terça-feira, 15 de fevereiro de 2011
loneliness...
Yesterday was Valentine's Day. I was depressed... at first I thought I was depressed because I am alone. But when I got home from work and listened to some music I soon realized that I am depressed because I am lonely. I am always surrounded by people but I feel like I am the only person in the world. I gave up on love a while ago. I know that there is no one out there for me. How could there be? I am so out of wack that even I know it'll be impossible to find my match. But it's all good. I can deal with that. What I can't deal with is having no friends. That's the hole I am desperately trying to fill. But how can I make friends when all the people here are so diferent? Actually... I'm the odd duckling around these parts: I wear tshirts and jeans... and docmartens. I listen to rock n' roll. I love horror movies. I like to talk about technology. My computer is an extension of my body. I love playing guitar and singing. I like to hang out and tell dirty jokes while drinking mojitos or some other nice little alcoholic drink. I don't drink and drive though. I always get someone to drive me home or I just stay in and have friends over... actually, that was before I moved to this God forsaken town! How can I make any friends if all the people here look down on me? I am not interesting to them and neither are they interesting to me. So I stay home... I surf the web and do my own thing... by myself. Thus the loneliness... I have to get away for a weekend... SOON! I'll have to plan that out with my sister. She still lives in my old town. It is so painful that I couldn't find a damned job back there... but it was a choice between making something of myself or just scrape up what little money I made jumping fro job to job... it was an easy choice - I chose to make a life for myself in a town I hate. Maybe someday I can retire and move back to the city by the sea I love and miss so much. In the meantime, I have vacations to look forward to. I have to start planning monthly visits too. I can't live like this anymore. I am starting to feel like a robot that's about to lose meaning. I feel like I am starting to lose relevance and slowly turning invisible. I guess friends make everything better... and I miss my friends.
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7 comentários:
Hi, I haven't read your whole blog but it happened to be the one after mine on blogspot .. so started reading .. and I will return :) I can soooooo relate to you! I am not looking to give advice .. perhaps only a ray of hope. I have been on my own for a long time own after many years of a marriage of lies in which I trusted implicitly. I struggled, wailed, grieved and still do from time to time .. but during the depths of loneliness and older and much wiser woman gave me a little rock on which she wrote little thoughts .. and the one she gave me was "You can't feel lonely if you like the person you are alone with" ... so I started working on liking me again because I had let someone else's opinions determine how I perceived myself (which sounds similar to what you have expressed in how your relationship with your mum transpired). 6 years later and I still am working on it. One of my recent blogs deals with coping with situations or people that are beyond our control and create angst, stress or negative feelings in us - like the people around you and your new environment.... it's called "The View in the Mirror" .. and it talks about how we can't actually change others but we can change how we respond, react, deal with these situations and people. I wish you courage on your journey. Find just one small thing you can do that will bring you joy .. and focus on that for now. cheers sundee
Thank you so much. I thank you for your advice. It was very inspiring and will help me. I will definitely read your blog! Thank you so much! It brings me joy to know that someone out there knows where I'm coming from and is able to help with kind words. You've touched me and brought me hope. Thank you!
You are soooo welcome! It was quite by chance that I came across your blog .. and I really feel what you are expressing. I have found using the blog to be such a wonderful tool for helping me figure things out .. I hope you continue to express what you need to say because it is the first step to getting on the path you want to be on. One of my favourite quotes if from Dr. Seuss "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." I just saw I have a blog on Nov 20th dealing with Alone vs Lonely .. I hope some of my thoughts lift your spirit a little. Keep smiling .. if a stranger somewhere else in the world cares about what you are going through then surely you will have friends and family who care even more.
I guess I miss the friends I had because they had the same interests. People here are so diferent. It's hard because no matter how hard I try I never seem to fit in and sometimes I feel left out. But it's all good. I'm not going to change myself to fit other people's "needs". I am who I am. :)
That's how I felt when I moved to the UK a few years ago .. I felt like an outsider, a stranger, a curiousity .. I was so homesick .. but I had a child to care for and I focused on his happiness .. and I filled my lonely times with doing what I love .. I couldn't afford to buy art materials so I painted on the discarded shells on the beach and on beach pebbles and sold those to help support us .. I realized I could survive on my talent .. and that brought me encouragement during the lowest period in my life. You are obviously a talented artist and very poetic .. you will find some of your best work will come out of this time for you. No need to change .. and just focus on one day at a time. Bermuda is such a transient place that most of my closest friends and even my parents are now living in other countries as far away as New Zealand. .. but with true friends they are always there and will lift your spirits when you need it. Keep writing. You have found others like minded in that area :) Best wishes to you .. :) Sundee
Thanks. You made me feel so much better! You're AWESOME! You deserve the best life has to give to anyone! I wish you rainbows of happiness and that all your dreams come true! :)
Obrigada! :) ... (that's about the extent of my portuguese:) ) .. and wishing you days filled with chocolate pudding moments :)
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