Loveless Pain

Tears run me through like knives
I am sure as the warm bright sun
That we lead wretched lives
Forgetting all the bad things we've done
The stars are like pinholes in the curtain of night
They remind me of the dirty pores of my skin
How can something so wrong feel so right?
And every sad tear I shed
shall overflow under the cold moon
For I am ashamed of the life I led
And now I'm surrounded by gloom
I still remember your unsettling grin
As you lay beside me on my bed
I still feel your warm breath
and I picture it all in my head
It all haunts me in my dreams
every excruciating word you said
that I try to drown with my screams...
Nothing is as it seems
but I can't hide the pain anymore
I don't think I'll ever love again
I already shut that door
It causes too much pain...
Someone is trying to get close...
All the questions he asks
the moves he makes
all he wants are the facts
of what made me break...
Love destroys the spirit
of anyone who dares give it.
I haunt the night
Away from light
Driving myself insane
with this loveless pain...

Hopeless and broken

Summer ended abruptly this year... there was no time for autumn. Winter came and with it nothing new. Except for the widening of the hole I have where my heart used to beat. I close my eyes and listen... but nothing. There is no heart beating. It froze. I do not think it will ever melt. It came as sudden as this year's winter but unlike the seasons it will not change. I fear I am bound to this frozen heart for the rest of my days. Nothing brings me much confort or joy. Not even the dream realm gives me hope anymore. I am the perfect picture of sorrow. As I am sitting here writting this I sometimes stop and look out my window. The flickering lights of houses far away used to light up some sense of wonder but this night that curiosity is dead. I don't care to imagine what other people might be doing at this hour. I don't care to imagine that "the one" might be under the same dark sky looking up trying to find stars through the curtain of clouds that winter brought feeling the cold rain on his cheeks and barely smilling while wondering... I don't care for those things at all anymore. All they breed is bitterniss, frustration, anger, loneliness, sorrow... I care not for any of those things. I care not for anything anymore! I just want to lay down, rest my tired head and my weary body, and just sleep. I know that tomorrow the same lights of houses far from here will still be flickering and people will still be going about their business and I will still be here stitting at my desk... hopeless and broken.

Gone

I ran from myself for far too long
now the memories have faded
like an old song
that has been bettered

I close my eyes and darkness seeps in
there's nothing left of the world
I once created and lived in
there is nothing left of my soul

This broken shell you call body
is but an empty vessel
for those who are angry
for those who are blissful...

I am bored of this life
I am tired of walking
the edge of a knife
constantly acting

and playing a part
that does not suit me
I gave away my heart
so I could be set free

but the emptiness took over
and the absence of emotion
is like a cronic blister
that you treat with caution...

I have lost all desire
I'm finished and done
there's no more fire
everything is gone.

misery...

There is a hole inside me the size of the world. Sometimes it seems to burn from the inside and all that's left is ash... I'm affraid that one day a strong wind will come and blow what's left of me away. I have seen such wonders that manypeople can only imagine. I have felt such sorrow that I do not wish it on anyone... even to those who hate me and wouldsee me fall. Every waking hour I fight against the tears that try to pierce my eyes. Every waking hour is a struggleto move on. I keep telling myself over and over "just breathe". I close my eyes and just hear myself breathing. I struggleto keep focus. I struggle against my anger. I struggle in this town... I try to fit in but there is no way I'll ever belong.Not only because I am different but also because I don't want to. People often say that I am weird and see me as a ditsy little thing just stumbling through but the truth is I just let them underestimate them because I don't want to have to deal with any of their backstabbing ways. Still they try to bring me down. What is it about me that is so threatening? I stillhaven't figured out why some people feel so threatened by me... I am just a poor aging woman trying to live in peace... I am here because of my son. If it weren't for him I would never have come back here. I absolutely HATE it here. I wish I could leave. But I can't... so everyone will just have to learn how to deal with that and find a way to leave me be.I don't want any of your cracker ass drama. I just want to be left alone to do my job. That's it. It might bring you allpleasure to know that my life is at it's best misery... so please... just leave me be or I promise you I will make you chokeon all the crap you send my way. I will not be stepped on and I am most definitely not a person to be trifled with.This is who I am... I am hurting and I am down... but if you keep poking me with a stick I will bite! Head my warning!Just leave me be and direct all your drama towards someone else I haven't the stomach for it nor the patience to dealwith bitchiness. But I will destroy anyone who gets on my last nerve and I am reaching the limit... I am at the thin line... I beg of you all, not for my sake but for yours, stop all of your punk-ass drama! You should direct such energies towardsbeing better people and helping others and not wasting your lives away on trying to bring down a sad little pup like me.Anyway... I can't help but feel flattered... even though I still don't know why I get people all hot and bothered. I amnothing... like I said, my life is at it's best misery. But you know what they say: "Misery loves company!"

My past caught up with me last night...

I was without internet connection since sunday. Yesterday they came and fixed it. I was excited to get my social life back. In my case, cyber social life... it's a long debate but many people think and defend that the cyber social life kills the real social life... I guess that maybe in some ways this is true. But that's another story. And so I started surfing the web again... reading news, looking up friends (old and new), listening to music (also old and new), looking up movie reviews, and other stuff... and a name that I haven't thought about in a long time popped up in my head... so as tha curious bug that I am I looked him up on facebook. A rush of emotions ran through me... but in the end one feeling stood out the most: pain. He hurt me. He broke my heart. It is safe to say that my heart hasn't been broken too many times because I never let myself get hurt. I never let myself fall in love. I always ran from love... but this one time I actually believed it was possible to be happy. I was so wrong... I opened up my heart and gave myself to a man that never was... and got my heart broken. It hurts still... because the man I thought him to be was never real. He was always an illusion I let myself believe in. And so that's what I miss... the man I thought him to be but never was. The man of my dreams. Does he exist? I don't know... and sometimes I think I'll never know. I guess maybe I had my happiness... or maybe I'm meant to roam the earth hoping and searching for someone or something that doesn't exist...

Withered

Light has faded from my eyes
poetry has left my lips
your name gone from my cries
my heart eclipsed

broken into a million small pieces
that no one in the world can see
for you it's beating ceases
even after all this time free

my soul still lingers
clasping what isn't there
remembers your soft fingers
running through my hair

your big blue stare
running me through
naked and bare
all for you!

But you weren't mine
you aren't mine still
I crossed the thin line
and followed my will

And now I live in hell
a baren place I created
I have broken and left my shell
for a love that was never fated.

All of your words, your sighs
the sweet look in your eyes
were all simple lies

that I thought true
because I believed you
because I loved you...

Going back

I often find myself wondering if I could go back in time what would I do different? Would I change anything? Would I try to "fix" my life? Maybe the question I should ask myself is if I could go back knowing what I know today would I do anything different? I thought about it very carefully and the truth is I made many mistakes throughout my life. I am not that old but I have quite a record of bad decisions and mistakes. Even though I am aware that many people hold such mistakes against me I don't think I'd change anything because every decision I made however wrong it was it made me who I am today. And I must say that I like who I am now. I don't like who I was but I am content with who I am. Of course there are things that I'd like to change but I realize that everyone has something they'd like to change. And you know what? That's just how life is... if we were all perfect and happy we would be gods and therefore we'd be somewhere else and not on this Earth and that would be a shame because however gloomy, harsh and unfair the world can be it also has such beauty and simplicity that it makes my heart weep and sing and the same time. It's true that I am not happy with my surroundings... but I am trying to make the most of it. I am trying to live and let live... as for the people who live here it's another story. They do anything but live and let live... they like to make other people's lives living hells... but you know what? For the innocent the past may hold a reward but for the treacherous it's only a matter of time before the past delivers what they truly deserve...

Nervous Breakdown

I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown... I literally am so tense that my back feels like a dried up stick of wood about to break. My muscles are so tight that I can barely move. I go to sleep screaming inside my head and wake up with that same scream. What is happening to the world? None of the kids I teach want to learn... they've given up on their lives before they even started... It saddens me. I try to make them see but it's pointless. They've lost all hope so they don't even care about their education. So in a couple of years I think that our world will take a huge step back... maybe even go back in to the dark ages. All the high tech gadgets will become obsolete and unused machinery that we remember but never use anymore. I don't know if I should look forward to the step back or dread it. In a way a return to nature would be a release from all the stress we face every day... but on the other hand I don't know how the current generation will face such changes.
These kids have awful taste in music and movies. They don't read... ever! They mock each other and start their sex lives way too early. I worry about them. Sometimes late at night I think of my students and how I can reach them. I try to make myself easy to talk to and I give them advice but in the end all I can do is hope they make the right decisions and that rarely happens. I wish there was more I could do but I feel like my hands are tied and all I can do is be here when they need a helping hand os someone to listen to them and understand what they're going through. I mean... I was their age once I can relate to some of the stuff they go through. I guess just listening is a huge help but I do wish I could do more. I wish they would listen to me as I listen to them. Or maybe they do listen... sooner or later.