November 1st

It's the first day of november and I feel like something has to change. I feel like my life is being pulled out under me like an old rug. I have no idea what to do, who to be or where to go. I feel like a headless chicken running around crazy those last minutes of it's life. I think back to the person I used to be and I don't like what I remember but I also don't like what I now see in the mirror. When I was young I never wanted to be the person that I am now. And now I realize that I never wanted to be the person I was either. So the question is who am I really? Am I myself or am I what other people want me to be? I'm so confused... All I ever wanted out of life I never got. I wanted to make a diference in the world, never happened. Wanted to find love, never happened. Wanted peace and quite, hasn't happened either. Wanted to live somwhere far from this place, hasn't happened. I feel like if I have to sum up all of my life I can come to the conclusion that I'm a failure. I'm left wanting. Sometimes I feel like there's an emptiness inside me that nothing can appease. Sometimes I feel like there's a yearning that burns inside me and makes me dream of things not far behind, of things yet to come. But then I look up at the moon and I realize that I am still here, in this reality, where I am a failure and people laugh at me behind my back. Sometimes I just close my eyes and whish myself away. But when I open them I realize that another day is coming. Another day I have to get through and endure. I often ask myself when will I wake up? When will I open my eyes to a diferent reality? I know that our fates are what we make of them but I feel like all the fight I had in me is gone and I just want to lay down and sleep. I feel like I could sleep forever...