I WISH

I WISH YOU WOULD SEE ME

AS I AM TODAY

I WISH YOU COULD BE ME

JUST FOR ONE DAY

THE WORLD AS I KNOW IT

IS A HARD ROCK

NOT EASILY BROKEN...

I'VE BEEN DEEMED UNFIT~

NOT OF THE SAME STOCK,

NOT ONE OF THE CHOSEN.

I AM PLAIN JANE

I AM WEIRD

AND NOT VAIN

HE IS ALWAYS WITH ME

TO KEEP ME GROUNDED

TO HELP ME SEE

HOW THE WORLD IS

HAPPY AND CRUEL.

I SAY, HE SAYS...

NOTHING IS TRUE!

NOTHING IS NOTHING

AND NOTHING OOZES THROUGH...

seeing is believing

I'm way up high
I can touch the sky
I swam in the sea
but it was too early
I walked in the rain
now I smile again
and I lay in the sun
laughing and having fun.
I bathe in moonlight
and embrace the night
I touch your satin skin
and give in to sin...
Lust and greed
is what I feel...
I burn for you
a flame of blue
that never fades
burning through decades
melting and fusing
our bodies as one
cursing and refusing
to come undone.
We're molded like hot wax
into one perfect being
able to open our eyes and relax
because seeing is believing...

Last Night

Last night
I got lost in you
the fear of love
was paralyzing
the fear of loss of self
was agonizing
the fear of sadness
was mesmerizing
the fear of fear itself
breeds madness...
Past ghosts
fade in and fade out
bringing numbed doubt.
But hope creeps in
like a dark shadow
of a mad man warped in sin
that kills tomorrow...
The daze left by years that pass,
as slow or as fast as you can imagine,
breeds love and sorrow that never last.
And so we doubt what is destined...
A tired body walks the edge of a knife
doubting fate and destiny,
wondering about life
and decisions that were hasty...
A battered soul that hungers
for what is denied...
A banshee that banters
to announce someone that died...
They are all a part of me,
screaming and yearning to be free...
Love was lost and now is found
in flames of desire
that burn me to the ground
and turn into my funeral pyre...

My Love Is...

my love is a flickering light
a star that shines so bright
it's a noisy silence,
a dark brilliance,
a fire that does not burn,
a thought that doesn't turn...
it's a sane madness,
tears without sadness.
My love is blind faith,
an everlasting flame
that burns deep within
purifying past sin...
It is a steady sea
that brings you to me.
It's a whisper in the night,
an unbeatable fight.
My love is calm,
a poem, a psalm...
It is intensity
burning through eternity.
It is power,
a blissful shower...
It defies time
and a poets rhyme...
My love is blind
and laid on the line...
It is passion free of reason
it is song to every season...
It's all I think of
because you are my love...

Lost in Thought

Lost in thought
the ghost in you
wanders around lost
in a night of blue

searching for happiness
as I have sought...
escaping madness
and avoiding doubt

No sorrow nor pain,
No love nor winning,
No loss nor gain,
life is just living...

The world is deserted
as our two bodies melt
I think how I yearn for it
and this lust I never felt

takes over my being
and burns me inside
I surrender to you smiling
like an innocent child...

And falling asleep
safe from all harm
never felt so sweet
here in your arms...

the thunderstorm

The poet in me speaks louder
my words are bridges to other worlds
the thunderstorm ahead
fills my heart with dread

because destruction is at hand
and even though I do what I can
what I want and what I must
are both what I cannot trust...

Confusion brews within
I try not to give in
but this fight I cannot win...

There's no time for thought
and all I ever sought
the thunderstorm has brought...

the sun between her legs

With legs widely spread
She tries to hide the sun
crazy, insane, afraid
nervously looking for fun
the sun between her knees
is caught and it burns
everything she sees
and everything she yearns
disposable thoughts
have hidden meaning
they move within you
and silence her feelings
Liars come and go
the sun remains
broken without flow
bound to her chains...
One day she'll set it free
One day she'll let it go...
For now she still bleeds
and is full of woe...
her heart bursts out
like confetti in the air
spreading doubt
too much to bare...
the passion she craves
will never come
we're all slaves
under love's thumb...

The One

I am the girl who came from the sea
I'm the girl who doesn't know how to be...
I'm the one you want to kiss
I'm the one who'll bring you bliss...
I am the girl of your dreams
who came to silence your screams...
I'm the one you'll want to meet
with whom no one can compete...
I'm the girl who'll make you smile
the one who'll always walk that extra mile...
I'm the girl with the softest skin
the one that will make you sin...
I'm the girl you'll want to taste
I'm the one whose time you won't waste...
I'm the one you'll want by your side
I'm a girl with nothing to hide...
And I'm the one who'll always be here
always loving and sincere...
I'm the one who'll hold your hand
to walk with you on grass or sand...
I'm the one you'll pledge your life to
as I pledge mine to you...
I'm the girl you'll want to keep
the one who'll make you fall deep
into a pool of everlasting love
from which you'll never climb out of...
I'm the girl, you know it's true
I'm the only one for you...
I am the girl who came from the sea
and I'm the one who'll set you free...

Psycho Killer - Talking Heads

This is one of my favorite songs by the Talking Heads (the video is an amateur "something" I found on youtube... I was just after the song... the rest is not so relevant... you can still watch it... whatever!). I still love listening to it today. It attaches itself to your brain and you can't stop singing it... it's AWESOME! I've been mumbling it these past weeks... everywhere... even when I go grocery shopping. Will I mumble it (maybe shout it?) when I go to the dentist? Absolutely!

About the word "absolutely"... I love it! I think it's my favorite word in the whole world. I'm obsessed by it! I love saying it! It sounds... oh, soooo sexy! The way it rolls from the tip of your tongue... I keep saying it over and over and over... when I'm alone I say it out loud... when I'm around people I think it... I feel it... I sometimes even whisper it... or mumble it and people ask me "what did you say?" and I reply "nuthin"... It's my recent obsession... Am I crazy? unstable? a lunatic? psycho? who cares... I'm just me... ABSOLUTELY! :)

your silence is deafening...

The sun stings my eyes
and burns my skin
I live in a darkness
brought by sin...

your silence pierces
my broken soul
and it slowly
melts away my world

lack of words
isn't lack of feeling
you're silent
but I'm still believing...

a truth persists
yet still unknown
I'm secretly yearning
for what you've shown

I'm running from nothing
I haven't a clue
I slip into a dream
to try to find you...

Still the silence prevails
it's making me deaf
only my ghost remains
humbled by death...

I Miss You...

I miss you... My world stops when you're not around... my heart stops when I don't see you... I can't breathe when I don't hear your voice... My soul escapes my body when you're not here... Food loses taste, music loses it's magic, books are meaningless and paintings have no color... I wonder where you are and what you're doing... I wonder when you'll come again and bring me back to life...
Time stopped since you went away... everyone else is moving and I am standing still... all alone... waiting for you...

my drug buddy

Just To Find You

I move across space but time sits still
I try to make them both bend to my will
but all I do amounts to failure

I feel lost and confused without you
I wish I was a little more like you,
smiling and waving...

I wish I could be someone else
so I could be rid of myself
and put all the past behind me...

but a light cut through the darkness
pulled me out of this madness
and made me smile...

Now I want to be myself
and forget about everyone else
just to find you...

the girl who lives by the sea...

once upon a time

there was a girl who lived by the sea

she was wild and felt free...

She looked for love in all the wrong places

among all the familiar faces...

her heart was broken too many times

but still she longed

for that one true love...

She locked herself in her perfect world

but her yearning soul

hid the secret key

in plain sight, anyone can see!

But only he will know where to look

and he will claim it
and set her free...

But for now she sits quietly

looking out the window at the stars

wondering where you are...

Talking to the moon

hoping you'll come soon.

She dances around

twirling and spinning

not afraid of falling

because she has fallen for you

but it takes two...

And even though he might never come

she still hopes by the window

as time moves on slow.

And so the girl who lives by the sea

wearing her heart on her sleeve

screams: "it beats for thee, my love, for thee!"

with just one kiss...

I run around my thoughts

and find you there

waiting for me to see

through years of prayer

that in your arms

is where I should be.

Your smile disarms

the sadness in me.

Your eyes are a window

to a world of desire

that I secretly borrow

and it sets me on fire.

I burn for one touch

I close my eyes

but I can't sleep much.

I can no longer desguise

this fire within

and dreams of you

touching my skin

and diving deep into

my burning soul

cutting through desire

and unknown worlds

to put out this fire

with just one kiss...

In his arms

In my dreams we meet each night
and we burn in eternal fire...
I embraced perfection and light
as I dreampt of desire.
There is no past, no future
Only present... in his arms.
When his hand touches my cheek
distant memories fade away
and nothing else exists but us
and this bed on which we lay
naked and understanding love
for the very first time...
My small and cold fingertips
ran tiredly through his body.
I kissed his soft lips
and much deserved bliss rushed in
like the high tide that submerges
the seashore that we should walk...
"Why must we wake?" - you asked
I held you stronger in my arms
and with eyes wide open
I could see the brightness
that his perfect soul gleams.
A sense of peace invades me
when I dream of his sweet voice.
And looking in his eyes
when we are making love
time stands still and lays down
and silence is filled with sound
heaven is here in his arms...

Longing...

If I could shed the world I would fly to you and perfection would be at my fingertips... A work of art before me that I would spend hours gazing upon it's beauty... I would close my eyes and listen to your voice and I would just think to myself: "wow!". Though we are miles apart you are always with me... in my thoughts... in my heart. And if I could change the world I would make it so we could be together.... laugh together... sit together in silence... watch movies together... and I could finally look into your eyes and say: "everything is going to be alright"... If I could change the world... I would make it so. Loneliness would not be a word we would know much about. It would be a distant memory... And if I had my way I would always stand with you... against all odds!

But for now... I only see you in my dreams... and even there your voice soothes me. I hear you calling out for me and I always wake up restless and powerless because I haven't the power to move across time and space... If I had such power... I would move mountains and cut through time to be with you... we would melt into one and we would live forever...

Passion Begins

title: Passion Begins

With eyes closed,
and a racing heart
secrets are disclosed
and torn apart...
I crawl out of bed
on hand and knee.
Waking from the dead
brought back to reality.
You live in every breath,
and in every thought
born from the depth
of this soul caught,
once more, by feeling.
No more room for sorrow
nor death's dealing.
There is only tomorrow...
Wonder invades,
warmth creeps in.
Sadness fades
as passion begins...

Whole

All the ghosts that haunted me are hidden now... I fought them for so long that now every battle seems pointless and trivial. Why do we always let ourselves be haunted by the past? It took me a long time to learn how to move on and look forward. I guess before I couldn't actually see into the future... or maybe I just didn't look forward or have any expectations. I always moved around a lot looking for something I don't actually need. I needed to feel whole and always looked and yearned for something... anything... nothing... it was a pointless search. Something inside me was crying and fueling this fiery quest I threw myself onto... I don't have any more energy to waste on such an empty quest. It's time for my feet to stand still in one place.

There's no bitterness... no sorrow... no sadness... Only hopes for the future. A secret knowledge buried deep inside that everything will turn out the way it's supposed to. I can't wait to see what's in store for me... Happy songs are ahead, I'm sure of it! I have friends and I have music... I live well and am employed... so why all this belly-aching? It's time to look at all the positive things and forget about the past. It's time to apreciate all the small things everyone overlooks like a flower growing in the wild, a butterfly fluttering through trafic, a baby smilling on a line at the supermarket... stuff like that always lifts the heaviness from our hearts. And right now, it's what I'm concentrating on to dissolve this pain inside me that I've had for years... The yearning... it's still here... but I put it away! It's safely locked in a box that I keep on the back of my head. It'll come out again someday... or maybe not. Maybe I'll find a way or someone that'll actually end it. And then... before I know it... I'll feel whole again...

last flowers - radiohead

I love this song... :)

treasure - the cure

I can stand on my own...

I am serene... I stand on my own two feet and I don't need another person to validate my existence. I can be happy by myself and my friends will keep me company... if not, I will get a cat. I can sit in absolute silence and not feel feel afraid or lonely. I can dance in the rain and not wait for someone to bring me a towel... I will get my own. I don't need anyone to laugh at my jokes because I already know they're funny. I don't need anyone to listen to me sing because I have my friend Jisas and he always listens! I don't need someone to read my poetry and tell me that it's great because it's not about being great, it's about pouring out my soul. I never did need anyone to hold back my hair as I puke my guts out because I'm shitfaced (I never did get that plastered and I have really short hair...). I don't need someone to rub my neck when I'm sore, I can take a pill or rub it myself. I don't need anyone to take a bubble bath with and talk about trivialities... I can take a bath on my own and sing to myself and I have the internet to talk to people about anything. I really don't need to get my heart broken over and over again because of all the lies people tell me. I can watch the world news for that... I don't need anyone to talk me to sleep because I can fall asleep watching the discovery channel. I don't need someone to tell me everything's going to be alright because I already know it can't get any worse... things can only get better. I don't need you to ask how my show was and I don't need you to tell me I look nice. I don't need you to ask me how I am and I don't even need you on my contact list anymore. Actually, I don't need you at all! You're just a memory... not a bad one and not a good one... just a memory (that'll fade away with time).

TOMORROW - SATURDAY NIGHT

Don't Miss IT!!!

Tomorrow, saturday night... at 11 p.m. Lola Katz (me) & Rui Damião (my friend Jisas) playing live at Espaço Performas in Aveiro! Don't miss this acoustic session cuz it's going to be pretty groovy, my friends!

WE ROCK

\m/ \m/

Bored on a train...

painting by Frida Kahlo

I've been pretty out of it this past week... I've found out some things... well... I had a bit of drama in my life these past weeks that made me realize a number of things about myself... and my life. I realized that I've made some (really) bad decisions, bad choices that I can't take back. I can learn from my mistakes (and how I did learn!) and try to move on. I'm trying to figure out the equation for happiness... but it's a bitch! It's really hard! And I've always been terrible at math... I've always functioned on a trial by error basis but it hasn't been working very well... I guess I'll have to go back to the drawing board... start all over. I need a fresh perspective. I really need a vacation! I need to get away from this mind-crippling routine... My mind is tired... so tired that I keep making all these bad choices! I date the wrong person over and over again... I let myself get destroyed over and over again because I keep letting myself ease in to stupid situations that have no hope of ever developing into something... well... what is it they call it? "more"? Yeah... that's it... into something more. Maybe, in my subconcious mind, that's really what I'm aiming for - nothing! It's no big deal, though... because now that I've figured out I've been sabotaging myself I can now actually lay back and think more about all this shit... and try to make the right decisions. :) It's a step forward, I guess... hopefully... I'll wait and see. I guess I was always to scared of being alone... or dying alone... maybe I was just lonely. Or maybe it was all of those... Maybe I'm just an idiot! Or maybe I'm just terribly bored... The truth is... I don't actually feel "blue" that it was all a big fat LIE... I'm actually pretty angry and mortified for letting myself fall into such a bad situation... I'm smarter than that... anyway... that's all I'm feeling right now... and, like I said... it's back to the drawing board... Right now, the only thing that worries me is: "can I actually feel anything anymore?". And I ask myself this because I dismiss all this "crap" that would usually make a pretty nasty dent on any normal person and... on myself... it hardly even bothered me... it made me feel sick, of course... but it didn't make me cry or die of a broken heart... maybe I'm somewhat of an emotional ironman (in my case, ironwoman). I guess my heart has been broken so many times that I don't have one to break anymore... I still don't know if it's a good or a bad thing... Maybe it's bad, I guess. I feel like I reinvented myself so many times I lost myself in the darkness... I don't know who I am anymore... I only know the small stuff: I like pasta, chocolate, I play the guitar and sing, I write some poetry, I like jackson pollock and van gogh, I love led zeppelin and linda perry, love horror movies and I love my friends and family. That's pretty much what's consistent in my life... And now I found myself thinking "Do I actually need more?"... Maybe not... but the truth about humanity is that we're never happy with whatever it is we have... we always want more.

ocean

I hear the ocean... it pours out of my heart and floods the world... drowning you in it! And it washes all the evil away...

Listen to this song... it totally underlines what I'm feeling right now.

nothingness...

Nothing can help me now... the things that gave me pleasure before can't help me now... Writting doesn't help... reading doesn't distract me... food lost all taste... bubble baths don't make me smile... drinking doesn't numb the pain anymore... playing the guitar doesn't help either... singing hurts and my voice is distorted from crying... there is no confort, only nothingness...

My friends tell me I look like death. I feel like death... I can feel it's breath on my neck... the hair on the back of my head stands up everytime I think of you - it's death breathing down my neck! You brought only sorrow, disease and death... how could I have been so wrong? I consider myself a pretty intelligent person... I should have been able to read the signs... I should have known better... I'm an idiot! How will I ever recover? How will I ever mend? I'm tired of everyone's lies... Even the lies I tell or told myself... I can't stand it anymore! It's too much shit to deal with! I can't deal with this crap anymore! I just want to go back in time and take it all back... I wish I could do that... there's nothing in this world that I want more but to erase all this fucking shit! I just want to scream! Scream at myself for being such a stupid naive little girl!

But hey... I'm a survivor! Nothing will keep down on the ground for too long... Don't get me wrong... I'm not sick with love... I'm sick of all the revolting lies I was fed... night after night after night... and I gobbled them all up like a good little (naive) girl... how stupid of me! I wanted so much to be happy that I ended up kicking myself in the ass instead...

I have all these mixed feelings inside of me... their all screwed up, all tangled up... so fucked up... I don't actually know what I'm really feeling... maybe I'm not feeling a thing... maybe I'm just numb from all the fucked up crap I lived throughout my life... maybe this last piece of crappy history was a sort of wake up call... a way for me to remember all the shit I was dealt untill know... when will the good things start happening? Will I be stuck in this loop of nothingness forever?

numb again...

Tired

Frustrated

Sad

Jaded

Angry

Worthless

Lost

Broken

Weak

Crying

Blind

Numb again

Dead...

Never Been In Love...

You were always too scared to be alone, to stand on your own without a "sidekick", to have no one to talk to... and that's why I think you've never actually been in love, because fear was always your guide. You never alowed your heart to be trully open to the possibility of love. I know this because I was also dominated by the same fears as you... but I learnt how to live on my own and thus my heart slowly let love creep in. Before I knew it, I had fallen in love... with you. But your fears still dominate you and so I guess there's no hope for us... there won't be a time for us... There's nothing left... no heart, no fear, no hopes nor dreams... only the moon. I watch the moon from my window and try to hold on to the thought that maybe somewhere out there you're also looking up at it and thinking of me. The stars shine and the angel I once knew has fallen from grace... this angel is tottaly lost and can't find his way. So tonight I shall light a candle to guide him through this dark and everlasting night he finds himself in. I hope that someday he'll realize that it wasn't an illusion... that everything was in fact real.

And so, at 31, I find myself realizing that I finally learnt what love is all about... I thought I was empty and unable of feeling anything... but I was wrong... Hey! maybe someday I can love again... who knows? Or maybe not all is lost... Maybe the angel might find his way in the end...

Dance with Death

The weekend brought heartache and Death is knocking at my door once more... Happiness sent it away for a brief period of time but Happiness got bored and went on it's way... she said she had places to be and people to see... She grew tired of me too much, too fast. And so, as you stomped my heart of glass and breaking it into a thousand million pieces that I won't ever put back together again, Death came knocking... I haven't let it in yet because I am still holding on to Hope... a small child usually playful and cheery... but now scared I might stop fighting and finally let Death in...

Death has been circling around my door for a long time... but Apathy and Numbness have managed to keep it at bay... But now... Now that Sorrow is here it'll be easier for Death to make it's way in my trembling house... this old house that was once colorful and happy... a perfect palace... and is now decayed and empty and cold... weary! Broken! I am broken... my heart is broken... I will never mend... and as I dive deeper into Sorrow's eyes, he mesmerizes me, he pulls me in and makes me want to dance with Death... Death is a whore! She loves everyone! She wants to seduce me once more... She wants me to open my door... The words she whispers are enticing and confusing... like a sea siren calling out to the seamen and causing their deaths... My teary eyes can take no more of this pain... it's like a thousand pins have been pushed through my heart all at once and at the same time. And as the blood pours out of me, the tears fall out of me like waterfalls... sad and unexplored waterfalls... The loss of blood should make me week... and it does at some point make my body feel week... but my eyes can't stop the tears from falling... and they fall... and fall... eternally fall... An everlasting pain... Sorrow is imortal... it can only disappear if Death is let in... That is why Sorrow is here... it wants to end it's own misery by letting in Death. But I am tired of fighting... Maybe I should just let go and dance with that whore Death...

I once said I would fight 'till my last breath... but you know what? I just want to lay down and give in because it's getting harder and harder to breathe...

Sea of Love

Come with me
My love
To the sea
The sea of love

I want to tell you
how much
I love you

Do you remember
When we met
That's the day
I knew you were my pet

I wanna tell you
how much
I love you

Come with me
To the sea...of lo-ve

Do you remember
When we met
That's the day
I knew you were my pet

I wanna tell you
How much
I love you

forever more

I miss you so much

but you're always with me

in my lonely thoughts

running wild and free...

Set me free from all this sorrow

Take me away from all this madness

when I am safe in your arms

I forget all of my sadness...

You chased away all this death

with only one perfect kiss

Your smile is my breath,

it's my eternal bliss...

I close my eyes and breathe you in

like the moist air of the sea

I live in a dream and don't want to wake

I feel alive when you're with me.

And when we are apart

a dark cloud hangs over my head

but I close my eyes

and remember all you said...

Your words bring me light

on the darkest night

You wipe my tears with your fingertips

and you kiss my quivering lips

And I feel loved

like never before

And that's why I will love you

forever more...

heaven tonight

I saw heaven in his eyes so true

cutting through the darkness tonight

bringing shame to the fairest stars

because his is the brightest light

He burnt his name on my soul

without leaving any scars

He changed my empty world

when he held me in his arms...

And love will last forever

I want to believe!

Take hold of me like a fever!
I know you belong to me...

You filled the whole in my heart

with feelings I never knew before

And with each day that passes

I love you even more...

I open my new eyes

once blinded by lies

Now they see you

looking in your eyes so true...

I think sometimes

you're an angel sent from above

to pluck me from sadness

and show me how to love...

Looking now at the full moon

I realize you're all I think of

The first thing I think when

I wake up is

"when will I see you?"

and the last thing I think

as I fall asleep is

how much I love you...

Your Eyes

When I look into your eyes

I see timeless beauty

that moves through the night,

A world only I can see...

And when I fall asleep

you move in me...

Diving in deep

setting yourself free...

This feeling compels us,

it's too strong to ignore.

My world bursts out in color

Like it never has before

your arms open a door

to a lost kingdom...

and as I walk throught it

all my fears shed away

like layers of clothes

I throw away...

your hands on my skin

are like electricity

reviving my dead body...

My heart is about to burst

by the overload of feeling

that you brought

overruling any other thought.

And now in my arms

all is well, all is perfect

your smile disarms

all of my madness...

Falling asleep by candlelight

I think to myself that

I never felt true love

until this night...

happy

Tired
Sleepy
Sore
Dreamy
Anxious
Longing
Wanting
Missing...
...HAPPY!

back to life

the soft hands of happiness
reach to me through the night
and turn my skin to silk...
A perfect smile is born
and my face rejoices
through the pale light
that gleams from scented candles.
Love was always hard
but now comes easy...
I lose myself in your eyes
and all around me
there's a sound
that fills my heart
where there once was a whole
the size of the world...
I feel week in the knees
as that sound fills me...
I close my eyes
to breathe in your smell
as I touch your skin...
The way you make me feel
is all new to me...
Your voice is that sound
and you whisper to me
as I fall asleep
in your warm embrace
that brought me back to grace
and back to life...

I Want to be...

...Be the kind of woman that

when your feet hit the floor

each morning

the devil says:

"oh crap, she's up!"

here comes my girl

You know, sometimes, I don't know why,
But this old town just seems so hopeless.
I ain't really sure, but it seems I remember the good times
Were just a little bit more in focus.
But when she puts her arms around me,
I can, somehow, rise above it.
Yeah man, when I got that little girl standing right by my side,
You know, I can tell the whole wide world, "Shove it,"
Hey, here comes my girl, here comes my girl,
Yeah, she looks so right, she's all I need tonight.
Every now and then, I get down to the end of a day,
I'll have to stop, ask myself, "What've I done?"
It just seems so useless to have to work so hard,
And nothin' ever really seem to come from it.
And then she looks me in the eye, says, "We gonna last forever,"
And man, you know I can't begin to doubt it.
No, because this feels so good and so free and so right,
I know we ain't never goin' change our minds about it.
Hey, here comes my girl, here comes my girl,
Yeah, she looks so right, she's all I need tonight.
Yeah, everytime it seems like there ain't nothin' left no more,
I find myself havin' to reach out and grab hold of somethin'.
Yeah, I just catch myself wanderin', waitin', worryin'
About some silly little things that don't add up to nothin'.
And then she looks me in the eye, says, "We gonna last forever,"
And man, you know I can't begin to doubt it.
No, because this feels so good and so free and so right,
I know we ain't never goin' change our minds about it.
Hey, here comes my girl, here comes my girl,
Yeah, she looks so right, she's all I need tonight.

I Drove All Night

I had to escape , the city was sticky and cruel
Maybe I should have called you first
But I was dying to get to you
I was dreaming while I drove
The long straight road ahead
Could taste your sweet kisses, your arms open wide
This fever for you was just burning me up inside
I drove all night to get to youIs that all right?
I drove all night, crept in your room
Woke you from your sleep to make love to you
Is that all right?
I drove all night
What in this world keeps us from falling apart?
No matter where I goI hear the beating of your heart
I think about you when the night is cold and dark
No one can move me the way that you do
Nothing erases this feeling between me and you
I drove all night to get to you
Is that all right?
I drove all night, crept in your room
Woke you from your sleep to make love to you
Is that all right?
I drove all night
Could taste your sweet kisses, your arms open wide
This fever for you was just burning me up inside
I drove all night to get to youIs that all right?
I drove all night, crept in your room
Is that all right?
I drove all night...

Night In Blue...

With eyes closed

I feel you rushing in

wild like the high tide

on a friday morning...

Night in blue,

feelings awry

a warm touch

that melts away

in the night...

Erotic bliss breeds

shivers and quivers

that culminate

in a scream of pleasure

as I surrender to you...

Your eyes search for mine

and you see me...

and know me

as I see and know you...

Bodies intertwine

as we cross that line

and refuse to sleep...

We stay up 'till dawn's first light

worshiping each other

like creatures of the night...

And as we finally fall asleep

our lips are pressed together

and our bodies have melted

into one big mass of tired flesh...

And we sleep... but not too long!

Our lust moves us

and wakes us...

and takes over us...

and we give in...

We happily give in to it...

I surrender myself to you

and fall into another

night in blue...

Violent Femmes - how I love them so...

I love all things Violent Femmes... :) Their simplicity, the truth behind their words... everything! They were a big part of my playlists back in the 90's (and still are, of course). I danced to "American Music", drank to "Add It Up", felt enraged to "Kick Off", cried to "All I Want", fell in love to "Good Feeling" and laughed while singing along to "Blister in the Sun" ...

One of my favorite ballads is "Good Feeling"... but I wanted to post "All I want" as well... So I'll post both of them for your delight! Just because... they both have amazing lyrics! Enjoy! Rock on! \m/





All I want is to talk to you
All I want is to talk to you
I’m aching for your touch
I’m breaking because I miss you so much
Do you miss me too?

All I want is to walk with you
All I want is to walk with you
I’m hoping for your kiss
I’m doping because I miss you so much
Do you miss me too?

A little bit closer
A little bit closer
Someday
When I try to get closer
Then you move away.

All I want to say is…
All I want is to be with you
All I want is to be with you
You’re hurting deep inside
You’re flirting cause you need
To feel that you are still alive

A little bit closer
A little bit closer
Some way
When I try to get closer
Then you move away

All I want to say is…

All I want is to walk with you
All I want is to talk to you
I’m praying for one night
I’m laying so low
Because I love you so
Though I know it aint right

O Monte...

He cut through the night to see me. The first light of dawn was nearly shining when he knocked on my door. After talking for hours (about this and that) he finally broke through all the psychological barriers and we kissed. His touch melted my skin and nearly broke me. My eyes were closed and I experienced a kaleidoscope os sensations that I can't begin to describe... I might never find the right words to translate what I felt... His eyes pierced right through me... and has he looked into mine I swear I could almost see myself staring back at me... I was almost unable to recognize myself in such an intense wirlwind of emotion. It was like a tornado sweeping away everything around me and I could see all of the objects being blown away in slow motion as my body was standing still and my heart beat faster... it was like... I was travelling without moving! After wondering time and time again what "travelling without moving" (from the movie "Dune") would be like I finally had an experience that I can actually pin to that concept.

The morning dawned on us... and we slept. Waking up in an even stronger embrace and more intense feelings surprised me. How could two tired bodies have such electric energy running through them producing such intensity? I still have no explanation... Afternoon delight! More conversation... More touching... More kissing... More of everything!

Night fell... still in bed... still caught up in a storm of beauty and desire and hunger and longing and wanting... Eyes closed and everything stoped! The world... the universe... nothing was active. Only the two of us... then we slept... and dreams came creeping in slowly and took us both away but still holding hands...

A fuga perfeita...

Hoje é sábado... mais um fim de semana! Mas este fim de semana é diferente... vou passá-lo no minho. Cheguei cá ontem, a Arcos de Valdevez, e já só penso em mil e uma maneiras de escapar deste deserto sufocante, esta prisão familiar que construíram para mim... E porque não libertar-me? Bela pergunta... pergunto-me isso quase todos os dias. Falta-me a energia. Sinto-me apática, adormecida no tempo... ou talvez esteja à espera do momento certo... Momento certo que nunca mais chega... Felicidade e liberdade tardias... Autonomia que nunca chega... Sonhos que se vão desvanecendo à medida que as camadas de personalidade forte que me restam vão sendo descascadas lenta e dolorosamente...

Na cozinha, a minha mãe e a minha irmã discutem sobre isto e aquilo - temas que não interessam a rigorosamente ninguém! O meu pai anda ocupado com o seu famoso rancho folclórico - prepara a catraiada para o raio do desfile carnavalesco municipal (ou qualquer merda do género). Enfim... estou aqui eu, perdida, no meio do monte... em casa dos meus pais... a desejar ser mais parecida com o McGyver ou o James Bond para poder pôr em prática fugas originais e dignas de um filme de acção deste novo milénio (que mal começou).

Quero fugir... da vida real, deste tédio, do frio, da solidão, de tudo... de todos... do mundo... do universo... de mim mesma! Dormir e sonhar... é a única fuga que consigo engendrar e levar às últimas consequências... A fuga perfeita está na criação de um mundo que sonho todas as noites... Resta-me apenas escolher a saída perfeita, através da porta ideal...

the screaming trees - look at you

Look At You
Her ghost hides
In my mind
In the night
In a way she’s haunting me
I’m wanting her still
Thru rose colored skies
Or blue, blue moonlight
There’s miracles on high
She’s walking by

When I look at you I’ve got a 2nd chance
Really need to have you now
One by one they fall it always breaks me down

The quiet
Cuts me thru
The candle burnt
The knife has turned
The pain withers
Alive I know deep inside

When I look at you I’ve got a second chance
Really need to take it now
One by one they fall it always breaks me down

SILENCE

This silent room I'm in is slowly choking me. The silence is all around me! It makes me want to scream and rip it trhough as if it were a piece of paper... but paper cuts the skin and it makes me bleed... the red blood tints the white paper... and in slow motion I realize the beauty of color... red... passionate and warm... spread across the white paper... designing patterns that reveal secrets no one else knows... I start to forget about the silence... and I swear I can hear the blood flowing in my veins. I can hear everything around me... I am one with the universe. As I think this, my eyes are shut and I can see and feel everything. But then I remember you... and my whole world comes crumbling down on me... and I get overwhelmed and buried alive in thoughts of you... I am tormented by dark thoughts... thoughts I wish I never had... thoughts I want to kill... thoughts you planted in me and know they grow like weeds that destroy a perfect garden...

Now that you have silenced yourself and you no longer exist in my world I realize that there's a hole the size of the universe inside of me... a black hole that ate my heart and left me felleing nothing... absolutely nothing! All that was feeling in me is dead. I am mellancoly! I am apathy! I am silence! I am nothing...

Mad World

smile... it confuses people!

Many people have asked me why I don't smile... I usually say that I'm too tired to smile... or that I'm sort of concentrating on some thoughts... or I just laugh a little and don't even answer... But the reality of it all is that I don't really have anything to smile about. My life is misery... I walk the streets and watch people living, loving, smilling, being happy and I envy them. I want the same but I just can't grasp or hold on to happiness, to anything... not even to you.

You walked in beauty in the night and held my hand for a while... then you let go and I fell. I'll get up somehow... when I find the strenght and the will... The beauty I saw in you withered away and all that is left of you is ash... the wind will soon come and take you and you'll be one more memory burnt into my flesh... a scar that will never heal... and never fade.

How will I ever mend? You broke into this heart of mine and it fell apart... it's in pieces. Pieces that I'll never put back together... a shattered heart now slowly beats in my chest, trying to recover from everything you (and the world) and I have done to it. I am to blame... I let myself get caught in your perfect web of lies and slowly turn the key and let you in. I let you brake down the door and see me. Now... well, now... there's nothing left. You stole all of the treasure locked inside the room you broke into to. Now this room is empty and cold and grey...

And now I decided to start smiling more... maybe if I smile good things will come my way... If I smile, this curse will be lifted... If I smile... it confuses people.

Be My Valentine (Or Not)

you ripped my heart

out of my chest

and fed it to the dogs...

And on Valentine's day, no less!

My faith in humanity is slowly fading and with it my "joi de vivre". I'm a sort of meat puppet that everyone pulls and tugs at... Make me dance! Make me sing! Make me fall! These invisible strings are excruciating... it hurts! This pain is hard to bare! The tears roll from my eyes like niagara falls! Everything in me screams like lost souls in hell... Agony is the key word of this day and I'll soon not forget the cause of it...

I want to disapear and forget about my life... I actully would like to use that memory-erasing machine from that movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"... How I wish I could erase my memories... but I guess it's a good thing I can't... I'd end up erasing my whole life! It's bad that we can't go back and have do-overs... Do-overs would be awesome!

I just woke up and already I'm feeling anguished... and bitter. Why would anyone do this... I'm not one to take crap... I'm sick of all this social bullshit! Why can't it stop? Well... I'll just hop in the shower and go for a walk around town... try to distract my busy little mind... I just can't go on like this... I just can't...

Be my valentine or not... no one really gives a shit anymore (and I'm starting to feel the same way)...

last breath

I lived in a fantasy for far too long

I lost myself in this madness

and I thought it wasn't wrong.

Now, all that's left in me is sadness...

I gave the whole of me time and time again

Now there's nothing left for me to give

Been dead for ten years and I'll die another ten

I don't think I'll ever truly live...

I am nothing... I am empty... I am dust...

I sit still and wait for a sign to bring me peace

But what I really want is to give in to lust

I just want to be able to find some release!

I want to be freed of all these thoughts

that violently echo in my tired head,

that live embeded in my skull like ghosts

reminding me of how much they bled...

They want me to bleed as they did

The horrible images they show me

are burnt inside my fragile eyelids

I eat them up and they live in my belly

And they scream as I drown them with wine

they curse me and violently wail

and turn to some entity they find devine

But they all slowly die as I prevail...

I still secretly wait for my fantasy to come true

and so I still sit here by my lonely window

thinking of a shadow that was once you

trying not to slowly give in to sorrow...

But waiting forever is too much to wait

It's an insane and silent death

I no longer want to be life's jailbait

So let this be my last breath...

fox on the run and bats

Today I woke up thinking about the song "fox on the run" and I kept singing it (to myself) throughout the whole day (still listening to it now). After having a crazy dream about bats - I dreampt I was driving my dad's freaking huge mercedez (which I sort of hate) and bats kept flying straight at me and when they hit the windshield I just laughed... but a really morbid and sadistic insane laugh... that chilled my spine. It was really freaky. Then... I woke up singing this song... Fox On The Run... and I want to share it with you... It's the Girlschool version... Girlschool are a pretty cool band... Take a listen ;)

111 - can´t find my way home

Come down off your throne
And leave your body alone
Somebody must change
You are the reason
I've been waiting so long
Somebody holds the key
Well, I'm near the end and I just ain't got the time
Well, I'm wasted and I can't find my way home
Come down on your own
And leave your body alone
Somebody must change
You are the reason
I've been waiting all these years
Somebody holds the key
I'm near the end, and I just ain't got the time
Oh, and I'm wasted, and I can't find my way home...

The Joker

The Joker - Steve Miller Band

This song kept me company through some good times and some bad times: I heard it when I was learning to drive a car (it kept me focused and calm); I heard it when I was pissed at someone (it made me laugh and dance my anger away); I heard it when my boyfriend(s) broke up with me (it helped me move on - 'cause I'd come to the conclusion that all men are jokers); I heard it when I was drinking (it made me think about all the great things in the world and not fall into depression)... It's part of me... It defines me... It's a great description of who I am now: a real person - with faults and virtues - just trying to breeze through life and find some sort of happiness. It brought me confort and made me laugh. It's a great song... Listen to it! NOW!

Burning Fever

I have a fever inside

that only he can cure...

My tormented soul

is his to endure...

My blood boils

when he is near.

In my dreams

his voice is clear...

He whispers to me

unknown secrets

that seem to bind

both our spirits...

I burn for him,

an eternal fire...

My bed becomes

my funeral pyre.