Random thoughts

I don't recognize myself anymore. I feel like the person I was 20 years ago has completely disappeared. I didn't quite like the person I was before but I keep being told that person was way more fun than the person I am now. But the person I am now is who I always wanted to be. The person I was before was always surrounded by drama and always had this urgent need of being in relationships - destructive relationships. The person I was before was self-destructive, mean, confused, rebellious and hateful. Odd enough, the person I was before was quite luckier than the person I am now - I had more friends, a more active social life. Today, all I want to do is sleep and maybe cuddle with someone. I don't want all the "perks" that come with an active social life - I don't care about going out, making friends or treating other people cruelly and play with their feelings. I was a real bitch. I regret a lot of the shit I did to other people and some of the choices I made along the way. But in the end, I got to where I wanted to be. I'm a solid person. Even though my shit's not in order, I know who I am and I'm not confused about stuff anymore. I know what I want. I want peace and quiet. Having fun isn't going to loud places and having a thousand friends. You can be surrounded by people and still feel alone. Having fun is doing stuff that puts a smile on your face and not do stuff because you feel obliged or you feel like other people expect you to do it. Being yourself is the most freedom you'll ever experience, so don't let other people expectations transform you. You don't have to be what other people want you to be, you can be yourself. There will always be someone out there that will love you for it. I know, I know... no one is in love with me. But give it time. It may happen, if I let it.

On the topic of love and falling in love... I've thought long and hard about it and I find it odd how so many people in the world have a relationship and act like their married. Boyfriend... Girlfriend. Why do people think those are the same as Husband or Wife? I don't get it. The so-called "friends with benefits" is what I think a relationship should be. Don't get all up in each other's business. Relax! Chill... you don't have to be like conjoined twins. You are two people! Live your own lives and come together when it suits both of you. Whoever you may be. I feel like I'm handing out advice now. But not really. I'm just getting my thoughts in order.

If your heart is broken or if you fear getting your heart broken - it will happen many times throughout your life. Fear will cripple the whole experience. The more you fear getting your heart broken the more toxic the connection will be and then it surely will end in tears. Keep in mind that nothing is forever. Even your own life has an end. Seasons end. Everything changes. The one thing that never changes it's change itself. Let yourself feel everything and enjoy every minute of it. Life is short.

So... in the end, whatever comes your way be sure and confident - you can handle it.

LET'S WALK IN THE RAIN

The Saddest Girl in the World

Tonight I'll cry myself to sleep
Because my soul is his to keep
and before I am hallow as a shell
I must forget that I have lived well
Because holding  such memories
so vivid within that everyone sees
might make it harder for someone
to let go and completely come undone,
even for someone as fair as him.
And for a split second secrets dim...
I'm wrapped around his finger
I want to leave but I always linger.
I'm the saddest girl in the world,
the saddest girl without a soul.
My crystal clear sad eyes
are empty behind all these sighs.
reckless, helpless, young and numb!
fearless, hopeless, young and dumb!
empty, sad, afraid and all alone...
hardly alive, heart hardened to stone
by him, by the world, by the universe.
unable to push through and disperse
all these thoughts I wish to un-think.
erase, go back, and run back to me!
be kind, rewind, and I'll make you see
that what's to come is so much better
than what came before...

I almost smiled

Every day I'm surrounded by people and every day I talk to people from all over the world and still I feel more alone than ever. I've never felt this lonely. The best part of my day is the short texts I get from him. After that... the best thing is to lay in my bed and close my eyes. I don't even notice that I'm drifting off. Most times I think about how awful it would be if I lost those short text messages. I would be heartbroken. Even though I can say that I don't believe nothing will come of it the text messages give me strength to make it through the day. And I'm a fool... I'm an old fool standing outside in the rain looking in. No one is there, but I can see a sort of parallel universe. Somewhere, some different lifetime where I live life to the fullest and I laugh and laugh until tears roll down my face. Happy tears. Not the tears that run down my face these days. The tears that soak my pillow late at night because the loneliness cuts so deep it hurts. Lonely tears that break through the damns I've built throughout the years. It took me a lifetime to build those damns and only seconds to destroy them all. Sometimes I cry so hard I think I will never be able to stop. Other times I just don't feel anything. But most times I feel everything all at once and I don't know if I should laugh or cry or sing or scream... And sometimes it just feels like I just got punched in the stomach. You all know that feeling when someone tells you: "it's over." - I feel that sometimes, that gut wrenching feeling like the whole world is about to end. Sometimes it feels like I'm standing still and everyone is moving way too fast for me to keep up with. All I can do is just stand there and watch everyone else live their live while I'm stuck in what feels like quicksand and then I feel like I just woke up from a really horrible nightmare only to realize that it's not over and I'm still in the nightmare. Then I think of the text messages... and my mind is still. And for a second, I swear, I almost smiled... But then I open my eyes and I know that the text messages will one day cease. I don't want to think about that time for now. I just want to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow to the sound of a text message being delivered to my phone.