Dreaming of better days

The day is starting and I was just hit with this overwhelming feeling of how huge the world is... and I'm sitting here in my tiny cubicle thinking of how much of the world I've never seen and most likely will never see during my lifetime. It's both amazing and sad. When I was younger I thought my life would have some impact on the world but so far, I'm 40 years old and I'm just a speck of dust flying through the air trying to find a place I fit in so I can finally rest. It's been so long and I still feel at odds with myself. I still don't know where I fit in to. I still feel awkward in social situations. I'm still that strange little girl who talks to herself and daydreams about impossible things. When I was a young girl I always though anything was possible and that if I tried hard enough I could do anything, even the impossible. Now that I'm older, much older, I know better. I miss that naive little girl that would roam the countryside looking for crickets and who brought home every stray cat she'd encounter along the way. The little girl who'd scrape her knees and come home crying. I would always want a comforting word from my dad but he was never there. My mom was always way too hard on me. She still is. I spent my entire life angry at my parents for never being there for me, so I just rebelled and did a lot of shit I regret. My adolescence was very hard on me as I did not have anyone around to help me through it or navigate trouble. And now I'm this sordid version of that awkward little girl, always dreaming of better days...

I've read somewhere, that one can't start the next chapter of life if one keeps re-reading the last one. And as I think about it now, I've been re-reading the last chapters of my life for way to long. It's time to turn the page and let new beginnings flow. But will they be better days? I'm not sure they will. All I can do is hope for the best and have faith that they will be better. In retrospect, I don't think I'll ever know the sorrow I've known and had for a companion for a better part of my life. But you never know... sometimes the universe is not done punching you in the face!

Not Dark Yet

Not Dark Yet

WRITTEN BY: BOB DYLAN

Shadows are falling and I’ve been here all day
It’s too hot to sleep, time is running away
Feel like my soul has turned into steel
I’ve still got the scars that the sun didn’t heal
There’s not even room enough to be anywhere
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there

Well, my sense of humanity has gone down the drain
Behind every beautiful thing there’s been some kind of pain
She wrote me a letter and she wrote it so kind
She put down in writing what was in her mind
I just don’t see why I should even care
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there

Well, I’ve been to London and I’ve been to gay Paree
I’ve followed the river and I got to the sea
I’ve been down on the bottom of a world full of lies
I ain’t looking for nothing in anyone’s eyes
Sometimes my burden seems more than I can bear
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there

I was born here and I’ll die here against my will
I know it looks like I’m moving, but I’m standing still
Every nerve in my body is so vacant and numb
I can’t even remember what it was I came here to get away from
Don’t even hear a murmur of a prayer
It’s not dark yet, but it’s getting there

Copyright © 1997 by Special Rider Music

Disconnected

Veruca Salt - Disconnected

Disconnected, it's the way that I wanted it to be
The Cult Electric is my favorite record of the week
Cause I'm not feeling sweet

But I can't say that, when everyone is so judgmental
And I can't play back, all the times when you were gentle
Cause even you can't be true

It's astounding what love can do to a city
Laurel Canyon was the best place for you and me to be
I chose the curtains and I dreamed a dream of domesticity
What a freak you made of me

Now I'm on Zoloft, because you told me I was crazy
And I won't jump, cause now I know you'd never catch me
And I can't leave you, because you swore you'd never let me
But even you talk shit too

It's January when I jumped the fence of your backyard
Finish the fairy tale that you were drunk enough to start
It's kind of scary when your lover leaves you for a movie star
And I'm still in the dark

But you have trained me, to watch my back and drop my standards
And you have shamed me, since the first time you were with her
And you cant make me, love your band or buy your records
Cause you have tainted, my respect for your adventures

And you will never have the chance to trace my features (it's kind of scary when your lover leaves you)
And you will never make me feel like such a loser (it's kind of scary when your lover leaves you)
And you can have the past 'cause I'm in love with the future (it's kind of scary when your lover leaves you)

I'm in love with the future (it's kind of scary when your lover leaves you)

And I have met a boy who makes you look so shallow (it's kind of scary when your lover leaves you) (I'm in love with the future)
And there is so much time and so much space to travel (it's kind of scary when your lover leaves you) (I'm in love with the future)
And I will make the climb and I will kiss the gravel (it's kind of scary when your lover leaves you) (I'm in love with the future)

(Touch the sky) (It's kinda scary)
And I will kiss the gravel (I'm in love with the future)

(Touch the sky) (It's kinda scary)
And I will kiss the gravel

I'll touch the sky
I'll touch the sky
Watch me, watch me
I'll touch the sky
I'll touch
The sky, the sky.

The Sky Is a Neighborhood

Foo Fighters - The sky is a neighborhood

rough sleepless nights

I currently hold a rosary of rough sleepless nights. I wake up in a sweat. I wake up with my body bruised. I wake up and vomit. I wake up and can't sleep anymore. I have nightmares and wake up. I wake up with a fever. So many lonely nights slowly sinking in a sea of salty tears.

Cheap wine and cigarettes don't make it all better anymore. The drugs don't work anymore. The voices in my head are slowly forsaking me. I don't know if that means I'm getting better or if I'm just so toxic even imaginary voices and hallucinations avoid me.

And I'm so tired. So, so tired. I think if I went to bed now I'd sleep for days. I can't wait for the weekend to come. I believe I shall remain in bed the whole weekend. But knowing me, I think I'll run up north to the comfort of my old room in my parents' house. Everything feels so much better there. It feels warm and inviting. Where I live now it's cold and bare. I don't belong in that house. I do believe it's haunted. I need to look for a new place to live.

The only comfort there is Azazel, the feral cat that comes over for a meal. I feed him kitty treats which I buy at the local supermarket. He let's me sit near him but won't let me touch him. I so wish I could pet him. I feel like I need a furry companion. But the "no pets allowed" rule prevents me from having a furry soulmate. It's sad... I pay so much money for rent and I can't even have a pet. Or take a decent shower. Or cook a decent meal. Or feel at home. I feel like I'm living in one of those run-down sleazy motels. I hate that place with a passion. But finding a nice suitable place to live in here in Porto is like searching for the perfect man. It's damn near impossible! I'm so frustrated. I just want to live somewhere quiet, with decent water pressure and a stove which will cook my food in a timely manner.

I'm sleepy. I can't wait for the day to be done so I can go back to that hell-hole and crash... Maybe this night it'll be different.

Look at you now

Joe Purdy - Look at you now

"... you used to have such a pretty little smile..."

You were right, David

I am in a room filled with people and I never felt more alone. Everyone is talking and exchanging ideas. I have nothing. I am nothing. I sometimes think I'm a functioning ghost. People's voices and words meld with the voices in my head. I want to drown them all out but even music doesn't work anymore. I am starting to think I might actually be insane. You were right, David. There is something wrong with me. I guess I just didn't want to admit you were right. I was always sitting at the edge of my seat waiting for the shit to hit the fan because I knew eventually it would and I would be the one to fling it about like a naughty monkey at the zoo. I am sorry.

They usually say: "better late than never", but I case in this case that does not apply. I usually take a long time to realize what people are trying to tell me, or show me about myself because it's like looking in a mirror and I don't want to see myself. Especially through other people's eyes. Particularly through yours.

Day is done. I am left alone with the voices of people I work with and with the voices in my head. It's so loud, sometimes I have to close my eyes and re-focus. Or whatever it's called. But still... sometimes one or two of the voices manages to seep in and completely destroy me. Which seems to be happening a lot lately. It's nobody's fault but my own. I let myself go and refuse help because sometimes those voices are comforting, although they isolate me from the world. Such isolation is soothing because I feel protected. I don't want to hurt anymore and self-sabotage is the only way I know how to keep myself guarded.

But here I am now, David. Letting you know that you were/are right.

Love is dead

It's been a while since I last wrote. I've been a bit jaded for whatever reason. Depression and anxiety took over once more. Anti-depressants and anxiety meds kind of put me on some sort of weird "cruise-control" situation. I am slowly snapping back but I don't feel like myself anymore. I cam out the other end as a different person. I'm not sure yet if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I moved away. I live in Porto now. I also work here. Work is great. Living situation... not so much. The bedroom is quite big but the walls are a mess. The bathroom looks like something from a horror movie. The tile is hideous. I lock myself in every night. I wake up with bruises all over my body and I'm not sure if I am harming myself on myself or if there's some sort of angry ghost trying to get me to leave. Either way, I need to find a new place. I hate it there.

It feels like my personality or my sense of self is slowly being taken over by someone else. Like I'm being possessed. I'm scared. I'm scared but I'm not fighting back. I'm easing in to it. Do I let myself disappear and turn into someone new? Or do I fight for the person I am at the moment? I don't know what to do. I feel so numb! I just want to be happy. I wish I knew how. I'm just shuffling through existence or life like a zombie. Sometimes I cry when I'm at home because feelings hit me hard all at once and I can't deal. Other times I laugh hard when I'm at work because everyone is so awesome. Other times I try to smile but it feels fake. Smiling is a foreign concept to me at the moment. I can't remember the last time I truly really smiled for real. All my smiles now are fake, or feel fake. I don't want to fake smile anymore. It's frustrating.

Sometimes I'm driving home and I get stuck in traffic. I think back to all the people that came into and out of my life. I think of people I haven't seen or talked to in years. I think of people I knew that died. I think of high school and how simple everything was back then. I think further back to when I was just a little girl in grade school and how small and clueless I was. I'm still clueless. I'm no longer small.

I'm growing old. You would think that I would have some answers to life's questions. I don't. I'm as clueless as I was back then. About everything!

As for love? Love... Love is dead. There's nothing left. I am alone and will remain so. It saddens me to know that I will live out the rest of my days in solitude. But I just can't seem to get the love thing right. So I killed it. Or did I...?