New Year: giving in to fate

I have been silent for quite some time. A new year has come and I find myself standing still. I am forever doomed and bound to this place. A puppet for these people. The smile that once my lips formed has been smacked from my face by fate. The light in my eye has been snuffed by circumstance. The sounding laughter silenced by a bleek future. My shape is not my own anymore. I have given the reign of my life to destiny. I am not myself anymore. This is what the new year brought me: an understanding... an awareness. You can't fight fate. It's pointless! It's like fighting against the strong current of the sea: eventually your arms will tire and you will stop fighting. You will accept your fate. I accept mine. So I don't know if I'll keep on writting because I find that there really isn't a point... I have succumbed to fate and have no will to keep on fighting it. That is what the new year taught me. There is no "hopefully", "eventually" or "maybe". I have no more imagined paths to write to let me keep on clinging to hope. There are no more dreams left within me to share. My imagination as died. My soul withered. My lips are numb and my fingers to dry and cold to keep on writting passionate make-believe stories. There are no happy endings. You are born naked and alone... and to the after life you are sent naked and alone. The in between is pointless and cruel. Too painful to recall. Better left unsaid as untouched versions of the truth. I don't pretend to know everything. Actually I think I know nothing... I just woke this new year with a sense that something inside me as finally broken... after everything I've been trhough it was the glimpse of another pointless new year that finally brought me to my knees. The past 5 years I've felt like I am standing still while the rest of the world is pushing forward at a speed that is mind-numbing painful and blinding. Everything, everyone I held dear moved on. I don't know if it is I who couldn't move on with them or if they just left me behind. I guess maybe a little bit of both. I know I am stuck but I don't know why... I want to move forward but I can't. There is no sane explanation as to why I won't allow myself to push on. I am tired... tired and worn out. We are two days into the new year and I am feeling more tired than ever I did before. Maybe my giving in to fate will put my mind at ease and allow me some rest.

Xmas Eve...

So... it's Xmas Eve... it's 10:46 p.m. and we're all relaxing in our living-room. My son is wicked hyper jumping aroun asking to open xmas presents... we're watching midnight mass... I remembered a concert I went to in Oporto at the "casa da música". I went to see th king's choir. It was so beautiful it brought tears to my eyes. My father says the choir on TV is much better but as I'm listening to the king's choir on youtube... the choir on tv just pales by comparison even though the pope is present. I think they should have gone with the king's choir. My sister just asked me where the music was coming from I told it was me playing the king's choir on youtube but she still doesn't "get it". I think she'llnever understand... I think no one will never understand. And now (my mom is already in bed) we're debating religion... my dad is a very devout catholic and I am not. I believe in God but I don't believe in catholiscm. I think it's an abomination! It goes against all scriptures! Read the bible! I think people are just numb and tired from all the bullshit they go through life... so much so that they're not even in tune to what's going on in the world. They don't have a clue to what's going on... why? because the Vatican only tells you what you want to hear... what makes you feel better. That's what catholicsm is all about. As long as you "pay" for your sin, you're garanteed a place in heaven. And you know what? If that's the way it's going to be I'd rather go to hell than be in heaven with such people. I think I could neve STAND it! I can't even stand being here on earth with such people... imagine me... waling around in heave... surrounded by fucking hypocrits and popes and priests... child-molesters and adulterers... and... I don't even want to go there... you know why? because every year I go there and it never leads me anywhere... it just gets me a little (a shit load of more) pissed off at catholics. They fucking go to church, they pray and chant, and they come out and talk about what someone was wearing and every move they made and what they said when they left church and what car they were driving... all that fucking bullshit that doesn't matter... all the bullshit that doesn't affect the world... all the bullshit that would be best directed to subjects that DO matter! To people that DO matter... I just don't have the energy anymore... I wore everyone else (and myself) out. At this point... everyone has gone to bed. It's just me and my son... he's watching cartoons... I'm writing you guys. Why? I have no idea... it's Xmas eve... but I just paused a minute trying to "think" of the meaning of this day... and you know what? I haven't found one... It used to mean something years ago... now it just means you have to spend a shitload of money to keep everyone happy. Presents are the meaning of Xmas... more crudely, SPENDING MONEY is the meaning of Xmas... when did it become all about the mullah? When will it go back to spending time with family, sharing a meal, celebrating the birth of Jesus (s many of you well know wasnt on december)? Sometimes I feel like no one else in the world understands what I feel or think... and that makes me feel lonely and sad. I wish there were other people ut there that could understand what I am talking about.
I usually post an image with... I just paused a long while because... well... to tell th truth... it's xmas.

I am still here...

It's almost Xmas... I am surrounded by people, friends, family, co-workers, but I feel more alone than ever before. Is it me? Or is it them? I know I never quite fit in anywhere... I never really felt part of my famiy, of my group of friends... I've always been the loner, the outsider. It's like all my thoughts, ideas, beliefs are frowned upon and I can't understand why. Why is it wrong to feel or think the way that I do? Why is it that I am weird because I think for myself or have diferent opinions or perceive things differently? Why is that? If you're not part of the heard your just cast aside and forgotten. And so you just have to push forward and hope that someday you'll find someone who is as lonely and "weird" as you are to keep you company. But what if there isn't anyone around as fucked up and lonely as you are? Well... I guess then you're screwed. But still... even then you should just keep pushing forward and smile. Maybe the universe will take pitty and throw something nice your way. At least that's what I'm hoping... One thing all you sheep should realize: I'm here to stay! I'm not going anywhere... I AM STILL HERE!

a murder of crows

I was driving to work today and a murder of crows was flying ahead... it was like they were making way for me to pass. It felt... I have no idea how it felt. It was a bit odd... like something was taken from me and the crows were trying to warn me of troubles not far ahead. I guess I feel like the life I was supposed to be living was taken from me. It's like I'm not myself. I am a zombie... shaped and molded by society. It's funny... I've always fought to be able to express my own opinions and think for myself... to stay strong and fight for what I believe to be right... to respect others for who they are. I so wanted to be myself... but I don't know who I am. The only consistincy in my life is the fact that I don't know who I am. I feel stuck. I feel like a prisoner trapped in a dark underground dungeon who lost all hope of ever seing the sun again. Why is it that everything I ever had gets ripped from my hands? and I try so hard to hold on to whatever that when someone, be it fate or an actual person, rips it from my hand thy also tear my fingernails off and I am left bloody on the floor crying and feeling lost. Love was taken from me. I was fine because I had a job and I dove right into it. But now that too is slowly being taken away by other people who are absolute idiots that couldn't ever tell their asses from their faces. It really ticks me off that I spent time and money studying at one of the best universities of this fecking country only to be pushed around by such idiots that had to "buy" their degree. I keep telling myself "just breathe" but it's getting harder and harder to keep focus because everyone around me wants to see me fall. You might think that I'm paranoid but if you only knew what I go through everyday of my boring pathetic life you would be completely insanely paranoid... maybe even check yourselves in a mental institution. And I think about how I used to be... I used to be fun and happy... I was lively and had a spark in my eye. But now I just feel dead inside. I am always tired and sad... I am always mad at the world. Why is that? I used to be a people's person but people let me down so many times... I have no faith in people anymore. I don't trust anyone. I sometimes don't even trust myself. And so now I walk this world alone... with a fake smile on my face and sadness in my eyes.

your love is a drug

your love is a drug I can't kick
it's madness bottled up inside
I want to leave but I can't quit
it's embarrasment I can't hide
It's too much for me
to remember it all,
not to have what I see
to stumble and fall
and wallow in misery
time slips through my fingers
and I'm not yet free
my heart still lingers
hopeful and wide-eyed
waiting for forever
but I just realized
I'm just waiting for never...

We the people

A bunch of liars
sitting across your table
promising your all desires
but they're nothing but a fable

they smile and wave
but they're hungry
for the money they shave
from people like me

democracy is a whore
servicing the rich
she'll never be like before
she'll always be a bitch

politicians are like lovers
they tell you what you want to hear
but they whisper sweet nothings to others
while you think you're the only "dear"

they roam the land
in their luxuary cars
kissing babies holding hands
leaving open scars

and we the people suffer
while their purses grow
our lives get tougher
while they put on a show

so they can distract us
but I am aware of all
wake up! we need progress!
and not politicians that crawl

into office thirsty for power
raping the land, murdering hope
turning sweet to sour
throwing us people down a slippery sloap.

This is our history now
but we have power to change it
they only take what we allow
we must unite what they have split.

a gift...

there are no words to describe what's inside
there aren't enough tears for me to cry
and this burning heart beats a mile a minute
and stops with just one sigh...

when there aren't enough hands to hold you
up to the sky weightless like a balloon
searching everywhere for some place new
don't worry, you'll find your place soon

when you close your eyes and see nothing
you know your imagination is long gone
and you try with your last breath to cling
to everything you were and have done

but then you open your eyes
and the light burns
and you realize
the world always turns

and you're not who you thought
but you're not who you wanted
you're not the people you fought
and you're not haunted...

you're living someone else's life
and you always feel like a stranger
walking the edge of a sharp knife
constantly looking out for danger

but this is your real story
and this is your own life to live
there is no shining or faded glory
just this broken heart to give...

It'll beat for thee...

once ripe with love
now withered and empty
a heart that pumps blood
shouldnt break so easily
but time plays tricks
and ensnared me in it's web
with a broken heart I can't fix
and a sea of tear I shed
the sound it made
was such sweet music
why it had to fade
and make me sick
is a strange mistery
a desperate lost cause
that suddenly hit me
and brought out my flaws
This heart is now a stone
cold and hard to the touch
to each his own
to me not much
Such a heart is hard to mend
too much time has passed
too many rules to bend
too much blood to bleed
but if it ever beats again
it'll beat for thee...

Before & After - color splashing

I'm sorry

I am sorry it took me years to awake
and realize what I lost...
I am sorry I couldn't see before
I was blinded by the drugs
and all the parties
I am sorry I mistreated you
You were the only one who would
stay for the aftermath
and held my hair when I got sick
You would spend your nights awake
while I slept off my drunkeness
You stuck by me through the bad
I am sorry you had to nurse me
and I could never give you the good.
I am sorry I never said "thank you"
and I am sorry I never said "I love you"
All that I was died when you left
but I was too proud to call you up.
I was too afraid you wouldn't answer.
I was too scared you might come back
and I'd screw up all over again.
I never wanted you to carry my baggage
for it is mine alone to carry.
I never wanted to hurt you
I just wanted to hurt myself.
And so I did.
I'm sorry I never told you
how I felt.
I am sorry you'll never know.
I'm sorry I loved you
and let you go...
But when you love someone
you set them free.
And so I did.
Now you're happy.
And I'm glad I got out of the way
I'm glad I never gave you reasons to stay
But I feel sorry for myself
for I will never know love
like the love you gave me.
And now I can see...
it's far too late
but I just had to write it.
I had to let go...
so that I can continue to grow.
And maybe someday
I'll be able to say
"I love you too"...