where I belong

Old memories are like roots of a century old tree wrapping around certain parts of your brain. They grow and dig in deeper when you least expect it. New memories pale in comparison. New memories are like birds nesting in the century old tree... eventually they grow and fly away. They also sometimes die. But the tree... the tree remains. Silently growing. Deepening it's roots. And the tree may live a long life unless the forest where it lives is burnt down... or if man decides he needs it's wood for something and cuts it down. I've been cut down many times. I've cried oceans of tears. I felt my heart crack and shatter into a thousand million pieces. I've been rejected and humilliated. I've been let down many times. But I am still here! I am resilient. I shall always stand on my own two feet and scream: "is that all you got?" - just like the heroin in some stupid hollywood action movie. I am a mighty oak tree and even if you cut me down I'll always leave behind roots that will sprout up again to regain their ground. I'll be a memory to be reckoned with... just like you are. Your roots have overpowered my mind... sometimes I can't tell the difference between memory and dream. But it doesn't bother me much because memory or dream they're the only pleasure I have left so I hold on to them with a smile. As I drift off every night I am full of hope but when I awake the next morning I am filled with dispair. It's like some sort of twisted version of the tooth fairy visits me every night and sprinkles me with unhappiness... or some succubus sucks the life and happiness out of me. Whatever it is it's driving me insane. I wish I could have one night of perfect slumber maybe then I could start to see things a bit more clearly and I could start to put my life back together. I feel like somehow I hit the pause button on my life or I'm caught in some sort of wacked out loop. Where do I go from here? I'm stuck and I don't know what to do next. I wish I had some sort of wizard of Oz to guide me or to help me realize stuff... I am really tired... I can't remember the last time I had a decent night's sleep. I really can't think straight right now... My brain is kind of crashing and I feel like I'm slipping in and out of myself. Hopefully this post will make some sense to a few of you... who ever is reading this. I hear the music far away and the birds... I see the setting sun. I hear a dog barking. It's a peaceful countryside scenery. But I feel like there is a piece missing. Or maybe I'm an extra piece in this puzzle that doesn't quite fit. I close my eyes and take it all in... I try to feel like I belong. But I don't. I wish I knew where I belong...

I Want You - Tom Waits

So... this is one of my fav Tom Waits songs. I've been listening to it quite a lot lately. Don't know why. I guess I've got the blues. I'm missing something I never had. This song lets me dream of what love actually is. So here it goes! Enjoy.

Breathe. Smile. Live

An endless string of cloned tomorrows is what lies ahead. I guess it'a the same old problem: wrong place, wrong time, wrong life... I lay in bed at night sleepless, restless, hopeless... thinking of what might have been and what could be. Dreams and possibilities that dissipate each morning when I wake. Yet the beauty of such dreams stick on me like glue and live in the back of my head alowing me to see an alternate world and infinite possibilities. Many of those that read my blog have this feeling that I am in deep agony or that I'm stuck. The truth is I am stuck because I just let myself fall into a rutt. I am so used to the mellancoly I don't think I know how to be happy. But I'm willing to learn. And that's why I keep on waiting and hoping. I sit by the window and stare up at the moon thinking of another time, another world, another reality... I close my eyes and I swear I can feel the moonlight shine on my face and it makes me smile. I'm not in pain. I'm not grieving. I'm just lonely and still waiting to feel whole. I don't know if I'll ever find what I'm looking for. I actually have no idea what it is I'm looking for but deep inside I know that when I do find it (or it finds me) I'll know... and everything will make sense. Everything I lived would have been worth it. So... I guess this is me. Now. Stripped of the past. Stripped of obssessions. The beautiful fake veil I've woven over the years has been lifted and I can now see clearly. I am open to the universe and welcome all possibilities. The beauty of life is living and not just sitting around watching it pass by. But it's also a path of your own that you have to choose. No one can show you the way and no one can tell you when it's time to take it. No one can tell you or ask you to live. You'll have to want to live because if it isn't your own choice it's pointless and you'll end up back where you started - numb and alone. The universe is an intricate tapestry of signs you have to learn to decifre. You have to open your eyes and take it all in. Just breathe. Smile. Live. Don't dwell in the past. The past is over. There's no way to go back... and even if you could go back would you really change anything? Because I wouldn't. If you even considered that just think: would you be the person you are today if things would have been diferent? And would you even like the person you'd be? The true question is: do you like yourself as you are? I have an answer for that particular question: I do like myself. The problem is that some people don't. They don't like that I think for myself. They don't like the way I dress. They don't like that I speak up for myself. And they certainly don't like that I am an educated person with original thoughts and ideas that I pass on. At first I would get very mad and take it very personally. I'd throw fits and have panic attacks because, even though most of you might not admit it, having people dislike you for such idiotic reasons hurts. And for a long time it would get to me. But after a while I started to realize that small minded people have small minded thoughts and stolen ideas they spew out like it's their own. And it just clicked! Who really cares what idiots say or think? I'm certainly not going to waist my time feeling like crap because some bitch with the lowest IQ in the history of the world decided to stab me in the back at work. Why should I lower myself to their standards? Most of them can't even write or have an original tought. If I ever think of them is to feel sorry for how stupid and small minded they are. So my resolutions for this year (yes, I know... I'm a bit late) are to let go of the past, stop obssessing, mellow out and ignore people that would see me fall or that make me feel bad about myself. I'm not perfect. I have many flaws. But I don't make anyone feel as crappy as they've made me feel. I have lost all motivation and any will to get out of bed in the morning. But I do because I'm a tough cookie and I know that in the end a bright day is soon to come.

You'll Miss Me...

Inside me there's a darkness
that I disguise as sorrow
so I can forget the bleakness
of a string of same tomorrows
this darkness inside of me
consumes everyone in it's path
it won't ever set me free
from it's evil and it's wrath
and this fire that burns
turning love into ash,
turning sighs into spurns
a heart thrown to the trash.
this everlasting emptiness
swallows me up whole
diving into darkness
and forever losing my soul.
I slowly close my eyes
and try to cry
for feelings to arise
moments before I die.
But it's just a dream
and I slowly awake
with the sound of my own scream
reality made fake
by dreams that torment
a mind slowly breaking
with smiles unspent
and a heart that's aching...
But the darkness within
slowly takes over
like a second skin
like a suit of armor.
The fire inside still burns
evil laughter drowns out sigh
but time still turns
forcing me to say goodbye.
I'm a hollowed old puppet
hung by bloody and fleshy strings
I was never your favorite
I never did pluck your heartstrings.
So I dive into the darkness
and I'll let myself be
eaten by it's blackness
but you'll miss me... you'll see!

Inner Darkness

I've got the cure
for the pain you endure
I've got the remedy
for every malady
I have hate
to clean the slate
I have late night fridays
to clear past memories
I can cure any disease
you wish to appease...
I can take away the pain
I can make you smile again!
I can make you feel
like nothing is real
I'll take you on a trip
all you have to do is slip...
we have met before
let us talk once more
You know who I am
I am the damned...
the voice in the back of your head
that you always dread...
I am one you once despised
I am the devil in disguise.

Pain Remains the Same

I try to scream and I try to shout
but my voice has been muted by the way you acted
I am trapped within myself and I'm reaching out
through the wires of a heart I disconnected.
Can you live with the pain that you felt before
can you accept what fate has in store
will you be able to bare
breathing someone else's air
and living someone else's love?
can you be the one he thinks of?
Can you be the ghost they want you to be?
can you close your eyes and pretend not to see?
You're not living you're just watching life pass by
You're not listening and you believe every lie
You're an empty shell, numb, broken
you have a hole inside because your heart's been stolen
you know you'll never be chosen
you know you'll never be the one
you know it all but still you hope
because you can't cope
the truth is like a blinding light
cuting through the dark night...
and the shadows love you
because the world discards you.
Your eyes are windows to another world
that exists within your soul
you laugh you cry you smile you scream
his gaze invades your dreams
you're silent you're broken you're torn
you're wishing you were never born
you curse who cursed you
but you can't stop feeling blue
nothing you say and nothing you do
will ever make you stop feeling blue
it's useless and it's pointless
to blame the blameless
there is no one to blame
no one to share the shame
It's all your own doing, your creation
never a fragment of imagination
It was all real and time never stood still
and a broken heart is hard to fill
if you can't stop and mend it first
then you can quelch the thirst
and you can smile again...
and right there and then
you can forget about the pain
even though the pain remains the same.

Pieces

I am dying on the inside
buried by what I want to hide
I'm not ready for the closeup
because I am all messed up
can you show me how to be
someone else that isn't me
I got lost inside myself
I want to be someone else
Can you take away the pain
i got caught up in the rain
that keeps falling down on me
can you please just set me free
won't someone shine a light
to cut through the endless night
Can you please help me to see
the person that I should be
Save me from myself
let me be someone else
I never wanted to be
the person that I bury
Under layers of guilt
and the prison I built
is slowly crumbling down
as I have another meltdown.
And people are paper dolls
shielded from the rainfalls
I cut them with the pieces
of my broken heart that cringes
every time I close my eyes
I can hear a thousand sighs
echoing through time
like a wind blows a chime.
I can't feel I am empty
and I don't know who to be
I can't be someone else
but I can't be myself...
Can you hear me?
Can you see me?
seal my fate with a kiss
so my life ends in bliss.
Can you taste me?
Can you feel me?
close your eyes and breathe
you are now free...
I thought I'd live forever
But there's only never
and there's only this
and everything that I missed.
I thought there'd be laughter
I thought there'd be an after
I thought my heart could mend
I never thought it would end...
I thought I was immortal
but life ends after all
and nothing's left behind
even love that you can't find.
I never knew who to be
and you could never see
that you were everything
and now there's nothing
not one simple thought
only pieces of a broken heart...

Valentine's Day

You say your love is in a corner
I say that my love is a goner
valentine's day lasted 5 minutes
no sweet whispers or chocolates
no public displays of affection
no sudden disregard for caution
and the one I once embraced
shared words written in haste
from the other side of the screen
that stir inside me like caffeine
giving me a much needed morning kick
even when inside I am feeling sick
the day was over before it begun
every year it comes as a burden
for lost love always comes to mind
making new love harder to find.
my heart is a broken piece of glass
you try to clean up like our past
but the tiny pieces you can't see
will forever make you think of me.
It's just another day that passes by
the pain that time brings makes me cry
at each breath I clutch my chest
thinking of the one I loved best
wishing I could go back in time
and change myself and every crime.
But these dreams I must put aside
and lock aways the tears now dried
Because life is just one great show
it leads you where the wind blows
but nothing in life is random
and every thought that you abandon
was designed and mastered by fate
but you realize it all too late
and past valentine's days rush in
while your head dives in a spin
but you can see all your mistakes
and your heart slowly breaks
because all this time you were wrong
when you should have been strong
you gave away your heart
to one who tore it apart
when the one you should love
the one you should be thinking of
is patiently waiting forever
while you give him never...
Valentine's day is a curse
created by brainy commerce
It brings me nothing but sorrow
and a very painful tomorrow
brought on by plentiful booze
and all that the bar spews.
I wake up thinking: maybe next year...
Maybe true love will find me here.

No rhyme or reason

I'm not asleep but I'm not awake
I'm not real but I'm not fake
I can't move but I'm not still
this glass half empty I want to fill
It's not me and it's not you
it's not a lie and it's not true
I'm not alive but I'm not dead
can't take back what's been said
can't pretend to be myself
and I can't be someone else.
I am tough but also vulnerable
my thoughts are considerable
but my words are scarce
I'm a coward but also fierce
I'm not blind but I can't see
I'm not a prisoner but I'm not free
I'm not deaf but I can't hear
it isn't courage but it's not fear
I'm not sensitive but I feel
with this cracked heart of steel
hollow and broken by the world
I'm not empty but I have no soul
It's not the dark nor the light
and day turns into night
I watch my life passing me by
It's not silence nor a cry
There's no rhyme or reason
only the passing of each season.
It's none of the things I thought of
it's only a forgotten love...

Smiles and Sighs

Wake me from this dream
while the moon is high
I want to see it gleam
up in the dark sky.

I want to close my eyes
and feel it on my skin
like whispered sighs
after a stolen kiss...

My eyes open wide
and my lips draw a smile
and I set pain aside
and linger for a while...

But smiles and sighs
aren't enough to get by
and my soul cries
as I stumble in a lie...

My heart starts to crack
but I keep it all inside
and I can't go back
but I also can't hide.

I still have to mend
this broken heart
and put an end
to what tore it apart.

The smiles and sighs
will remain as memory
as my damp eyes
will remain angry.

Knowing what love is
was nothing but a curse
But never knowing such bliss
would have been much worse.

It's Only Love

Another sleepless night
Another way to loose fight
against my own convictions
fuelling my afflictions...
I know that you just might
restore my faith and sight
drowning all my addictions
with all of your restrictions.
All that's left is this
forgotten kissless lips
and a sigh as a love song
a wish to belong
to anywhere but here
where my feelings disappear
and you're but a dream
bursting at it's seam
letting in reality
awaking in actuality
remembering what you can't have
feeling like a lost halve
of someone waiting for forever
while you're waiting for never
And it's only love
that you're thinking of
but there's only this
aging blistered lips.
It's only love
you're waiting for
not pain, not bliss
but there's only this...

Forgotten Kiss

The world stopped
and I was safe...
but pain eavesdropped
and the world strayed
Now it can't be still
and you have gone
against my strongest will
your name shines in neon
in my shapeless mind
keeping me up at night
and I unwind and rewind
to the past out of sight...
Love should set you free
but mine is a prison
life custom made for me
at a costly bargain...
Love isn't love anymore
it's a heartless mess
nothing will be as before
for I love you more nor less
and I can't kick this drug
as I can't stop breath
from entering my lungs
nor can I charm death...
all I have is who I am
but it's not good enough
and thus a door is slammed
on what could've been love.
So love isn't love now
it's just this...
an old broken vow
a forgotten kiss.

Sigh

a smile is a dream
sight is happiness
silent is my scream
that keeps sadness
tears quelch thirst
lips bitten bleed
I saw you first
hear now my plead
as I open my arms
you can lay here
forget all alarms
forget all fears
time stands still
deep in your eyes
bent to your will
now till sunrise
a smile is a dream
and I am now waking
to the sound of my scream
and of my heart breaking
my tears are salty
can't quelch my thirst
you never looked at me
and I did saw you first
my arms are heavy
and all is forgotten
my love, my plea
all have gone rotten
time keeps on moving
but your green eyes
are still so soothing
that something in me dies
each time you come by
your smile lights up
and I fall into a sigh
like a fool falls into worship.

What You Wish For

Tonight I can't sleep
tonight I'm broken
and I can't weep
my tears are stolen
from a their song
I have been empty
for so, so long
my heart is heavy
pounding so loud
breaking through
my chest like sound
screaching cruel
painful and merciless
until you are no more
untill you're bodiless
is this what you wish for?
I am blind and heartless
a forgotten whisper
kept by the fearless
in the form of a blister
a painful reminder
of love breading sorrow
a wound that grows bigger
with each endless tomorrow.
is this what you wish for?
a broken soul in a lifeless body
might you come back for more?
see the freak they made of me
I am nothing but amusement
harmless playful jest
at such times mind is absent
to deal with such life best
is this what you wish for?
away with me and my love
from sight away with what's sore
I'm the one you'll never think of
I am but an once of flesh
rotted by fulfilled desire
caught in a fine mesh
of promises dealt with fire.
Is this what you wanted?
a hungry ghost at your door
haunting like it has been haunted
Is this what you wished for?

Restless

Restless pillow
heartless chest
fills with woe
deep and compressed.
Doesn't make a sound
just a gentle thump
keeping me bound
to this same dump
people call world.
Broken heart beats
for past memories
walking the streets
spewing ambiguities
I want to keep within
anonymous and safe
but they rip my skin
and they enchafe
the way I should!
But I am helpless.
I would if I could...
but I am spineless
and the fear rules.
This unbeating heart
was taken by fools...
But from the start
it was your own
and yours alone.

Goodbye

It's not late. I spent the whole weekend sick. To regular people it would appear I have the flu. But I know it's only heartache. I have a disease I can't cure. No amount of pills or booze can begin to make me forget or feel nothing. I wish I felt nothing. I wish I could block everything inside of me. I have a rage brewing that I fear might explode into madness. I don't want to lose all reason. I have nothing left but my mind. Sometimes I look back and realize that people always thought I was crazy or stupid. But what they don't know is that I am quite an inteligent person. I just dumb myself down so I don't end up being a target of... well... whatever evil shit these awful people can think up. But still I feel they're piercing fiery eyes upon me and I hear their spiteful words being whispered behind my back. And it hurts. I try not to let it affect me but it really does. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night wondering why I feel so wretched. I have nothing. My family hates me, I have no significant other, no friends to hang with... the music in me has faded away as well as my looks. I am just one big fat mess. A shadow. I've spent all my life trying to figure out who I am. I haven't figured it out yet. I'm not who I dreamed and I'm not who I wanted to be. I'm not who they want me to be. And I'm not who I should be. Who am I really? Who am I? I've searched high and low for a purpose trying to find myself along the way. But I found nothing. No purpose. No sense of self. Nothing... just this emptiness and silence that seem to widen the hole I have inside of me. I've lost something I never had. I miss what I never knew. I wish I could just lay in my bed and sleep. I can't remember my smile. I can't remember the sound of my own laughter. And I can't remember the last time I felt happy and safe. I feel like I am lost in some sort of neverending winter and I can't find my way towards spring. I know people say that there is someone out there for everybody. But maybe fate forgot me. Maybe I'm not meant for happiness. Maybe I'm not meant to make my way home. I am broken inside desperately hoping for a second chance but I fear I'm snowed in by thoughts of the past I can't seem to let go of. I wish I could just erase them. I feel tormented. If I open my eyes and look will there be someone there to love me? I think that tomorrow is another day... maybe it'll be the day I let go of the past and move on. I'll say my goodbyes now. I never had a chance to say it. I never had to explain because you know. You've always know. I guess you just never cared and I respect that. But now I have to go. I have to move forward and leave you behind. I'll always love you. I'll always miss you. I just can't do this sleepwalking dance anymore. So this is goodbye...

Too Late

And I looked up at the sky
with my eyes wide open
I could see it fly up high
whispering words barely spoken
It's black eye followed me
at that moment I couldn't see
What it was trying to let me know
the big black wise crow
had a message from the universe
there is no way to reverse
and go back to relive the past
once your fortune has been cast.
There is only tomorrow
so let go of old sorrow
and choose life and the living
for life isn't waiting it's just giving.
Time sometimes stands still for love
but not for me, still he's all I think of.
I am back to life but hardly living
I am in the midst of the unforgiving
they keep hanging the past over my head
I'll only be free of them when I'm dead.
I wake with him haunting my thoughts
and I lay with these feelings caught
in a random prison I have built
with bars of fear and bars of guilt
that keep me bound in my place
always wishing to see his face.
And as I lay each night to go to sleep
inside me a broken heart silently weeps
wishing that the neverending tomorrows
cease thus ending all my sorrows
and my regret would be set free
and nothing would remain not even me.
Only words unspoken left behind
that I pray one day he will find.
My fate has been foretold
by the black and wise crow.
Unrequited love lost in time
beyond reason, fate or rhyme.
A heart broken and turned to stone
youthful hope transformed into crone.
Life and happiness before my eyes
bringing more pain to my cries.
A body broken and bound standing still
slowly losing faith and all of it's will.
A mind travelling and moving through time
and a forgotten mountain I can't climb.
I am steadily being pulled towards fate
because anything else now is too late.

One Last Breath

All the little things other people can't see
are what matter the most to me...
My dreams are my own and mine alone
they're where past, present and future are shown
they're where secrets are revealed
and where my fate and yours are sealed...
A passage to another reality,
a way to avoid present misery...
The raven came to me yesterday
but it had little to say
all I know is that all is well
and there's nothing else to tell.
But soon I fear a change is near
still nothing is yet clear...
I can't sleep my heart is pounding
it's sound is loud and deafening
it foretells tears not yet shed
I hear it beating in my head
and it's driving me mad, insane
like rain that wet the floor before it came
like a madness that slowly takes over
making you always look over your shoulder
lost desires come alive in dreams
and you're awakened by your own screams
His voice, his eyes... they haunt me
like all the ghosts that taunt me
like words you know before they're spoken
like love that ends before it's taken...
I pray thee raven pluck it from my heart
because it's breaking me apart
and I can't go on like this anymore
I'm not as strong as I was before.
I am weak and I am weary
I am sad, broken and dreary
I want to lay once in love's fleece
so I can finally die in peace.
For this love I feel I died a thousand deaths
All I want is his kiss as one last breath.