Just listen

I feel numb... The tears run down my face but it's some sort of reaction automatically triggered by my body as a means to cope. My brain is shutdown, as is my heart. My eyes gush water as I stand still and stare into nothingness. When my head is about to explode from all the rivers and oceans of pain being purged through my eyes I crawl into bed and hold my knees and just fall there in a fetal position.

I try to sleep I can't. I turn over, and over, and over. 3 am turns to 5 am. And 5 am turns to 8 am. Every time I close my eyes feels like it's been 5 minutes. I can't get any rest. I don't rest anymore.
What should I do now? That is what keeps me awake at night... the anxiety, the fear of always choosing the wrong path. Which path is the right one? Which path will bring me peace of mind and stability? We are never really sure, are we? So why is it that some people are able to do it and I've been trying for so many years and never get that peace of mind and/or stability I so long for? I can't breathe and my heart is pounding.

I realize that there's no real way to know what lies ahead and that scares me to death. I panic. I can't sleep. I can't function. I get out of bed and go about my day as usual - there's the routine. The routine kicks in and I'm on auto-pilot. Incoherent thoughts try to break through but I am paralyzed by fear and anxiety. I just want to crawl back into bed and lie there in the fetal position. I want to wake up between 3 to 5 am to a different reality. I want to be okay. I don't want to live with this uncertainty like a sword over my head about to fall and split me in two. I can't breathe and my heart is pounding.

I know what you're all thinking which is what everyone says... and by everyone I mean the few people I try to explain what it feels like. You're thinking: "girl, it'll be alright". How do you know that? How can you sit there and tell someone that they will be alright? What would you do if she turns around to cross the street and gets hit by a car and dies? I guess that's a way of everything being alright - she's dead! She won't worry anymore. She won't panic anymore. She won't have to deal with anxiety and fear anymore. She'll be at peace (or so they say). There's no way to know anything. Don't tell people like me everything will be alright. Just listen... I can't breathe and my heart is pounding. But listen... I see you. You don't see me. I can't breathe and my heart is pounding so loud it might burst out of my chest. But listen... just listen.