I almost smiled

Every day I'm surrounded by people and every day I talk to people from all over the world and still I feel more alone than ever. I've never felt this lonely. The best part of my day is the short texts I get from him. After that... the best thing is to lay in my bed and close my eyes. I don't even notice that I'm drifting off. Most times I think about how awful it would be if I lost those short text messages. I would be heartbroken. Even though I can say that I don't believe nothing will come of it the text messages give me strength to make it through the day. And I'm a fool... I'm an old fool standing outside in the rain looking in. No one is there, but I can see a sort of parallel universe. Somewhere, some different lifetime where I live life to the fullest and I laugh and laugh until tears roll down my face. Happy tears. Not the tears that run down my face these days. The tears that soak my pillow late at night because the loneliness cuts so deep it hurts. Lonely tears that break through the damns I've built throughout the years. It took me a lifetime to build those damns and only seconds to destroy them all. Sometimes I cry so hard I think I will never be able to stop. Other times I just don't feel anything. But most times I feel everything all at once and I don't know if I should laugh or cry or sing or scream... And sometimes it just feels like I just got punched in the stomach. You all know that feeling when someone tells you: "it's over." - I feel that sometimes, that gut wrenching feeling like the whole world is about to end. Sometimes it feels like I'm standing still and everyone is moving way too fast for me to keep up with. All I can do is just stand there and watch everyone else live their live while I'm stuck in what feels like quicksand and then I feel like I just woke up from a really horrible nightmare only to realize that it's not over and I'm still in the nightmare. Then I think of the text messages... and my mind is still. And for a second, I swear, I almost smiled... But then I open my eyes and I know that the text messages will one day cease. I don't want to think about that time for now. I just want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow to the sound of a text message being delivered to my phone.