someday...

I woke up this morning thinking about a song I haven’t thought about in a long time. In fact, this song is part of a movie soundtrack. The movie is P.S. I love you. That particular movie made me cry like a little bitch. The movie is great but the song I already knew. I’ve always liked the Pogues… ever since I can think of myself has a person. That song hadn’t crossed my mind in a long time and yet this morning there it was… picking at my brain… making me feel… feelings I had locked safely in a small box… but like Pandora taught us, nothing can be kept locked in a box forever… things always come out. Even feelings. Even my feelings. I had to teach myself not to feel. And I had succeeded so well that I started to think of myself as a robot or some sort of invisible being. But now… this morning… this song… it brought a flood of emotion and I can’t stop it. I want to cry, laugh, scream, whisper all at the same time! I want to close my eyes and feel someone touching my cheek… I want to feel someone’s fingers through my hair. I want to feel! I want to feel something! Anything! Why am I so scared of feeling? I know it’s stupid… but I’m scared the same thing will happen again. And what is that thing? The thing is I always allow myself to feel… and that feeling grows… and it grows… and it grows… and the other person doesn’t feel… the other person is just having fun… and then I implode and end up in pieces. I don’t think I’ll be able to put all the pieces back together again this time. I already lost so many pieces… I guess that’s why I am staying in the shadows. But I’m sure I’ll feel again. Maybe not now… maybe not next year… but someday. :)