emptiness

Like you I feel lost, empty, betrayed by life, alone... I try to cope with the hand destiny dealt me but I am feeling more and more outraged. This is not my life! This is not who I am supposed to be! This is not my dream... In my dream I am old and I just woke up. I go to the kitchen and brew some coffee. I walk barefoot outside with my cup of warm coffee and I stand on the porch for a few minutes. I look back at the blue door of my house and smile. I walk out in to the wet grass... it's summer but it just stopped raining and I can feel the moisture between my toes. It feels like bliss. I close my eyes and hear the birds singing as the sun tries to shine through some small clouds still hanging up in the sky. I feel his arms around me. I feel his warmth and his breath on my neck and I am safe. All I wanted was a simple country life. I never wanted to fuck up so many times... but I did. I have to deal with that now. I miss my dream. I wish I could somehow make it come true. But I know now that it's just a dream. I have to come back down to earth and live life as it comes. There is no magic nor poetry nor song that I can expect. Just this.