we are not gods!

I long for silence... the voices in my head are growing stronger and angry. It used to be easy to control such thoughts but now I am weary and cannot contain them much longer. I want to cry out agains unreasonable people that always try to put me down. I want to yell at my father so he can wake up and open his eyes. I want to scream at myself for not taking care of my body and soul. I want to shout at the world for it's constant pouring of evil into all of us. All we do is buy, buy, buy! We buy all sorts of things we don't need. We give in too easily... we give in too fast. When will we stop to look at the beauty that surrounds us? When will we put away our wallets and stop trying to buy the world? When will we realize that we are not gods?

I am sure that I am not a God and I know I won't live forever. I want to live! I want to experience all that the world has to offer. I want to be mother, teacher, daughter, lover... but love keeps slipping through my fingers like sand in a desert... I keep running towards it furiously but I just keep finding illusions... oasis... not true love. It's the one thing I don't have and it's the one thing I ache for the most. I ache for it... At night when I close my eyes to sleep and darkness seeps in I dream of a love that even time would lie still for. A god would have been able to make such miracles happen... so therefore, I am not a god. I am not even close... death will take me one day... sooner or later we all dance with Death. We cry, we try to reason with it but in the end Death takes us all... we fear it because we don't understand it. We fear it because we think it's the end of our world and our god-like status (for those who think of themselves as gods). Many fear it because they think (know) they will be sent to the deepest pits of hell. I don't fear hell because the life I am living now is the worst hell I could ever dream up for myself. I think that death is only the beginning... of what I don't know. But I like to think that all my ancestors are waiting for me and will greet me with such love that I've never known before. A tear comes to my eye just imagining such love being showered upon me. Don't get me wrong... I am not in a hurry to die. I have yet much to accomplish and much to suffer. I have much to live for and can't wait for the next chapter. Every year is a chapter... the days are pages. And my life is a book. And this blog contains some fragments that will live on here in cyberspace.

Lost In Thought

Lost in thought
the ghost in you
gets caught
in a night of blue

searching for happiness
as I have sought...
escaping madness
and avoiding doubt

No sorrow nor pain,
No love nor winning,
No loss nor gain,
life is just living...

The world is deserted
as our two bodies melt
I think how I yearn for it
and this lust I never felt

takes over my being
and burns me inside
I surrender to you smiling
like an innocent child...

And falling asleep
safe from all harm
never felt so sweet
here in your arms...

Until the End of Time

As day turns to night
my heart weighs heavy
you're out of sight.
my tears are steady
and I fear I might
not be ready
for this fight.
you are my love
my burning light.
the one I think of
when I go to bed at night
until dawn's first light.
you appease the tormented sea
that raged inside of me
the clouds disappear
whenever you're near
my heart starts to race
when you touch my face
when I look in your eyes
I fall into a pool of sighs
and in your protecting arms
I succumb to all of your charms
I close my eyes and realize
you silenced my cries
I leave you with a soft kiss
you're the one I'll always miss
24 hours are too long for me
I know you agree...
I wish time would sit still
and bend to my will
So that I could always be with you,
and remember what I already knew...
I am yours and you are mine
until the end of time...

Life passing by

I am 33 years old and lost many of my beliefs, hopes and dreams. If you put your ear to my chest you might possibly hear the ocean! I am an empty shell of the person I used to be. I guess maybe my fairytale was never meant to be. I was never the princess nor the girl for whom the prince falls. I am just an extra in a movie... the one in the crowd that no one notices. The girl without a voice.

I always longed for a simple life with someone to hold my hand through life. Waking up in the country and walking barefoot on the wet grass having a cup of coffee... closing my eyes and feeling his touch while we watch the sun rise behind the mountains. I dream of sitting on my porch watching time passing by... smilling and waving always with a warm cheek touched by his kiss.

But I guess the hole inside me will never be filled even though I long for happiness... but the things we want the most are always the things we never get to have. Life is cruel that way. But even though I'm drowning in blue I still have a glimmer of hope that just maybe... but then I close my eyes and all I see is nothingness... oblivion. I am still the unknown, unwanted, voiceless girl in a sea of people trying desperately to be seen...

Time passes by, people move, they fall in and out of love, life goes on, trees grow... everything speeding, moving faster and faster... I am standing still watching all these things happen. I long to be part of them... I long to live at the same speed, in the same frequency. But I am not able. I stand still and just watch as life passes me by.

Under the same skies

What do you do when you happen to come across someone that has the same thoughts, hopes, imagination, likes and dislikes... and very much everything else in common? But what if that person is out of reach or unavailable to you? What if that person is already taken? Do you go back to the drawing board or do you just give up?

I dream of our long conversations about life, art, thought process, music, cinema... everything... anything. We could even write gibberish and still I'd be excited to read it. But I'm torn... this person is completely unavailable and far from me. I feel a storm brewing inside of me trying to burst out through a magnificent hue of emotion. And yet I am calm... I am calm, sad, excited, happy, weary, hopeful, hopeless... everything... nothing...

When will the universe stop slapping me around? When will it stop throwing these curb balls at me? Why must I hurt this much? I feel like a speck of dust forgotten by God enlessly blowing in the wind with no rest and no place to call home.

And even though we are under the same skies, enjoying the same sunsets and breathe the same air we are far apart and live in different realities. He is another's... and I am still alone looking out my window watching the rain fall waiting for my other half to knock on my door and make me whole again.

To all the boys I've loved before

I was driving to work today and "There is no if..." by The Cure started playing (I've been very into The Cure lately... again! I just love Robert Smith and his musical genius!) and I started to think about my past loves... I always seemed to screw up a good thing when I had it and always jumped into bad relationships. Do I have some kind of doomed love affair syndrome? I lost out on so many perfectly decent guys that did love me. And I just stomped all over them. I have many regrets about all the stupid-ass things I did and said to them. I wish I could tell them I'm sorry so I can move on and find some measure of peace. I know you might be thinking "Why the hell don't you call them? Or facebook them? Or whatever them?" - believe me people... I've tried. I've tried many times to say that I was sorry and explain that I was scared and stupid and young and knew nothing about anything. I still don't know a God damned thing except that I was wrong and hurtful. For that I am sorry. I guess I just felt ready to let the world know how bad I feel for the things the person I used to be did. I guess I was just a stupid girl trying to get revenge for a lost first love that did the same thing to me. I realize now that my whole love life was and is a lie built on the hurt I felt and the hurt I wanted others to feel. How blind I was... I'm glad that now I am able to share these thoughts with all who read this and hopefully someone on the same road might realize sooner than I did that it's a long, lonely and dark road. Stear clear of it! And now that I've been without a relationship for over a year I feel happier and now I feel a little more at peace by sharing my past mistakes. I hope that if any of you guys are reading this you can forgive me. Most of you are all married now. I want you to know that I am glad you found TRUE love. Hopefully I'll find it too someday. If not at least I admited my faults and will die a fulfilled and happy woman.

We are growing old and the time when we thought we'd live forever has passed. We are not immortal and only our actions define us. My actions were rebelious and hurtful to many people. I am now taking the chance while I still can to make up for all the crap I did to my former lovers. And that's it, I guess... This is the realization of my mortality, new found humility and acceptance.

I'm not living, I'm just killing time...

untitled

I am not who they want me to be
I refuse to be bound by society
who else should I be but me?
I am nothing more than what you see
A girl who grew up a freak
who cares not for what others seek
I refuse all their lies
and live in a world of sighs
waiting for that someone
that'll make me undone
the trembling knees
that no one sees
the racing heart
that tears apart
body from soul
causing loss of control
reason leaves the mind
not able to find
fault in perfect beauty
that is before me...
Dreams and sighs
that I now despise
for they'll never come true
and my world is left a skew.
So I become the outcast
alone at last
but still waiting
still dreaming
for you...

Death is not the end... or is it?

I've been thinking a lot about death lately. Don't really know why. I've been thinking a lot about people I loved and have passed away. Friends... Family... Gone. Many religious beliefs tell us that death is not the end... that we come back as someone else, or that we move on to some awesome afterlife. I'd like to believe in something... but the truth is I am so tired and beaten by life that I don't believe in anything anymore.

Some years ago I had a recurring dream... I was a woman with long black hair dressed in a blue dress that flowed in the wind. I was by a large lake surrounded by mountains and I was playing with my feet in the water. I was happy and felt warm and safe. But suddenly a feeling of dread ... and then I'd wake up in a sweat. This dream haunted me for a few years... 3 years ago I moved back home and the dream never came again. But for the time I had the dream I felt like something or someone was calling out for me and it gave me hope and a feeling that maybe fate had something in store for me. Or maybe it was a dream of a past life... something! But now... I feel like there's nothing out there. I feel like when we die we fall into a dark void and cease to exist. Oblivion!

I want to believe as I did before but I feel hopeless and helpless and forgotten... maybe I've had my share of happiness... maybe I'm not meant to be happy. Maybe I'm just a mistake.

The point of all this is where do we come from and where are we going? Where do we go when we die? Do we have souls that live on as energy? Or are we just pieces of meat that are put to the ground to rott? Is there an afterlife or only nothingness?

I wish I could talk to the trees so they could tell me what they've seen. I wish I could see the future so I know what's in store for me... Death is certain (when and how I do not know). But what comes after? Is death the end or is it just the beggining?

My Reflection

I love this piccture I took of the tiles that remember the great spanish poet Don Manuel Machado. The mirror on the lower right corner captured my reflection. :)

Baked Goodies from Seville

This is a nice traditional bakery I found downtown Seville and just fell in love with all the baked goodies I saw on display. :)

Gone and back again

Hey everybody!

I went to Seville in Spain for a couple of weeks on an exchange program. I loved the city! And during Holy Week! The spanish people take Holy Week very seriously!

I went for a couple of days... experienced all I could experience (and tolerate... I'm not big on clubs or crappy music). I went to a live flamenco bar! It was my favourite experience! I walked those streets everyday for hours just taking it all in. But sadly, even surrounded by so many people of so many different places (there were many tourists around) I still felt alone.

So that's that... I went and now I'm back home. Still the same sad little girl hoping for better things to come. Hopefully the things I long for are not far ahead... :)

Santa Maria de la Sede Cathedral - Seville

Cathedral Ceiling