Last night

I've spent the last four days in hell. I was really sick. Fever, sore throat, my whole body was aching and all I could think of was the past. But not like linear or coherent... It was like I was watching clips of the movie that is/was my life. I came to the conclusion that I've fucked up my life over and over and over and over again because I try to be someone I am not. I try to be what people expect me to be. And I have written about this before on this very same blog but I keep repeating that same mistake. Why?

I wish I could go back to when I was fifteen and just slap myself across the face. Would I wake up? Maybe not. I suppose I would still make the same stupid mistakes and still fuck up my life. In the end it's not just the trying to be someone else for someone that fucked up my life. It was a number of little stupid choices like: "I'm too tired. I'm not going to class today." or "This is too hard; I'm not even going to try. I'll just do the minimum." or "I'm still young. I can teach for a couple of years to make some money and then dive into my art". And that is what fucked up my life - wasted opportunities. Because dealings and relationships with boys and/or men are just life lessons, but wasted opportunities... you don't learn a thing from that. You just regret not taking the plunge or doing what you loved to do because you were trying to follow parental advice on how to be practical. What happens then? You end up working at a call center with a college degree and a master's.

So... to all you young-ins out there reading this - don't be stupid. Don't be afraid to do what you love. Don't take a break from classes. Give it 100% even when it's too hard and you hate the subject - always try and do your best. Don't end up like me. This is my advice to you and it would have been my advice to myself 20 years ago.

I guess that if my fucked up life can be a lesson to anyone out there reading this, it has served it's purpose and I will be content.

And this is what was spinning and creeping and crawling through my mind last night: missed opportunities, who shall remain nameless, my family, Paul (the best friend I rarely speak to these days - I'm just too depressed and don't want to bring him down with me), where I am now and where I could have been, where I could be in the future, ways to relieve anxiety, and I fall asleep.

I believe tonight will be most of the same: what was, what is, what could have been and what will be. My mind is stuck on this. I wish I could only think and focus on what will be. I don't want to drown in the past anymore. I don't want to relive my mistakes. I can't take them back. Would if I could. But I can't, so I won't. Those mistakes are like scars - they make me the person I am. Some of them are physical scars. But the emotional ones... those are the hardest to heal. Some of them are still festering wounds. But those too will heal, in time...