Breathe. Smile. Live

An endless string of cloned tomorrows is what lies ahead. I guess it'a the same old problem: wrong place, wrong time, wrong life... I lay in bed at night sleepless, restless, hopeless... thinking of what might have been and what could be. Dreams and possibilities that dissipate each morning when I wake. Yet the beauty of such dreams stick on me like glue and live in the back of my head alowing me to see an alternate world and infinite possibilities. Many of those that read my blog have this feeling that I am in deep agony or that I'm stuck. The truth is I am stuck because I just let myself fall into a rutt. I am so used to the mellancoly I don't think I know how to be happy. But I'm willing to learn. And that's why I keep on waiting and hoping. I sit by the window and stare up at the moon thinking of another time, another world, another reality... I close my eyes and I swear I can feel the moonlight shine on my face and it makes me smile. I'm not in pain. I'm not grieving. I'm just lonely and still waiting to feel whole. I don't know if I'll ever find what I'm looking for. I actually have no idea what it is I'm looking for but deep inside I know that when I do find it (or it finds me) I'll know... and everything will make sense. Everything I lived would have been worth it. So... I guess this is me. Now. Stripped of the past. Stripped of obssessions. The beautiful fake veil I've woven over the years has been lifted and I can now see clearly. I am open to the universe and welcome all possibilities. The beauty of life is living and not just sitting around watching it pass by. But it's also a path of your own that you have to choose. No one can show you the way and no one can tell you when it's time to take it. No one can tell you or ask you to live. You'll have to want to live because if it isn't your own choice it's pointless and you'll end up back where you started - numb and alone. The universe is an intricate tapestry of signs you have to learn to decifre. You have to open your eyes and take it all in. Just breathe. Smile. Live. Don't dwell in the past. The past is over. There's no way to go back... and even if you could go back would you really change anything? Because I wouldn't. If you even considered that just think: would you be the person you are today if things would have been diferent? And would you even like the person you'd be? The true question is: do you like yourself as you are? I have an answer for that particular question: I do like myself. The problem is that some people don't. They don't like that I think for myself. They don't like the way I dress. They don't like that I speak up for myself. And they certainly don't like that I am an educated person with original thoughts and ideas that I pass on. At first I would get very mad and take it very personally. I'd throw fits and have panic attacks because, even though most of you might not admit it, having people dislike you for such idiotic reasons hurts. And for a long time it would get to me. But after a while I started to realize that small minded people have small minded thoughts and stolen ideas they spew out like it's their own. And it just clicked! Who really cares what idiots say or think? I'm certainly not going to waist my time feeling like crap because some bitch with the lowest IQ in the history of the world decided to stab me in the back at work. Why should I lower myself to their standards? Most of them can't even write or have an original tought. If I ever think of them is to feel sorry for how stupid and small minded they are. So my resolutions for this year (yes, I know... I'm a bit late) are to let go of the past, stop obssessing, mellow out and ignore people that would see me fall or that make me feel bad about myself. I'm not perfect. I have many flaws. But I don't make anyone feel as crappy as they've made me feel. I have lost all motivation and any will to get out of bed in the morning. But I do because I'm a tough cookie and I know that in the end a bright day is soon to come.