Talk To Me

when the world seems to end
when you feel like you can't mend
talk to me...

if you're heart is breaking
if you're soul is aching
talk to me...

when you're all alone
and feel like you're undone
talk to me...

when people bring you down
and you feel like leaving town
talk to me...

when the rain falls on you
and you're feeling blue
talk to me...

if you're tears don't fall
and you have no one to call
talk to me...

I will always be you're friend
untill the world comes to an end
so talk to me...
talk to me...

Forever You

I have an itch on my back
that no one can scratch
but you...

I have a hole in my heart
that tears me apart
and it's you...

I keep all these secrets
while my heart beats
for you...

My screams are silence
I lose my balance
because of you...

the minutes turn to hours
and I'm turning sour
waiting for you...

and I'm crying in the dark
as my soul embarks
in search of you...

my heart bursts in the air
you were not aware
it's always been you...

But now you can see
that it will always be
forever you...

happiness can wait

So now that the cat's out of the bag
I find myself at a stand-still
I feel like an old used up rag
hoping for just one last thrill...

Today my heart seems small
I pretend that the hurt is gone
but you and I know it's not gone at all
everything I thought right is wrong

Because you don't see me
in the same light that I see you
and now I don't know how to be
I am waiting for your queue...

and happiness can wait
it's waited this long and this far
my love has no expiration date
no matter where you are...

I know that now I have to be strong
as I've done throughout the years
and it never mattered how long
I cried all of these lonely tears

Because now you know... now you know
that this heart only ever beats for you
and even if there is no tomorrow
now you know what I've gone through

I'm still living in another world
waiting for you to knock on the door
waiting for your soothing words
like you whispered to me before

But happiness can wait this time
because surely you don't feel the same
but you'll always be on my mind
softly whispering your name...

the boy with the green eyes

They say love conquers all... but what does unrequited love conquer? Nothing but sorrow, a loss of feeling and sense of self. I've spent most of my life trying to get over you but every time I think I am doing fine memories and thoughts of you come creeping in like the sun seeping in through the blinds of my window. In times of great sorrow you are always with me, in my thoughts. I never had the courage to tell you how I feel because I wanted to grow up. But the truth is I am grown up but these feelings remain. I sometimes tell myself they're nothing but a sweet fantasy I created to keep me going. Other times I am frustrated because I would like the fantasy to be reality. When I am around you I can't stop smiling and when I look in your green eyes nothing else exists... it's like you and I are the only ones in the world. Your smile alone keeps me going on for days... when you speak to me happiness seems possible. But I dare not ever talk about any of this with you or anyone else. I know such feelings couldn't possibly be reciprocal so I just live each day and dream of you at night. I have know idea what the hell I am thinking most of the time. I never know where or what life will bring. But the one thing that remained constant throughout my life is this aching inside me, this silent love I hold in my heart. I have changed inside and out. Nineteen years have passed! But you remain... I am forever the teenager who feel in love with the boy with the green eyes...

standing in the shadows

Painkillers to numb the pain
sleeping pills to knock me out
pills to keep anxiety away
valium to calm me down
I am a zombie jacked up on meds
I close my eyes and numbness sets in
I wonder what goes through their heads
and on my face a sickly grin
rips through my altered face
junkie eyes staring back at you
weird senseless words spoken
and you still haven't a clue
as to why I am so broken...
The boy with the green eyes
is the boy I dream of
he haunts me and lives in my sighs
as the only perfect love.
But he has no idea who I am
the girl I was is long gone
I am now a woman and he a man
but none of us have won...
I can't deal with hardship
so I hide behind my pills
my quivering upper lip
while time stills
and guilt possesses me
for being such a coward
I only wish you could see
that I tried real hard
but couldn't walk
I am silence
I can't talk
I can't stand my own presence
so I stand in shadows
trying to push through
and no one knows
not even you
how much pain
lives within me
driving me insane
as I long to be free
but I am a pool of meds
trying to get by
watching how darnkess spreads
and waving goodbye...

backwards

You're echoing words
keep picking at my soul
I am living life backwards
The dumbest love in the world
And it does not explain how
I always go back for more
the pain that I feel now
is harder than the pain I felt before
I live in old memories
and thoughts of how I wish it would be
great epic love stories
all a big fantasy
that I must decline
still the voice inside roars
you were never mine
but I am forever yours...

Y

built up anxiety
long stored misery
shun from society
lost sobriety
have no propriety
faces are blurry
hands are blistery
in need of coffee
to cross that boundary
stumbling and deadly
pushing through free
words mumbled falsly
from a mouth so filthy
mistaken for flirty
disposition of a funny
man others see as godly
side-swept glory
decisions made hastely
I live like a gypsy
roaming humbly
trying to be free
but I'm a love junkie
sad and lonely and messy
brainwashed and loopy
always his groupie
tickling his belly
following him blindly
always the mantled bounty
all the baggage I carry
he gave to me happily
I'm alive but just barely
waiting to be free...

I wish I felt nothing

So... I know that lately I've been a bit depressing. I guess the years of running around with scissors have taken a toll. I am oficially depressed. I find myself wondering what the point is all the time. It's hard waking up in the morning and trying to think of reasons to get out of bed... or even a good reason to explain your own existence. It also doesn't help when you feel the world is against you: your family nag, you're never quite what they wanted you to be. You don't fit the mold they wanted to shape you to. The people you work with don't understand you and most the times ignore you. But you're fine with that because you know they're just a bunch of twats that couldn't come up with an original idea if it hit them on the face in the form of a fart. Your love life is inexistent. You've lost all hope of ever finding your "soul mate" (whatever the fuck that is! I think TV brainwashed us into thinking that there is such a thing with all the romantic comedies that suck balls) so you basicly don't leave the house anymore because you feel it's pointless. Why go out to a bar or whatever just to get hit on by drunks and perverts that want to get in your pants? No thank you! I have better things to do with my saturday night, thank you very much! And it includes my pajamas, chocolate and a movie. With all this hitting me at once I guess I'm just trying to find a way to deal with the fact that happiness is (or was) just an illusion. It was right in front of me a couple of times but it always goes up in smoke. And you're left behind with a shattered version of yourself that you try to put back together but you know that some pieces are hard to find and glue back together. Everytime you shatter a little piece gets lost and eventually you'll get to a point when you realize that the hole is way to big to cover up so you experiment different ways to keep people from seeing who you really are right now. I think back to my life and to where and who I am now and I came to the conclusion that I am a very good actress... I've always adapted to every situation life threw at me. I've had to reinvent myself so many times that I can't quite figure out who to be now. Who am I? One thing I know... I am the weird girl standing in the corner waiting for someone to notice her and talk to her. But that never happens. So I'm at this point that I'm alone, I have no friends, no one knows me and nobody gets the chance to bolt on me. But still there's some kind of storm or hurricane of emotions waiting to explode. I feel angry, sad, melancholic, left behind... I feel like I'm no good, that I have no use and nobody needs me... I see and hear beauty and it's so hard to bare sometimes. There's no use saying "brace yourself" because whatever hits you, it hits you so hard that you're never prepared. And then your life changes forever. The person you could have been is lost forever and you sometimes get glimpses of her (or him) in your dreams. And when you wake up it all starts again...

the boredom of being numb

It's been a couple of years since I felt like myself. I can say with certainty that I've been numbed b y all the shit that life threw at me. I think of life as one sick bitchy moneky throwing it's excrement at anyone passing by. Most people are aware that the bitchy monkey is going to throw shit at them but as usual I am the weird chick always looking at something else and not taking care or noticing the shit being thrown at me untill it hits me. So... I am covered in monkey shit right now. With all this excrement life as decided to make of my path I gained a very useful tool: numbing out the pain. I numb myself to anything bad. It's like I'm a robot and I have an on/off switch. So much so that I broke it and now it's constantly off. So now I'm this numbed out freakish girl that can't smile and that no one wants to hang out with. I am the freak who doesn't feel. The flesh and bone robot that life and society made. I so fought against becoming this person but in the end... they won. But I must confess that a little bit of the wild child is still buried deep inside and sometimes comes out to freak out the fucking conformist assholes who put me on a working-class zombie leash. I have a lot of anger rooted deep within and I'm afraid that one day I'll explode and it'll come oozing out soiling everyone around me... and won't that be a pretty sight! It'll be a big fucking slap of a smile on my face! But for now I am this numb little shadow of the person I once thought I'd be... I'm a cheap version of the person I was meant to be. I have been so numb for so long that it just got boring. And you know what? There is nothing worst in the whole wide world than boredom. Boredom is death. I have to break through this fucking wall I put up but I have no idea where to begin... I know, I know... I should begin with the begining. But the truth is I don't know where the begining begins and where the end ends... I can't make heads and tails of my life so I just set it on cruise control and have become one sick puppy just going along with the ride life or fate or whatever it is programmed for me. Maybe I should fucking punch the cruise control out until it short circuits and take control of this shity life myself. Because... you know what? I can't really screw up more than I already have. So I guess I'll just put aside this fear of failure and give it a go. As Muad'Dib (the movie Dune - which else?) said: "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."

New Year: giving in to fate

I have been silent for quite some time. A new year has come and I find myself standing still. I am forever doomed and bound to this place. A puppet for these people. The smile that once my lips formed has been smacked from my face by fate. The light in my eye has been snuffed by circumstance. The sounding laughter silenced by a bleek future. My shape is not my own anymore. I have given the reign of my life to destiny. I am not myself anymore. This is what the new year brought me: an understanding... an awareness. You can't fight fate. It's pointless! It's like fighting against the strong current of the sea: eventually your arms will tire and you will stop fighting. You will accept your fate. I accept mine. So I don't know if I'll keep on writting because I find that there really isn't a point... I have succumbed to fate and have no will to keep on fighting it. That is what the new year taught me. There is no "hopefully", "eventually" or "maybe". I have no more imagined paths to write to let me keep on clinging to hope. There are no more dreams left within me to share. My imagination as died. My soul withered. My lips are numb and my fingers to dry and cold to keep on writting passionate make-believe stories. There are no happy endings. You are born naked and alone... and to the after life you are sent naked and alone. The in between is pointless and cruel. Too painful to recall. Better left unsaid as untouched versions of the truth. I don't pretend to know everything. Actually I think I know nothing... I just woke this new year with a sense that something inside me as finally broken... after everything I've been trhough it was the glimpse of another pointless new year that finally brought me to my knees. The past 5 years I've felt like I am standing still while the rest of the world is pushing forward at a speed that is mind-numbing painful and blinding. Everything, everyone I held dear moved on. I don't know if it is I who couldn't move on with them or if they just left me behind. I guess maybe a little bit of both. I know I am stuck but I don't know why... I want to move forward but I can't. There is no sane explanation as to why I won't allow myself to push on. I am tired... tired and worn out. We are two days into the new year and I am feeling more tired than ever I did before. Maybe my giving in to fate will put my mind at ease and allow me some rest.