Will it ever rain?

A woman outside is screaming. Someone ran over her dog. She is screaming and crying, but I feel nothing. I want to cry and silently mourn the death of the woman's beloved animal, but nothing... not even a fake whimper. My heart is empty, hardened. For days I've tried to cry but I just don't seem to be able. I've lost that ability. For now, it seems. I know that one day soon it'll hit me like a ton of bricks and I'll cry all day and maybe all night too. But for now... nothing. Just numbness. I do feel stuff... but they're like tickles behind my chest or scratches in the back of my brain, just not enough to let lose the ocean of tears I have inside of me to let lose. Also... I feel like crying alone at this moment might be dangerous for me. Because most times I come to the conclusion that the world and the people around me would be much better off without me getting in their way. And so I just hide up in the attic away from everyone and everything waiting for that good big cry to come and wash away all my sadness. Will that day ever come? Will it ever rain?

I am going down. Deep down withing myself. I drown in desperate lonely thoughts that I don't think I can describe in a way people would understand. It's my own private hellish playground. I am only happy when I am asleep. When I sleep, I dream. And my dreams have been wonderful lately. Just last night I dreamed that my mom was baking one of her scrumptious cakes, and she was all  quaalude happy and 70's stylish, and those cakes just slid out of the pan onto the floor and they were so big I could jump around in them as we ate them. So many colors... strawberry red, golden sponge cake, purple blueberry, raspberry pink, chocolaty brown... perfection. I actually woke up smiling even though I had to wake up early to get a penicillin shot. Turns out tonsillitis wasn't tonsillitis at all - it was scarlet fever.

So now I am getting ready to jump back into bed looking forward to the next dream that will take me away from the shit my life is and has become.

Tonight I would like to hang out with my grandparents. I never got to know them all that well. I would love to get advice from them. But hey, that wouldn't really be a dream. Well... it is a dream that I have, but an unattainable one. I guess we'll have plenty of time to talk when it's my time to die. I hope they'll be there to hold my hand and smile. BEcause I can't imagine anything being worse than this life we're living. This is the real hell... Nothing... no tears. Will it ever rain?