I was driving to work today and "There is no if..." by The Cure started playing (I've been very into The Cure lately... again! I just love Robert Smith and his musical genius!) and I started to think about my past loves... I always seemed to screw up a good thing when I had it and always jumped into bad relationships. Do I have some kind of doomed love affair syndrome? I lost out on so many perfectly decent guys that did love me. And I just stomped all over them. I have many regrets about all the stupid-ass things I did and said to them. I wish I could tell them I'm sorry so I can move on and find some measure of peace. I know you might be thinking "Why the hell don't you call them? Or facebook them? Or whatever them?" - believe me people... I've tried. I've tried many times to say that I was sorry and explain that I was scared and stupid and young and knew nothing about anything. I still don't know a God damned thing except that I was wrong and hurtful. For that I am sorry. I guess I just felt ready to let the world know how bad I feel for the things the person I used to be did. I guess I was just a stupid girl trying to get revenge for a lost first love that did the same thing to me. I realize now that my whole love life was and is a lie built on the hurt I felt and the hurt I wanted others to feel. How blind I was... I'm glad that now I am able to share these thoughts with all who read this and hopefully someone on the same road might realize sooner than I did that it's a long, lonely and dark road. Stear clear of it! And now that I've been without a relationship for over a year I feel happier and now I feel a little more at peace by sharing my past mistakes. I hope that if any of you guys are reading this you can forgive me. Most of you are all married now. I want you to know that I am glad you found TRUE love. Hopefully I'll find it too someday. If not at least I admited my faults and will die a fulfilled and happy woman.
We are growing old and the time when we thought we'd live forever has passed. We are not immortal and only our actions define us. My actions were rebelious and hurtful to many people. I am now taking the chance while I still can to make up for all the crap I did to my former lovers. And that's it, I guess... This is the realization of my mortality, new found humility and acceptance.
2 comentários:
I takes a brave man, or woman, to admit that he, or she is wrong - it takes an even braver one to try to make amends, to go back in time and somehow fix the unfixable, cure the untreatable and turn back the course of history itself.
And yet, should such a thing even be remotely possible, you are who you are today BECAUSE of your pain, your suffering and your growth as a person.
Easier though it might have been to be you right now, it wouldn't be the better you, the humble you, the life-savvy you...
Proud of you girl, you're on track to a beautiful, beautiful live... ;)
Your words mean the world to me because of how right they are: my experiences taught me so much and the pain just helped me grow as a person. Thank you so much. :)
Enviar um comentário