Look at you now

Joe Purdy - Look at you now

"... you used to have such a pretty little smile..."

You were right, David

I am in a room filled with people and I never felt more alone. Everyone is talking and exchanging ideas. I have nothing. I am nothing. I sometimes think I'm a functioning ghost. People's voices and words meld with the voices in my head. I want to drown them all out but even music doesn't work anymore. I am starting to think I might actually be insane. You were right, David. There is something wrong with me. I guess I just didn't want to admit you were right. I was always sitting at the edge of my seat waiting for the shit to hit the fan because I knew eventually it would and I would be the one to fling it about like a naughty monkey at the zoo. I am sorry.

They usually say: "better late than never", but I case in this case that does not apply. I usually take a long time to realize what people are trying to tell me, or show me about myself because it's like looking in a mirror and I don't want to see myself. Especially through other people's eyes. Particularly through yours.

Day is done. I am left alone with the voices of people I work with and with the voices in my head. It's so loud, sometimes I have to close my eyes and re-focus. Or whatever it's called. But still... sometimes one or two of the voices manages to seep in and completely destroy me. Which seems to be happening a lot lately. It's nobody's fault but my own. I let myself go and refuse help because sometimes those voices are comforting, although they isolate me from the world. Such isolation is soothing because I feel protected. I don't want to hurt anymore and self-sabotage is the only way I know how to keep myself guarded.

But here I am now, David. Letting you know that you were/are right.

Love is dead

It's been a while since I last wrote. I've been a bit jaded for whatever reason. Depression and anxiety took over once more. Anti-depressants and anxiety meds kind of put me on some sort of weird "cruise-control" situation. I am slowly snapping back but I don't feel like myself anymore. I cam out the other end as a different person. I'm not sure yet if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I moved away. I live in Porto now. I also work here. Work is great. Living situation... not so much. The bedroom is quite big but the walls are a mess. The bathroom looks like something from a horror movie. The tile is hideous. I lock myself in every night. I wake up with bruises all over my body and I'm not sure if I am harming myself on myself or if there's some sort of angry ghost trying to get me to leave. Either way, I need to find a new place. I hate it there.

It feels like my personality or my sense of self is slowly being taken over by someone else. Like I'm being possessed. I'm scared. I'm scared but I'm not fighting back. I'm easing in to it. Do I let myself disappear and turn into someone new? Or do I fight for the person I am at the moment? I don't know what to do. I feel so numb! I just want to be happy. I wish I knew how. I'm just shuffling through existence or life like a zombie. Sometimes I cry when I'm at home because feelings hit me hard all at once and I can't deal. Other times I laugh hard when I'm at work because everyone is so awesome. Other times I try to smile but it feels fake. Smiling is a foreign concept to me at the moment. I can't remember the last time I truly really smiled for real. All my smiles now are fake, or feel fake. I don't want to fake smile anymore. It's frustrating.

Sometimes I'm driving home and I get stuck in traffic. I think back to all the people that came into and out of my life. I think of people I haven't seen or talked to in years. I think of people I knew that died. I think of high school and how simple everything was back then. I think further back to when I was just a little girl in grade school and how small and clueless I was. I'm still clueless. I'm no longer small.

I'm growing old. You would think that I would have some answers to life's questions. I don't. I'm as clueless as I was back then. About everything!

As for love? Love... Love is dead. There's nothing left. I am alone and will remain so. It saddens me to know that I will live out the rest of my days in solitude. But I just can't seem to get the love thing right. So I killed it. Or did I...?

Unfuck the world

I need to unfuck myself, unshit myself, undo myself...

I have to rewind myself, rebuild myself, redo myself...

I have to stay alive.

Angel Olsen - Windows

Won't you open a window sometime?
What's so wrong with the light?
What's so wrong with the light?
Wind in your hair, sun in your eyes
Light
Light

We throw our shadows down
We must throw our shadows down
We live and throw our shadows down
It's how we get around
In the sun
In the sun

Why can't you see?
Are you blind?
Are you dead, already?
Are you all right?
Are you all right?

Won't you open a window sometime?
Won't you open a window sometime?
What's so wrong with the light?
What's so wrong with the light?
Wind in your hair, sun in your eyes
What's so wrong with the light?

I will be myself again

You need to feel it!
You need to bleed
and breathe it!

let it fill you up
and drown you
there's nothing but silence

but the streets are filled
with laughter and joy
all things you avoid

nothing but silence
let it push you down
snuff all sounds

the rain hits the windows
such loud noisy rain
feelings coming back again

push it all down
hide it away from sight
away from any light

I need to feel it!
I need to bleed,
I need to breathe it!

I need sound and pain
laughter and music again
rain falling on my face
and a tiny kitten to chase

I need to feel it.
I am bleeding,
I am breathing.

I will be myself again...

Today

Today I remembered a boy who had movie-man for a nickname. Cine for short. I remember the night we sang to each other songs we both had written. His song I can still hear within me and on youtube, as it seems. It was one of his bands "hits", if ever they had one. Every time I hear it, or remember it, I cry.

I don't know what happened or why we drifted, if we drifted, it hurt though. It hurt me deeply because I was so much in love with him. And when he just passed by the next day like nothing had happened and just winked like it was meant to be a secret, I died a little inside. It was like I was choking and I couldn't breathe. I don't know what happened. And I never will know. It's been 20 years... Life goes on.

I'm not sure if he loved me, liked me or just used me. I know that night was perfect. We made love. For a while it felt like we were the only two people left in the world. Then, I fell asleep. He left. And we went back to being... whatever it was we were or are. Friends. He moved on. I moved on. But that night and his beautiful song remains with me.

Heaven was in his arms.

Only I can do that...

This is how it goes, this is how it is: my body is scared. Self-inflicted and accidental scars. It was always about feeling something besides shame. Now these scars have nothing on the emotional scars I now have. I regret hurting other people. I regret living. Sometimes, most of the times lately, I wish I was never born. I wouldn't have hurt everyone that I ever hurt and maybe they're lives would have been better for never having met me.

I feel like I should be guarded so other people don't get hurt. And I don't want to hurt either, I have such an emotional earthquake within me it destroys everything when I cut lose and let my emotions out. I can't ever do that again. For my sake as well as for everybody else's. Nobody wants to read this. It's filled with super sad clichés. Nobody needs details of all my stupidity and sadness.

I write because I breathe. As long as I breathe I need a way to tame this turmoil inside me. Writing keeps the demons at bay and it gives me moments of clarity... seconds, really, through the thousands of screaming voices that echo inside my head. Sometimes I feel like I am cursed. I always looked for someone out there to save me. But I never did find anyone who could. Many have tried, but I kept pushing them away because deep down I know I can't be saved by anyone.

Many times I wished I could fall into a dream and everything else would be an afterthought. I always looked at other people to make shit better but only I can do that.

One day...

One day, you'll like someone so much they'll rip right through you. This is what I'm thinking as I listen to one of my friends joke how she doesn't like anyone and how tough she is. But one day... someone will gut her and her eyes wide open she'll play back all the joking around about not ever falling in love or liking someone enough to stay.

I know this because I would say the same thing. I swore I'd never fall in love and that there wasn't anyone in the world I would ever like. I was gutted. Gutted by the realization when I first fell head over heels for him. My first love... he tore right through me like a hot knife running through butter in the summertime. I was never the same. There were other loves after. But my heart forever guarded against the torment that first love caused me. Even after 20 years I still think of how it felt to be in love. Not with him. I don't care about him. But that first love, that feeling, the first time you have it... there will never be anything like it ever again in your entire life.

I guess that's why I am sad all the time. The doctor says I look sad and I have a sad face. I am sad. I will never have those days back. I will never have that love back. I will never have that feeling back, or a chance to ever relive those first-time experiences. And as time passes by, my sadness grows and it encapsulates me in a cocoon I'll never emerge from.

One day I'll be a ghost and I'll roam the Earth looking for young people going through these first-time experiences and I'll share them even though they are not aware of my presence. And perhaps, watching them live in a way I never could might bring me solace, some glimmer of joy. Perhaps I might smile again...

Rinse and repeat

Yesterday you texted me. I didn't want to read it. You texted me from a phone that isn't yours, from somewhere other than your house. I still didn't want to read it. I don't care if you've finally went to rehab. I'm selfish, readers might think, but I don't care. I don't want to get sucked back into this vortex of fucking insanity anymore. I don't want to deal with your family. I don't want to deal with your mom or with your aunts. I just want to be left alone. I've been beaten down enough. By you and all the rest of your family. Just leave me be. I did not write you a letter nor will I. I write on here to exorcise my own inner demons because talking to you would accomplish nothing as you clearly don't want to hear anything I have to say, just like before. You never heard me, or seen me. All you cared about was yourself, and your dreams and your goals. Fuck all the rest. I have dreams and goals too! But you just ran all over anything I had to say, thought, or wanted for myself. So now... this is it. You broke me and I hate myself for letting myself get broken. I just want to be alone.

Today I took my mom shopping. It finally started to rain. We were talking about the good old days and she mentioned my grandmother and I just start balling. I had to stop the car. I just sobbed and cried and my face got puffed up and red. My mother didn't quite know what to say her do. She's never been really good at comforting people. I don't think anyone in my family is very good and comforting each other. I calmed down and she went ahead with her grocery shopping and I just went for coffee and waited for her to be done. The ride back home was pretty quiet...

I started the new meds my doctor gave me yesterday. I had an appointment. Basically she says I'm sad and I look sad. I shrugged. I have nothing much to be happy about. So yeah... I'm sad. Doesn't take a genius to notice that. I wonder how long it will take for these happy meds to kick in because I really need to get my train of though back on the coherent track. Right now there's so much shit going through my mind a thousand miles per second and I can't grasp or hold on to a single interesting thought. 

I can't sleep. It takes me forever to fall asleep. I toss and I turn. I hear the neighbor's cows moo throughout the night, I hear the other neighbor's dogs bark and howl violent and eerie melodies at the moon, I hear the birds chirping when first light comes out. I toss and turn some more. I think I fell asleep. The alarm buzzes. I curse and get up. Here we go again. Another day. Rinse and repeat.