nothingness...

Nothing can help me now... the things that gave me pleasure before can't help me now... Writting doesn't help... reading doesn't distract me... food lost all taste... bubble baths don't make me smile... drinking doesn't numb the pain anymore... playing the guitar doesn't help either... singing hurts and my voice is distorted from crying... there is no confort, only nothingness...

My friends tell me I look like death. I feel like death... I can feel it's breath on my neck... the hair on the back of my head stands up everytime I think of you - it's death breathing down my neck! You brought only sorrow, disease and death... how could I have been so wrong? I consider myself a pretty intelligent person... I should have been able to read the signs... I should have known better... I'm an idiot! How will I ever recover? How will I ever mend? I'm tired of everyone's lies... Even the lies I tell or told myself... I can't stand it anymore! It's too much shit to deal with! I can't deal with this crap anymore! I just want to go back in time and take it all back... I wish I could do that... there's nothing in this world that I want more but to erase all this fucking shit! I just want to scream! Scream at myself for being such a stupid naive little girl!

But hey... I'm a survivor! Nothing will keep down on the ground for too long... Don't get me wrong... I'm not sick with love... I'm sick of all the revolting lies I was fed... night after night after night... and I gobbled them all up like a good little (naive) girl... how stupid of me! I wanted so much to be happy that I ended up kicking myself in the ass instead...

I have all these mixed feelings inside of me... their all screwed up, all tangled up... so fucked up... I don't actually know what I'm really feeling... maybe I'm not feeling a thing... maybe I'm just numb from all the fucked up crap I lived throughout my life... maybe this last piece of crappy history was a sort of wake up call... a way for me to remember all the shit I was dealt untill know... when will the good things start happening? Will I be stuck in this loop of nothingness forever?