rough sleepless nights

I currently hold a rosary of rough sleepless nights. I wake up in a sweat. I wake up with my body bruised. I wake up and vomit. I wake up and can't sleep anymore. I have nightmares and wake up. I wake up with a fever. So many lonely nights slowly sinking in a sea of salty tears.

Cheap wine and cigarettes don't make it all better anymore. The drugs don't work anymore. The voices in my head are slowly forsaking me. I don't know if that means I'm getting better or if I'm just so toxic even imaginary voices and hallucinations avoid me.

And I'm so tired. So, so tired. I think if I went to bed now I'd sleep for days. I can't wait for the weekend to come. I believe I shall remain in bed the whole weekend. But knowing me, I think I'll run up north to the comfort of my old room in my parents' house. Everything feels so much better there. It feels warm and inviting. Where I live now it's cold and bare. I don't belong in that house. I do believe it's haunted. I need to look for a new place to live.

The only comfort there is Azazel, the feral cat that comes over for a meal. I feed him kitty treats which I buy at the local supermarket. He let's me sit near him but won't let me touch him. I so wish I could pet him. I feel like I need a furry companion. But the "no pets allowed" rule prevents me from having a furry soulmate. It's sad... I pay so much money for rent and I can't even have a pet. Or take a decent shower. Or cook a decent meal. Or feel at home. I feel like I'm living in one of those run-down sleazy motels. I hate that place with a passion. But finding a nice suitable place to live in here in Porto is like searching for the perfect man. It's damn near impossible! I'm so frustrated. I just want to live somewhere quiet, with decent water pressure and a stove which will cook my food in a timely manner.

I'm sleepy. I can't wait for the day to be done so I can go back to that hell-hole and crash... Maybe this night it'll be different.