last flowers - radiohead

I love this song... :)

treasure - the cure

I can stand on my own...

I am serene... I stand on my own two feet and I don't need another person to validate my existence. I can be happy by myself and my friends will keep me company... if not, I will get a cat. I can sit in absolute silence and not feel feel afraid or lonely. I can dance in the rain and not wait for someone to bring me a towel... I will get my own. I don't need anyone to laugh at my jokes because I already know they're funny. I don't need anyone to listen to me sing because I have my friend Jisas and he always listens! I don't need someone to read my poetry and tell me that it's great because it's not about being great, it's about pouring out my soul. I never did need anyone to hold back my hair as I puke my guts out because I'm shitfaced (I never did get that plastered and I have really short hair...). I don't need someone to rub my neck when I'm sore, I can take a pill or rub it myself. I don't need anyone to take a bubble bath with and talk about trivialities... I can take a bath on my own and sing to myself and I have the internet to talk to people about anything. I really don't need to get my heart broken over and over again because of all the lies people tell me. I can watch the world news for that... I don't need anyone to talk me to sleep because I can fall asleep watching the discovery channel. I don't need someone to tell me everything's going to be alright because I already know it can't get any worse... things can only get better. I don't need you to ask how my show was and I don't need you to tell me I look nice. I don't need you to ask me how I am and I don't even need you on my contact list anymore. Actually, I don't need you at all! You're just a memory... not a bad one and not a good one... just a memory (that'll fade away with time).

TOMORROW - SATURDAY NIGHT

Don't Miss IT!!!

Tomorrow, saturday night... at 11 p.m. Lola Katz (me) & Rui Damião (my friend Jisas) playing live at Espaço Performas in Aveiro! Don't miss this acoustic session cuz it's going to be pretty groovy, my friends!

WE ROCK

\m/ \m/

Bored on a train...

painting by Frida Kahlo

I've been pretty out of it this past week... I've found out some things... well... I had a bit of drama in my life these past weeks that made me realize a number of things about myself... and my life. I realized that I've made some (really) bad decisions, bad choices that I can't take back. I can learn from my mistakes (and how I did learn!) and try to move on. I'm trying to figure out the equation for happiness... but it's a bitch! It's really hard! And I've always been terrible at math... I've always functioned on a trial by error basis but it hasn't been working very well... I guess I'll have to go back to the drawing board... start all over. I need a fresh perspective. I really need a vacation! I need to get away from this mind-crippling routine... My mind is tired... so tired that I keep making all these bad choices! I date the wrong person over and over again... I let myself get destroyed over and over again because I keep letting myself ease in to stupid situations that have no hope of ever developing into something... well... what is it they call it? "more"? Yeah... that's it... into something more. Maybe, in my subconcious mind, that's really what I'm aiming for - nothing! It's no big deal, though... because now that I've figured out I've been sabotaging myself I can now actually lay back and think more about all this shit... and try to make the right decisions. :) It's a step forward, I guess... hopefully... I'll wait and see. I guess I was always to scared of being alone... or dying alone... maybe I was just lonely. Or maybe it was all of those... Maybe I'm just an idiot! Or maybe I'm just terribly bored... The truth is... I don't actually feel "blue" that it was all a big fat LIE... I'm actually pretty angry and mortified for letting myself fall into such a bad situation... I'm smarter than that... anyway... that's all I'm feeling right now... and, like I said... it's back to the drawing board... Right now, the only thing that worries me is: "can I actually feel anything anymore?". And I ask myself this because I dismiss all this "crap" that would usually make a pretty nasty dent on any normal person and... on myself... it hardly even bothered me... it made me feel sick, of course... but it didn't make me cry or die of a broken heart... maybe I'm somewhat of an emotional ironman (in my case, ironwoman). I guess my heart has been broken so many times that I don't have one to break anymore... I still don't know if it's a good or a bad thing... Maybe it's bad, I guess. I feel like I reinvented myself so many times I lost myself in the darkness... I don't know who I am anymore... I only know the small stuff: I like pasta, chocolate, I play the guitar and sing, I write some poetry, I like jackson pollock and van gogh, I love led zeppelin and linda perry, love horror movies and I love my friends and family. That's pretty much what's consistent in my life... And now I found myself thinking "Do I actually need more?"... Maybe not... but the truth about humanity is that we're never happy with whatever it is we have... we always want more.

ocean

I hear the ocean... it pours out of my heart and floods the world... drowning you in it! And it washes all the evil away...

Listen to this song... it totally underlines what I'm feeling right now.

nothingness...

Nothing can help me now... the things that gave me pleasure before can't help me now... Writting doesn't help... reading doesn't distract me... food lost all taste... bubble baths don't make me smile... drinking doesn't numb the pain anymore... playing the guitar doesn't help either... singing hurts and my voice is distorted from crying... there is no confort, only nothingness...

My friends tell me I look like death. I feel like death... I can feel it's breath on my neck... the hair on the back of my head stands up everytime I think of you - it's death breathing down my neck! You brought only sorrow, disease and death... how could I have been so wrong? I consider myself a pretty intelligent person... I should have been able to read the signs... I should have known better... I'm an idiot! How will I ever recover? How will I ever mend? I'm tired of everyone's lies... Even the lies I tell or told myself... I can't stand it anymore! It's too much shit to deal with! I can't deal with this crap anymore! I just want to go back in time and take it all back... I wish I could do that... there's nothing in this world that I want more but to erase all this fucking shit! I just want to scream! Scream at myself for being such a stupid naive little girl!

But hey... I'm a survivor! Nothing will keep down on the ground for too long... Don't get me wrong... I'm not sick with love... I'm sick of all the revolting lies I was fed... night after night after night... and I gobbled them all up like a good little (naive) girl... how stupid of me! I wanted so much to be happy that I ended up kicking myself in the ass instead...

I have all these mixed feelings inside of me... their all screwed up, all tangled up... so fucked up... I don't actually know what I'm really feeling... maybe I'm not feeling a thing... maybe I'm just numb from all the fucked up crap I lived throughout my life... maybe this last piece of crappy history was a sort of wake up call... a way for me to remember all the shit I was dealt untill know... when will the good things start happening? Will I be stuck in this loop of nothingness forever?

numb again...

Tired

Frustrated

Sad

Jaded

Angry

Worthless

Lost

Broken

Weak

Crying

Blind

Numb again

Dead...

Never Been In Love...

You were always too scared to be alone, to stand on your own without a "sidekick", to have no one to talk to... and that's why I think you've never actually been in love, because fear was always your guide. You never alowed your heart to be trully open to the possibility of love. I know this because I was also dominated by the same fears as you... but I learnt how to live on my own and thus my heart slowly let love creep in. Before I knew it, I had fallen in love... with you. But your fears still dominate you and so I guess there's no hope for us... there won't be a time for us... There's nothing left... no heart, no fear, no hopes nor dreams... only the moon. I watch the moon from my window and try to hold on to the thought that maybe somewhere out there you're also looking up at it and thinking of me. The stars shine and the angel I once knew has fallen from grace... this angel is tottaly lost and can't find his way. So tonight I shall light a candle to guide him through this dark and everlasting night he finds himself in. I hope that someday he'll realize that it wasn't an illusion... that everything was in fact real.

And so, at 31, I find myself realizing that I finally learnt what love is all about... I thought I was empty and unable of feeling anything... but I was wrong... Hey! maybe someday I can love again... who knows? Or maybe not all is lost... Maybe the angel might find his way in the end...