Dreaming of better days

The day is starting and I was just hit with this overwhelming feeling of how huge the world is... and I'm sitting here in my tiny cubicle thinking of how much of the world I've never seen and most likely will never see during my lifetime. It's both amazing and sad. When I was younger I thought my life would have some impact on the world but so far, I'm 40 years old and I'm just a speck of dust flying through the air trying to find a place I fit in so I can finally rest. It's been so long and I still feel at odds with myself. I still don't know where I fit in to. I still feel awkward in social situations. I'm still that strange little girl who talks to herself and daydreams about impossible things. When I was a young girl I always though anything was possible and that if I tried hard enough I could do anything, even the impossible. Now that I'm older, much older, I know better. I miss that naive little girl that would roam the countryside looking for crickets and who brought home every stray cat she'd encounter along the way. The little girl who'd scrape her knees and come home crying. I would always want a comforting word from my dad but he was never there. My mom was always way too hard on me. She still is. I spent my entire life angry at my parents for never being there for me, so I just rebelled and did a lot of shit I regret. My adolescence was very hard on me as I did not have anyone around to help me through it or navigate trouble. And now I'm this sordid version of that awkward little girl, always dreaming of better days...

I've read somewhere, that one can't start the next chapter of life if one keeps re-reading the last one. And as I think about it now, I've been re-reading the last chapters of my life for way to long. It's time to turn the page and let new beginnings flow. But will they be better days? I'm not sure they will. All I can do is hope for the best and have faith that they will be better. In retrospect, I don't think I'll ever know the sorrow I've known and had for a companion for a better part of my life. But you never know... sometimes the universe is not done punching you in the face!