guess I've exhausted all my trials and there's no backsies! You can't take anything back. Once your heart gets broken enough times you're more than ready to call it quits. But it's fine. One can lead a perfectly reasonable and content life. That's my goal now. I know most people are used to me writing all these kinds of doomed love poems but I don't think I have any of those left in me. I don't know what kind of poetry I'll write in the future or if I'll ever get through this writer's block but I don't think it'll be about the most exquisite pain - love. I'm probably never going to write poetry again. You might ask me how I know this... well... I know this just as much as I know that I'll never love again. Even though I've never actually felt the kind of love you read about in books and see in the movies... I have loved. In my own way. When I was a young girl in my teens love was urgent. When I was in my twenties love was messy and confusing. And now... Love was supposed to be patient and kind. But it isn't. It just keeps getting messier and it keeps getting more and more confusing. And I know I'll never love again. I know I'll never feel like that again.

I've had some relationships. They've all ended. Some badly and others with mutual agreement. Some were long and others lasted what seemed like a minute. Some unforgettable... Others you forget. And some you wish you could forget. The unforgettable make you wonder "what if?" and they make you daydream and wish you had done certain things differently. The ones you forget were rebounds, the ones that lasted but a second. And the ones you wish you could forget are the huge mistakes you wish you could take back or fix. I've had all of these at one point or another in my life. And after some time reflecting on all the relationships I've had I can surely affirm that none were the kind of love that time sits still for. None were epic love stories like you read in books or see in movies. None felt at any point like forever. And I so wanted for at least one of them to have been a forever type love because then I could move on with my life knowing that I had lived an epic love story. Knowing that I could live out the rest of my life content and with peace of mind. But after analyzing my past love life I have come to the sad conclusion that I've never had an epic love. It's a sad realization. And there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to mend my heart and move on. I don't want to end these thoughts with the "maybe some day" hope type thing because that's the furthest thing from my mind and I don't believe that some day I'll have my epic love story. I'm actually quite sure it won't happen. Why? Because I am not open to it. I don't want it. I don't want it anymore. I'm not the silly young girl who dreamed of a fairy-tale love story. I'm not the confused young woman wearing her heart on her sleeve. I am this person... a person who is done waiting. I am a person looking forward without fear or doubt. I am a person excited to walk down this path I've been avoiding for so long. But it's time now. It's time to drop silly notions of romance and walk on.