Wednesday Ramblings

I've been very on edge lately. Like the wrong word or look might set me off. I've been wanting certain things that I know aren't right. But you know what they say: You know it's bad for you but it feels oh, so good! My body is telling me one thing, actually it's screaming out for something I don't want to give it. I'm scared of losing control again. I've lost control of my life so losing control over myself again is not an option. Even if it means I must remain away from the world, even if it means being alone all the time and not having friends. I don't think I'm ready to put myself out there again. I don't want to lose control and I don't want to get hurt again. I don't think I'd come back from that again... Having your heart broken over and over is a lot like breaking one of your favorite knick-knacks and glueing it back together: there will always be pieces missing and you'll get to a point when you realize that it's best to throw it away and buy a new one. But the thing is you can't get a new heart. If you get to a point when you have to get a new heart then you know you're in trouble. What I'm trying to say is that I'm close to that point and I really don't want to have to live without heart. I've lost my passion fir lots of things. That spark in my eye burned out. The smile on my lips died. The joy in my voice is silent. I'm not the person I was. I am not the person I wanted to be. I'm a shadow, a fragment of a bad dream I once had years ago. I'm a fucking clichet! The eternally brooding bad girl destroyed by love (or lack of it). All I want is... to be happy. I don't want to be stressed out all the time. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough. I don't want to feel like a screw-up. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I want to have fun without feeling guilty or worrying what other people might think. I want to experience everything like I'm living it for the first time. I want to feel again. I don't want to be numb anymore. I want to get myself back! I want to be myself again...