Escaping reality

The magic of ordinary days is slowly turning into a living nightmare... back at my parents' house I spend most of my days listening to music, reading and watching movies. I hardly have the will to get out of bed. I feel like a ghost of my former self. My computer died on me Sunday night and it'll take 30 days or more to get fixed. That's how life goes in the country, I guess. There's really not much to say... nothing special has been happening. It's been raining a lot which I enjoy. I like to listen to the rain fall outside and imagine I'm someone else, somewhere else. I keep having these strange dreams though... in all of them I die. The last few days I drowned, got shot and got stabbed. I wonder where all that is coming from. A friend told me I'm reliving past lives. I think it's just my subconscious letting me know it's fucking bored! As am I. I am SO bored I keep dreaming up these movie-like deaths to keep me entertained. And that's what's been up lately. I guess I should try writing some poetry again but I am not at all inspired. I don't really know what I would write about. Maybe I should write about the crow that flew over me as I drove into town the other day. That was one majestic bird. So black... black as night. And it's wingspan was huge. It had the most beautiful and graceful flight. My mind went blank as I watched it fly way ahead of me. All the worries I constantly run through my mind were gone for a few moments. And it was the best feeling I had in months. Like a weight being lifted from my shoulders... even if for a few seconds. I long for more than a few moments of such a feeling of peace. I was happy once... it was a long time ago but I remember the sound of my laughter and how it felt like to be happy and carefree. I remember what it was like to feel at peace. I am tormented now. Tormented by the changing times, tormented by memories of what was and never will be. Tortured every night by dreams of hope and love, and by nightmares of despair and death. Tortured by all things created by my own devices. How can such things be undone and forgotten? I want to forget myself and fly away like that crow. I want to drift off and not be tortured by my own mind. I want to feel as happy awake as I feel in my dreams. It's sad that I need dreams to escape reality...