death is no parenthesis

about love...

Random thoughts

I've spent the past few days (I don't know how many days have passed since I last wrote on here) watching old romance movies and crying. I could barely pull myself together and get out of bed. Feels like I could sleep for a thousand years. But something shifted today... I started talking to my friends again, I went out (all afternoon, thank you very much!), I listened to music, I danced in my undies after showering (something I haven't done in ages!). I felt some sort of happiness even though I'm still not sure what's going to happen. But the thing is I'm weighing my options and figuring out what's best for me. I've also been watching this new show called Hindsight... it's a blast! Can't wait for next week's episode!

Right now I'm so tired... I'm having a hard time gathering my thoughts. I can barely keep my eyes open. On my playlist right now The Runaways are playing Wait For Me. All I have to do now is just breathe and wait for my life to shift gears and just... look forward. That's what's on my menu now. No more sugar coated thoughts or cotton-candy dreams about love. Love is pain. If you spell it backwards it's "EVOL"... evil. I guess that in my case that's the truth. Or maybe I just have the worst luck in the universe... and the worst taste in men. Both of those have always been my doom. It's quite funny now that I think back and replay my whole love-life in my head... I surely do have the worst taste in men. Well... no more of that now. I am focusing on myself. It's time to drop the "if you don't like me as I am, you're not worthy" crap and start with the "I have to love myself first" because if I don't love myself no one else will. But... basically, I just want to love myself. I don't want or expect to find love again. EVER! Maybe for a small kitten. :) My crazy cat-lady starter kit.

2015 hasn't started off that well but I'm sure I can turn it around. I have to. I don't want to just sit here feeling sorry for myself not knowing what to do or where to turn. I'm going to start doing all the things I used to do before that lit up my face and made me smile. I'm going to talk to my friends, laugh at their jokes and laugh with them, I'm going to go out more often, I'm going to rock out to Veruca Salt every time I get out of the shower, I'm going to write and take up photography again, I'm going to sing and watch all the movies I love, I'm going to listen to all the bands I used to listen to during the 90's, I'm going to scream all those lyrics as loud as I can, I'm going to dance, I'm going to be the best version of me I possibly can be right now. Eventually I will grow as person. But I refuse to become the person everyone expects me to be.

And after a few months of "forcing" happiness down my throat I will wake up smiling one morning and realize that I am happy. And that I don't need anyone else to make myself happy. I can do it on my own. I can be happy on my own. I will be happy. That's my main goal right now: be happy. I used to settle for contentment. But that won't do at all... it's like being a weird zombie type thing. I don't want to be a weird zombie type thing. I just want to be allowed to be myself. I am myself. I'm not going to apologize for being who I am. And I am a person who has no patience for any kind of fucked up drama. But that's all well and done. I will never let any of that sort of thing into my life again. I was so blinded by the longing for someone to love that I stumbled. But now my eyes are wide open and I am aware of everything. And what once could have been... is no longer. It's dead. But death brings the promise of rebirth. And I am slowly bringing myself back to life.

Silence

I could hear the sound of my own heart breaking. It was like the loudest thunderstorm you could ever be caught in yet no one else could hear it. Not even him... I was torn apart. He tore me apart. There's nothing left. All I had left I gave to him and he just broke it and burnt it to the tiniest imaginable cinder. When the cold wind blows through there will be nothing left to remind him of what could have been, of what he ruined. I don't have any tears left either. I am numb. Once again I feel nothing. I just want to spend my days lying in my bed pretending it was all a nightmare and that my heart is still locked away safe within my ribcage. But there are moments when reality hits me like a ton of bricks and like a rush of blood to the head all those memories, pleasant and unpleasant, come rushing in... and it makes it even harder to let go. But I know I must... I have to let go. I can't live like this anymore. Love isn't supposed to be like this. Love shouldn't be this hard... love is patient, love his kind. But loving him was never easy... he never made it easy. He constantly thought up new and fucked up ways to make me a villain in his fantasy. Maybe he just did that so he could be rid of me... mostly because I think I didn't live up to the fantasy he had of this perfectly intellectual New Yorker who loves everything he loves, agrees with everything he says and hangs on his every word. But I am not like that. I am wild and refuse to be tamed. If you want to love me, love me as I am... love the sweat, love the wild... love all of me. But stop looking for things that aren't there, stop making up fucked up scenarios that don't go AT ALL with my personality. I am not that monster you want me to be. I am a person. I had feelings. I had feelings for you but you had to take what was beautiful and pure and twist it all up and turn it into a freak show. And the silence... it doesn't bother me. It just strengthens my resolve.

Maybe we just burned up too quickly... so much so that we ended up consuming each other in our own fire. At least it burnt with the power of a thousand suns. We set ourselves on fire and watched each other burn. What beautiful fire we made... But now even the ash of those fleeting moments isn't enough to keep us warm at night. And I will never be enough for you. You don't accept me and you never will. You always agree with me and tell me that I'm right but then you go back and ruin everything. Why? It's exhausting and I can't bare it any longer. I'm sorry. I loved you. But I can't do this anymore. Love brings peace it doesn't muffle it. All I ever wanted was peace and quiet. A toned down quiet life with someone to hold my hand and sit with on a porch having tea. That was my dream. That's all I ever wanted. I don't want to wallow in the past. I don't care about anything that happened before. It's pointless. But you just can't let go and now it's come to this... A blog post. I don't really know why I'm even taking the time to write this on here... I guess I just want you to read my final thoughts (although fragmented) and I wanted to vent. I have no one to talk to. So I talk to the world. Maybe someone will listen and know what I'm feeling. And if these words of mine can help just one person then they have served their purpose. As for me... I'll go back to weeks, even months maybe, of wallowing in self-pity, self-doubt, sleepless nights and dark days, numbness, an empty ribcage, all wrapped up in beautiful silence.

They don't see

People don't see
they don't want to.
They're like birds
who've been in
their cages for
far too long.
Far too long...
When the cage
door is opened
they just sit still.
Perfectly still...
they don't fly
away. Far away.
They sit there
and slowly sway
dreaming of
what it's like
to be in love.
What it's like
to be free.
What it's like
to see...

Okay

Every night
He paints the sky
With stars
Just for me.

But I'm so
Wrapped up in
Darkness
That I don't see.

Every day
He shines
His bright light
My way

But I hide
In a cocoon
Of pale skin
And deep within

I search for a soul
A flicker of feeling
Someone, anyone...
But I'm still not whole.

Maybe one night
Or one fine day
He'll take my hand
And make everything
okay.

love.

sleepless in the middle of nowhere

I'm at my parents' in northern Portugal which is the middle of nowhere. I'm trying desperately to fall asleep but I can't. All the little noises Nature makes are keeping me awake and interested (except for the barking dogs - those are just annoying).

I keep getting out of bed and pacing... Thinking... Wondering... Useless, pointless thoughts racing through my mind and driving me insane. I wish I could just fall asleep.
I keep wondering how many people out there in the world are having the same trouble sleeping or how many will have the same trouble sleeping when it's time for them to go to sleep and they're hoping to instantly pass out like I was hoping for.

I wish I could pass out once I hit the bed but it seems the older I get the less sleep I get. Funny... I always thought the older you got the more you would sleep. Guess I was wrong. But I've come to realize I was wrong about so many things... So many things... I don't even want to think about it. I guess I'll go back to counting sheep... Give that a try. You never know: sometimes the simplest answer is the way to go.

Sobriety

And once I tasted love
I got drunk...
I got unbelievably drunk
and I wanted more
each time.
I never wanted
to be sober again.
Being drunk on love
was like... nothing
I ever felt before.
Then sobriety hit me
like a ton of bricks.
This hangover
will last forever...

Thoughts and memories I want to delete

I know I usually post poetry on here but I have to be honest... I haven't felt very inspired lately. I've been going through the motions. I just dove right in to this deep depression and now I'm just sort of stuck in a funk. Books don't take me away to that magical world I used to escape to; I don't listen to music anymore... none of the music I love makes me want to move or tap my foot; my guitar is desperately screaming out my name yearning for me to pluck its strings; I can't feel anything. I don't smile anymore. I don't cry either. I cried everything I had to cry. I don't think I'm capable of crying anymore. I just feel numb. Like I'm a ghost walking around. No one sees me or knows me. No one cares enough to...

So this summer I just took refuge up north at my parents'. But all the peace and quiet haven't helped much either. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm some sort of functioning comatose patient. I walk, I talk, I do things... but I'm just not all here. I feel like I lost the joy of living. I'm stuck in a loop. Every day I wake up and go about things as usual... sort of like that movie Groundhog Day. 

All those memories that keep rushing through my head those few seconds before you fall asleep and those few seconds before you're fully awake... I wish I could erase them... delete them. I don't want to carry them around with me anymore. I want them gone. I just want to understand why people are so hurtful... they have nothing to gain. Maybe it's just some latent sadistic pleasure... I don't know. I'll never know. And I'll never understand. I want to move on. I want to feel and smile again. I don't want to be stuck in this funk anymore.

All I ever wanted was to be happy but I guess it's the one thing I'll never be able to get...