Silence

I could hear the sound of my own heart breaking. It was like the loudest thunderstorm you could ever be caught in yet no one else could hear it. Not even him... I was torn apart. He tore me apart. There's nothing left. All I had left I gave to him and he just broke it and burnt it to the tiniest imaginable cinder. When the cold wind blows through there will be nothing left to remind him of what could have been, of what he ruined. I don't have any tears left either. I am numb. Once again I feel nothing. I just want to spend my days lying in my bed pretending it was all a nightmare and that my heart is still locked away safe within my ribcage. But there are moments when reality hits me like a ton of bricks and like a rush of blood to the head all those memories, pleasant and unpleasant, come rushing in... and it makes it even harder to let go. But I know I must... I have to let go. I can't live like this anymore. Love isn't supposed to be like this. Love shouldn't be this hard... love is patient, love his kind. But loving him was never easy... he never made it easy. He constantly thought up new and fucked up ways to make me a villain in his fantasy. Maybe he just did that so he could be rid of me... mostly because I think I didn't live up to the fantasy he had of this perfectly intellectual New Yorker who loves everything he loves, agrees with everything he says and hangs on his every word. But I am not like that. I am wild and refuse to be tamed. If you want to love me, love me as I am... love the sweat, love the wild... love all of me. But stop looking for things that aren't there, stop making up fucked up scenarios that don't go AT ALL with my personality. I am not that monster you want me to be. I am a person. I had feelings. I had feelings for you but you had to take what was beautiful and pure and twist it all up and turn it into a freak show. And the silence... it doesn't bother me. It just strengthens my resolve.

Maybe we just burned up too quickly... so much so that we ended up consuming each other in our own fire. At least it burnt with the power of a thousand suns. We set ourselves on fire and watched each other burn. What beautiful fire we made... But now even the ash of those fleeting moments isn't enough to keep us warm at night. And I will never be enough for you. You don't accept me and you never will. You always agree with me and tell me that I'm right but then you go back and ruin everything. Why? It's exhausting and I can't bare it any longer. I'm sorry. I loved you. But I can't do this anymore. Love brings peace it doesn't muffle it. All I ever wanted was peace and quiet. A toned down quiet life with someone to hold my hand and sit with on a porch having tea. That was my dream. That's all I ever wanted. I don't want to wallow in the past. I don't care about anything that happened before. It's pointless. But you just can't let go and now it's come to this... A blog post. I don't really know why I'm even taking the time to write this on here... I guess I just want you to read my final thoughts (although fragmented) and I wanted to vent. I have no one to talk to. So I talk to the world. Maybe someone will listen and know what I'm feeling. And if these words of mine can help just one person then they have served their purpose. As for me... I'll go back to weeks, even months maybe, of wallowing in self-pity, self-doubt, sleepless nights and dark days, numbness, an empty ribcage, all wrapped up in beautiful silence.