Walk on

Lets get real for a moment... about love, that is. It's hard to find love. Sometimes you think you found it only to realize it was just an illusion. You might think you're in love and it's only the longing to be loved and love someone that tricks your mind into thinking that you're in love. Sometimes you actually start to believe you're in love but the other person is just comfortable with you and doesn't even bother to actually look for "the right one". The other person might be involved with you and a string of other "wrong ones". Because... you know... twice as much love is always better than none. Even if it's not actually love. Sometimes you actually feel love for someone but that person isn't ready or isn't the person you're supposed to be. There are so many variables to take into account. It's insane anyone ever finds love. I don't even see myself falling in love anymore. I don't see myself being happily in love with someone in the future. I can't see myself being happy or in love. I guess I've exhausted all my trials and there's no backsies! You can't take anything back. Once your heart gets broken enough times you're more than ready to call it quits. But it's fine. One can lead a perfectly reasonable and content life. That's my goal now. I know most people are used to me writing all these kinds of doomed love poems but I don't think I have any of those left in me. I don't know what kind of poetry I'll write in the future or if I'll ever get through this writer's block but I don't think it'll be about the most exquisite pain - love. I'm probably never going to write poetry again. You might ask me how I know this... well... I know this just as much as I know that I'll never love again. Even though I've never actually felt the kind of love you read about in books and see in the movies... I have loved. In my own way. When I was a young girl in my teens love was urgent. When I was in my twenties love was messy and confusing. And now... Love was supposed to be patient and kind. But it isn't. It just keeps getting messier and it keeps getting more and more confusing. And I know I'll never love again. I know I'll never feel like that again.

I've had some relationships. They've all ended. Some badly and others with mutual agreement. Some were long and others lasted what seemed like a minute. Some unforgettable... Others you forget. And some you wish you could forget. The unforgettable make you wonder "what if?" and they make you daydream and wish you had done certain things differently. The ones you forget were rebounds, the ones that lasted but a second. And the ones you wish you could forget are the huge mistakes you wish you could take back or fix. I've had all of these at one point or another in my life. And after some time reflecting on all the relationships I've had I can surely affirm that none were the kind of love that time sits still for. None were epic love stories like you read in books or see in movies. None felt at any point like forever. And I so wanted for at least one of them to have been a forever type love because then I could move on with my life knowing that I had lived an epic love story. Knowing that I could live out the rest of my life content and with peace of mind. But after analyzing my past love life I have come to the sad conclusion that I've never had an epic love. It's a sad realization. And there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to mend my heart and move on. I don't want to end these thoughts with the "maybe some day" hope type thing because that's the furthest thing from my mind and I don't believe that some day I'll have my epic love story. I'm actually quite sure it won't happen. Why? Because I am not open to it. I don't want it. I don't want it anymore. I'm not the silly young girl who dreamed of a fairy-tale love story. I'm not the confused young woman wearing her heart on her sleeve. I am this person... a person who is done waiting. I am a person looking forward without fear or doubt. I am a person excited to walk down this path I've been avoiding for so long. But it's time now. It's time to drop silly notions of romance and walk on.

a new perspective

Once in a while something happens and it changes the whole course of your life even if at that moment you don't realize how that one thing will affect the rest of your life. If you think about it life is just a string of small occurrences that shape your path. Sometimes you choose your path and other times you're thrown upon it or it's chosen for you. Sometimes it chooses you. But you only perceive all this as you grow older. Growing older is somewhat bitter-sweet. You become aware of so many things you took for granted or were too naive to understand before. You think back and think about all the things you'd take back or do differently. You actually grow up. And it hurts to grow up. Growing up is the hardest thing you'll ever do in your entire life. Your whole perspective shifts and as you grow older it keeps shifting. You look upon younger people walking down the street and you recognize your younger self. It's like you're watching a younger version of yourself. You feel somewhat angry because you can't get back your youth or change your past. But you're satisfied with the person you've become and the road you took to get there. And that's where I am now - content. I am not blissfully happy but I am well on my way...

New Beginings

I feel like someone breathed new life into me. Starting a new job at a different city is exactly what I needed. I feel so much better... I also quit smoking. I'm absolutely over the whole moping around feeling sorry for myself. It feels terrific knowing that you belong somewhere doing stuff that matters. It's the best feeling in the world. I'm in love with this job... I might just marry it! I'm sure I will.

I've been diving deeper into the story of Hindsight. I too wish I could go back in time and correct my most stupid mistakes. I would correct so many that I made recently. Funny how I regret most of the shit I let happen these past two or three years instead of all the stupid shit I did when I was younger. But you know what? All the stupid shit I did when I was young was fun and helped me learn about life and figure out who I am. The shit I let happen to me recently... was just stupid! I'm old enough to know better and not let stupid shit like that happen to me. Jesus! having people tell you that you have problems is really annoying especially when you don't have any! It's always annoying when people are trying to get you to admit you have an non-existing problem so they can feel validated or feel better about themselves... like... it's not all their fault. That's such bullshit and it really pisses me off. People should just admit they're assholes and move on. That would gain my respect. Not this projecting their bullshit onto others. That's just fucking lame.

By and by things are going to get better. I'll be able to see places I always wanted to see and do things I always wanted to do. And I'll see them and do them all on my own. I don't need anyone. I know who I am and I am perfectly happy being this person. And if anyone doesn't like who I am and who I was... well... that's just too fucking bad. I'm not going to change. Ever! Of course I might consider letting my sister tag alone because she's funny and we have fun together sometimes. I guess we can have fun together again... I'm not as somber as I was this past year. I have a new taste for life.

And this new beginning I worked hard for is slowly taking shape and it will bring amazing possibilities and so much awesomeness! I can feel it. I can feel it in my bones. I can taste it!

Escaping reality

The magic of ordinary days is slowly turning into a living nightmare... back at my parents' house I spend most of my days listening to music, reading and watching movies. I hardly have the will to get out of bed. I feel like a ghost of my former self. My computer died on me Sunday night and it'll take 30 days or more to get fixed. That's how life goes in the country, I guess. There's really not much to say... nothing special has been happening. It's been raining a lot which I enjoy. I like to listen to the rain fall outside and imagine I'm someone else, somewhere else. I keep having these strange dreams though... in all of them I die. The last few days I drowned, got shot and got stabbed. I wonder where all that is coming from. A friend told me I'm reliving past lives. I think it's just my subconscious letting me know it's fucking bored! As am I. I am SO bored I keep dreaming up these movie-like deaths to keep me entertained. And that's what's been up lately. I guess I should try writing some poetry again but I am not at all inspired. I don't really know what I would write about. Maybe I should write about the crow that flew over me as I drove into town the other day. That was one majestic bird. So black... black as night. And it's wingspan was huge. It had the most beautiful and graceful flight. My mind went blank as I watched it fly way ahead of me. All the worries I constantly run through my mind were gone for a few moments. And it was the best feeling I had in months. Like a weight being lifted from my shoulders... even if for a few seconds. I long for more than a few moments of such a feeling of peace. I was happy once... it was a long time ago but I remember the sound of my laughter and how it felt like to be happy and carefree. I remember what it was like to feel at peace. I am tormented now. Tormented by the changing times, tormented by memories of what was and never will be. Tortured every night by dreams of hope and love, and by nightmares of despair and death. Tortured by all things created by my own devices. How can such things be undone and forgotten? I want to forget myself and fly away like that crow. I want to drift off and not be tortured by my own mind. I want to feel as happy awake as I feel in my dreams. It's sad that I need dreams to escape reality...

death is no parenthesis

about love...

Random thoughts

I've spent the past few days (I don't know how many days have passed since I last wrote on here) watching old romance movies and crying. I could barely pull myself together and get out of bed. Feels like I could sleep for a thousand years. But something shifted today... I started talking to my friends again, I went out (all afternoon, thank you very much!), I listened to music, I danced in my undies after showering (something I haven't done in ages!). I felt some sort of happiness even though I'm still not sure what's going to happen. But the thing is I'm weighing my options and figuring out what's best for me. I've also been watching this new show called Hindsight... it's a blast! Can't wait for next week's episode!

Right now I'm so tired... I'm having a hard time gathering my thoughts. I can barely keep my eyes open. On my playlist right now The Runaways are playing Wait For Me. All I have to do now is just breathe and wait for my life to shift gears and just... look forward. That's what's on my menu now. No more sugar coated thoughts or cotton-candy dreams about love. Love is pain. If you spell it backwards it's "EVOL"... evil. I guess that in my case that's the truth. Or maybe I just have the worst luck in the universe... and the worst taste in men. Both of those have always been my doom. It's quite funny now that I think back and replay my whole love-life in my head... I surely do have the worst taste in men. Well... no more of that now. I am focusing on myself. It's time to drop the "if you don't like me as I am, you're not worthy" crap and start with the "I have to love myself first" because if I don't love myself no one else will. But... basically, I just want to love myself. I don't want or expect to find love again. EVER! Maybe for a small kitten. :) My crazy cat-lady starter kit.

2015 hasn't started off that well but I'm sure I can turn it around. I have to. I don't want to just sit here feeling sorry for myself not knowing what to do or where to turn. I'm going to start doing all the things I used to do before that lit up my face and made me smile. I'm going to talk to my friends, laugh at their jokes and laugh with them, I'm going to go out more often, I'm going to rock out to Veruca Salt every time I get out of the shower, I'm going to write and take up photography again, I'm going to sing and watch all the movies I love, I'm going to listen to all the bands I used to listen to during the 90's, I'm going to scream all those lyrics as loud as I can, I'm going to dance, I'm going to be the best version of me I possibly can be right now. Eventually I will grow as person. But I refuse to become the person everyone expects me to be.

And after a few months of "forcing" happiness down my throat I will wake up smiling one morning and realize that I am happy. And that I don't need anyone else to make myself happy. I can do it on my own. I can be happy on my own. I will be happy. That's my main goal right now: be happy. I used to settle for contentment. But that won't do at all... it's like being a weird zombie type thing. I don't want to be a weird zombie type thing. I just want to be allowed to be myself. I am myself. I'm not going to apologize for being who I am. And I am a person who has no patience for any kind of fucked up drama. But that's all well and done. I will never let any of that sort of thing into my life again. I was so blinded by the longing for someone to love that I stumbled. But now my eyes are wide open and I am aware of everything. And what once could have been... is no longer. It's dead. But death brings the promise of rebirth. And I am slowly bringing myself back to life.

Silence

I could hear the sound of my own heart breaking. It was like the loudest thunderstorm you could ever be caught in yet no one else could hear it. Not even him... I was torn apart. He tore me apart. There's nothing left. All I had left I gave to him and he just broke it and burnt it to the tiniest imaginable cinder. When the cold wind blows through there will be nothing left to remind him of what could have been, of what he ruined. I don't have any tears left either. I am numb. Once again I feel nothing. I just want to spend my days lying in my bed pretending it was all a nightmare and that my heart is still locked away safe within my ribcage. But there are moments when reality hits me like a ton of bricks and like a rush of blood to the head all those memories, pleasant and unpleasant, come rushing in... and it makes it even harder to let go. But I know I must... I have to let go. I can't live like this anymore. Love isn't supposed to be like this. Love shouldn't be this hard... love is patient, love his kind. But loving him was never easy... he never made it easy. He constantly thought up new and fucked up ways to make me a villain in his fantasy. Maybe he just did that so he could be rid of me... mostly because I think I didn't live up to the fantasy he had of this perfectly intellectual New Yorker who loves everything he loves, agrees with everything he says and hangs on his every word. But I am not like that. I am wild and refuse to be tamed. If you want to love me, love me as I am... love the sweat, love the wild... love all of me. But stop looking for things that aren't there, stop making up fucked up scenarios that don't go AT ALL with my personality. I am not that monster you want me to be. I am a person. I had feelings. I had feelings for you but you had to take what was beautiful and pure and twist it all up and turn it into a freak show. And the silence... it doesn't bother me. It just strengthens my resolve.

Maybe we just burned up too quickly... so much so that we ended up consuming each other in our own fire. At least it burnt with the power of a thousand suns. We set ourselves on fire and watched each other burn. What beautiful fire we made... But now even the ash of those fleeting moments isn't enough to keep us warm at night. And I will never be enough for you. You don't accept me and you never will. You always agree with me and tell me that I'm right but then you go back and ruin everything. Why? It's exhausting and I can't bare it any longer. I'm sorry. I loved you. But I can't do this anymore. Love brings peace it doesn't muffle it. All I ever wanted was peace and quiet. A toned down quiet life with someone to hold my hand and sit with on a porch having tea. That was my dream. That's all I ever wanted. I don't want to wallow in the past. I don't care about anything that happened before. It's pointless. But you just can't let go and now it's come to this... A blog post. I don't really know why I'm even taking the time to write this on here... I guess I just want you to read my final thoughts (although fragmented) and I wanted to vent. I have no one to talk to. So I talk to the world. Maybe someone will listen and know what I'm feeling. And if these words of mine can help just one person then they have served their purpose. As for me... I'll go back to weeks, even months maybe, of wallowing in self-pity, self-doubt, sleepless nights and dark days, numbness, an empty ribcage, all wrapped up in beautiful silence.

They don't see

People don't see
they don't want to.
They're like birds
who've been in
their cages for
far too long.
Far too long...
When the cage
door is opened
they just sit still.
Perfectly still...
they don't fly
away. Far away.
They sit there
and slowly sway
dreaming of
what it's like
to be in love.
What it's like
to be free.
What it's like
to see...

Okay

Every night
He paints the sky
With stars
Just for me.

But I'm so
Wrapped up in
Darkness
That I don't see.

Every day
He shines
His bright light
My way

But I hide
In a cocoon
Of pale skin
And deep within

I search for a soul
A flicker of feeling
Someone, anyone...
But I'm still not whole.

Maybe one night
Or one fine day
He'll take my hand
And make everything
okay.