Open your eyes

open your eyes and turn your head
you're laying on a hospital bed
like a dead body in a casket
pushing daisies through a basket.

You can't move or say a word
you were never who they think you are
and as you let slip your soul
you thank God for all the scars

because they define you
they made you special
even if you thought it wasn't true
even though you thought them evil

open your eyes and see yourself here
I'm not the girl you think I am
I'm not who i appear to be
my life has been a sham...

I feel my soul slipping away
wasted feelings in my pocket
But I'm not the one who's crazy
I'll take them with me in my casket

I open my eyes and turn my head
I see myself staring back at me
I smile remembering what you've said
But I am not crazy...

Quicksand

Heart races
mouth is dry
my mind escapes
to a sweet lie

his hand on my skin
is pure illusion
that makes my head spin
and dive into confusion

your breath on my neck
and whispered words
are but a tiny speck
of sighs being answered...

Inside me a fire burns
and purges hunger
And the longest yearns
exist no longer...

I spread my legs to the sun
and it fills me with sighs
that have yet to be broken
by the look in his eyes...

And here I lay
warm and content
with nothing to say
and with no repent.

I close my eyes
the sun on my face
hides all the lies
that I have misplaced...

I fall back to reality
with trembling hands
for the world to see me
drowning in quicksand...

Your Words...

Your words are like liquid
flowing free and irrelevant
reminiscint of what we did
of what I want to do and can't

of what I always wished for
but can never get
of a song I heard before
but hasn't been writen yet

your eyes pierce my soul
your lips haunt my dreams
your hands try to grab hold
to silence my screams

And now that I am quiet
You break through my barrier
looking for the girl who riots
but I am no longer her...

And your words bounce off me
like raindrops from the sky
because now that I am free
I wont fall back into a lie...

Wednesday Ramblings

I've been very on edge lately. Like the wrong word or look might set me off. I've been wanting certain things that I know aren't right. But you know what they say: You know it's bad for you but it feels oh, so good! My body is telling me one thing, actually it's screaming out for something I don't want to give it. I'm scared of losing control again. I've lost control of my life so losing control over myself again is not an option. Even if it means I must remain away from the world, even if it means being alone all the time and not having friends. I don't think I'm ready to put myself out there again. I don't want to lose control and I don't want to get hurt again. I don't think I'd come back from that again... Having your heart broken over and over is a lot like breaking one of your favorite knick-knacks and glueing it back together: there will always be pieces missing and you'll get to a point when you realize that it's best to throw it away and buy a new one. But the thing is you can't get a new heart. If you get to a point when you have to get a new heart then you know you're in trouble. What I'm trying to say is that I'm close to that point and I really don't want to have to live without heart. I've lost my passion fir lots of things. That spark in my eye burned out. The smile on my lips died. The joy in my voice is silent. I'm not the person I was. I am not the person I wanted to be. I'm a shadow, a fragment of a bad dream I once had years ago. I'm a fucking clichet! The eternally brooding bad girl destroyed by love (or lack of it). All I want is... to be happy. I don't want to be stressed out all the time. I don't want to feel like I'm not good enough. I don't want to feel like a screw-up. I don't want to feel like that anymore. I want to have fun without feeling guilty or worrying what other people might think. I want to experience everything like I'm living it for the first time. I want to feel again. I don't want to be numb anymore. I want to get myself back! I want to be myself again...

Untitled

My soul is too big for my body
my eyes too sad for my face
my senses too numb to feel
my life too far from grace...


I want to crawl outside the world
and fall asleep with the stars
set free my crumpled soul
and make it ours...


my lips are too cold to kiss
my tongue too dry to taste
my touch too rough to miss
and my legs too old to haste


I want to fall into you
and be one of your dreams
My name echoing through
your morning silent screams...

blue

I am the ocean: sometimes wild and destructive, other times calm and soothing...

but always blue!

The girl with sad eyes

My smiling face hides it's grace
my everlasting grin is made of sin
my thoughtfoul remarks sound like barks
while my hands carry out simple plans

my feet walk to the same beat
my arms surrender to your charms
as my lips draw your hands to my hips
but my eyes hide all the cries...

you see, all of me is a lie
what you don't know
is that inside I die

to anyone who can really see
I am the girl with the sad eyes
that is who I am, that is me...

November 1st

It's the first day of november and I feel like something has to change. I feel like my life is being pulled out under me like an old rug. I have no idea what to do, who to be or where to go. I feel like a headless chicken running around crazy those last minutes of it's life. I think back to the person I used to be and I don't like what I remember but I also don't like what I now see in the mirror. When I was young I never wanted to be the person that I am now. And now I realize that I never wanted to be the person I was either. So the question is who am I really? Am I myself or am I what other people want me to be? I'm so confused... All I ever wanted out of life I never got. I wanted to make a diference in the world, never happened. Wanted to find love, never happened. Wanted peace and quite, hasn't happened either. Wanted to live somwhere far from this place, hasn't happened. I feel like if I have to sum up all of my life I can come to the conclusion that I'm a failure. I'm left wanting. Sometimes I feel like there's an emptiness inside me that nothing can appease. Sometimes I feel like there's a yearning that burns inside me and makes me dream of things not far behind, of things yet to come. But then I look up at the moon and I realize that I am still here, in this reality, where I am a failure and people laugh at me behind my back. Sometimes I just close my eyes and whish myself away. But when I open them I realize that another day is coming. Another day I have to get through and endure. I often ask myself when will I wake up? When will I open my eyes to a diferent reality? I know that our fates are what we make of them but I feel like all the fight I had in me is gone and I just want to lay down and sleep. I feel like I could sleep forever...