I won't

I haven't been sleeping that well these past few nights. I keep dreaming of blood... like I'm swimming in it, or it's raining blood, or the blood flows from my veins and I'm surrounded by pools of my own blood. And I am just standing there, completely numb. Like I'm oblivious to what's happening. I don't know what that means to my current state of affairs. I have nothing going on except for work.

I think of him still. I worry about him. But it was time. I could not live that way anymore. I had lost myself. I didn't like who I was and who I was becoming. I'm at peace now. I loved him. I love him still. But I can't not be who I am. Sometimes love doesn't conquer all. This was one of those times. Seems love never conquers anything when it comes to me...

I did try. I tried so hard to make it work... but in the end, it just wasn't meant to be. I'm not built for love it seems. So I'll just give up on it forever. I'm done. I have all these wounds that won't heal. Old wounds. New wounds. Time to sit back and just breathe. Love feels a lot like going round and round in circles,,, eventually you fall down. I fell too many times now. I just want to sit the rest of it out.

I don't want to call him. I'm too weak to call him. Perhaps I'm not weak, just way too strong and I don't want to hurt him. But no one knows what happened to him. Seems he disappeared. I don't think I should get involved even though we did share so much together. I shouldn't. I won't.